GWiMMRN, Animal Necrophilia Saturday Edition

Repeat after me: "I thought the cat was alive when I fucked it. I thought the cat was alive when I fucked it." Don't forget to guess which terrific thing is in my mouth right now:

A) A slimy anteater tongue
B) A slimy anteater vulva
C) Hot death on a stick
D) Several cirrocumulus clouds
E) A freshly sucked-off puppy
F) An acorn sucked right out of a pig's asshole (not kosher)
G) An acorn sucked right out of a lamb's asshole (kosher)
H) A big, fat slimy capybara cock

MY Mouth Is the SHIZZ-NIT, World Leaders Edition

Oh, SNAP! I gots somethin' in mah mouf! Whuddufuck couldit be?

A) The adorable little ass hairs near Vice-President Dick Cheney's starfish
B) The adorable little bumps around the base of Saddam Hussein's pee-pee
C) The adorable little wrinkles on Jacques Chirac's froggy taint
D) The adorable little folds inside Nancy Pelosi's suuuuuuh-NATCH
E) The adorable little brownish-yellow skidmarks on Kofi Annan's shorts
F) A big, fat cock belonging to an intern

UPDATE: The answer is NOT, I repeat, NOT G) The new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Nocturnal Emission. So stop asking.

My Mouth is a Part of the Rhythm Nation!

The revolution will be televised in my mouth! Explore...

A) A Che Guevara shirt, reeking of pot.
B) Crusty nose oils scraped during a fit of pique.
C) Janet Jackson's left boob, circa The Rhythm Nation Tour.

D) Pussy Pemmican, or why congress is thinking of regulating the internet for content.
E) Pinky gum chunks from over-zealous flossing.
F) Poop.
G) A big, fat cock.

TGI MY MOUTH!

Yes, Thank God It's My Mouth! Without knowledge of my mouth and the things I put into it, I honestly don't know how any of you make it through the day. My mouth will eradicate your malaise, leaving a calm confidence. Guessing what's in my mouth right now will bring you sweet joy. So, on to the joy:

A) A very angry rabbit with brown bear poop-stains all over its fur
B) A 16 lb. medicine ball dripping with snatch juice
C) PopeCorn: The Official Snack Food of the Catholic Church (the popped kernels of corn recovered from Pope Benedict's shit, considered edible holy relics by some)
D) A warm pile of Jello chocolate and corn pudding
E) A single, adorable little ass hair, not mine or anyone I know
F) A single, adorable, big, fat cock

My Mouth IS Ambition

Don't that eat all! Yessirree! My mouth never sleeps, it never rests, it never siestas, it never does any of that crap because my mouth is an equal opportuna-ty employer!

Wanna see what's swimming upstream in my mouth, huh, you salmon-sucking bears? Pick three!

A) The bloody hindquarters of a cat who was just speared in the ass by a unicorn.
B) IHOP's buckwheat fuckleberry pancakes with spooch dressing.
C) A stinging inability to make new friends or interact with anyone on anywhere near a human level because I'm too busy making dick jokes.
D) Dick jokes.
E) A misfired semen bomb.
F) A big, fat cock buried under a mound of ketchup soaked Thomas Fries.

My Mouth Never Sleeps

It's always active. Always. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because there's a universe of things to stuff into it. Your job is to guess which things are in it right now. Pick two:

A) Finally, the nasty, wettish dump that was so long and strenuous to deliver that my left leg fell asleep
B) A battery-operated Suck-U-Lator, covered in someone else's juices
C) A peach pit from a peach eaten by me, but later shat out by a whining, squirming puppy that initially thought it was a treat
D) The word "flouncy"
E) A semen bomb: place several raw warm chicken parts into a mason jar and fill halfway with milk. Fill up the other half with semen. Tighten the lid very firmly on the jar. Place under someone's couch cushions, and after a few days, the gases from decomposition will cause the jar to burst, spraying milk and man-custard everywhere
F) Muh-muh-mii-ii-i-chae-chae-kel-e-eh-el Juh-juh-juh-jay Fuh-fuh-fuh-foxxxx-ssss' big, fat, spasmodic cock

Startling Truths about My Mouth

The truth is... I have something in there right now! Ha ha! Guess what's in there!

A) The corn-studded turds of a Midwestern farmer.
B) Chaff that was separated from the wheat.
C) Scrambled eggs, slightly runny, liberally sprinkled with salty chunks of Pussy Pemmican.
D) Hot Dog Cake to celebrate my 100th relentless mouthable.
E) Fuh-ff-fuh-fuh-fuh!-ff-f-f-fid-fid-fiddd-dd-del Cuh-cuh-c-c-c-ccc!-cuh-cass-casss-ss-sss-ssss!ss-st-st-strrrr-strrr-o.
F) Genital integrity.
G) Go big, fat cock go!

UPDATE: The answer is not H) A nasty, wettish dump that was so long and strenuous to deliver that my left leg fell asleep. While true, it's definitely not in my mouth right now.

Holy Fuckchunks! My 100th Post!

This calls for a celebration! To celebrate, I'm going to put something in my mouth right now. All you have to do is guess what it is! It's not that difficult, you know. We're going back to basics, because it's important that everyone does his or her best to FOCUS. FOCUS on what's in my mouth.

FOCUS. DO IT. FOOOOOO-CUSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Okay, now pick from the following choices:

A) A glass of warm ass-fat freshly sucked from this surprised looking turd
B) Walter Matthau's ear hair, grown to gigantic proportions after his death
C) A plate of pussy pemmican: dried labia with mesquite flavoring sprinkled on top for that extra zing
D) A CAT-scan of the twisted brain that would invent such a thing as "pussy pemmican"
E) A CAT-scan of the twisted brain that reacted to the idea of "pussy pemmican" with anything other than violent loathing
F) A hot fudge sundae with whipped cream, extra maraschino cherries, neapolitan ice cream, and bouncy, flouncy otter balls
G) The big, fat cock mentioned in the oft-heard boardroom quote, "Come on, my dick isn't going to suck itself."

And the answer is...

UPDATE: The answer is not, I repeat NOT Open Source Media (OSM), the new blog congolmerate that is supposed to revolutionalize blogging or advertising. I considered putting it into my mouth, but decided against it. In addition, the acronym OSM REALLY means "Oral Sex Mouth," and I'll be damned if I allow anyone to infringe on MY territory, mouth-wise.

FOCUS. FOCUS.

I'm Trying to Make This as Easy as Possible for You

I don't see what the problem here is, folks; I put things in my mouth, and I want you to guess what's in there. I make it easy for you by giving you options. It's like multiple choice, right? Choose the answer that best answers the question of "well, what's in there?" I could be mean and just demand, "guess what's in my mouth right now" and leave it at that, without any options. But no, I am a benevolent dic-tator, and I provide choices. All you have to do is guess!

So please, try it again.

GWiMMRN:

A) Kathleen Heigl's wondiferous Ta-Ta's.
B) Candice Rose Martinez's cell phone.
C) Assistant U.S. Attorney David Lat's unbearable embarassment.
D) Hippo poop, again.
E) Beyonce Knowles' freshly tea-bagged lips.
F) A big, fat cock.

Wild and Wacky Wednesday IN MY MOUTH

The fun never stops in my mouth, you know. It's a non-stop party! Who's invited, you ask? Well, try to guess:

A) Reese Witherspoon's scissor strap-on, smothered in blood and smeared with pink lipstick
B) lola's favourite jewelry, stinking horribly of a mixture of human shit and grape jelly from having been pulled forcefully from Cherie Booth's ASSHOLE
C) Cherie Booth's relief that her ASSHOLE is free of foreign objects (for now)
D) Mingled surprise and horror that the jelly doughnut I just bit into is filled with warm man-custard instead
E) A terrible hangover and sickeningly soiled underpants from having gotten wildly drunk on seventeen Shakey Colons last night at the pub
F) lola's low hanging big, fat cock

Thems That Got Ears, Hear What I'm Chewing

Thems that got eyes, guess what's in my mouth right now!

A) Bits of bloody rectal tissue from when Reese Witherspoon roughly treated me with her scissor strap-on.
B) A Shakey Colon, made from mixing 1 part Vermouth, 2 parts gin, and 1 throughly melted Ex-Lax packet.
C) Scrambled porn on channel 92.
D) The forced sincerity in the moans of a Taiwanese street hooker.
E) Cris-TAHL.
F) Lola's low hanging jubbblies.
G) A big, fat strap-on cock.

Say It with Me: UVULA. YOUUUU-VIEW-LUHHHHHH

It's a part of my mouth! You knew that already though, didn't you. What else is temporarily part of my mouth?

A) Peanut brittle
B) Penis brittle (little bits of spongy penis-flesh suspended in a hardened sugar and corn syrup mixture)
C) A Maserati driven straight out of Cherie Booth's ASSHOLE
D) Tony Blair's mingled rage and horror when he reads this sickening website and finds that his wife's ASSHOLE has become an object of ridicule
E) The eponymous dingoes in the quote, "Maybe the dingoes got your baby."
F) Reese Witherspoon's Depends after a long day of shopping (*prrt* *prrrttptpttp* *prrrrprpptptptptptppp* *rrrrprprprrrprprpttptptptt* *squirsh*)
G) Cherie Booth's big, fat cock

A Triple-Threat of Oral Information!

Yes, you lucky specimens, you all get a third heaping helping of GWiMMRN! Whoopee! Hip, hip, hooRAY! Don't be shy, now. Guess:

A) A hot, moist tampon, recently used
B) A live guinea pig, slathered in baby oil
C) The right breast implant belonging to this woman, slathered in store-brand mustard and squeezed into a home made hot dog bun
D) A Listerine and urine multitask spectacular martini, shaken, not stirred
E) The Hubble Telescope, just rescued from Cherie Booth's ASSHOLE
F) A big, fat, pesky, worrisome cock

Toothsday, Part Tooth

Some of you may be thinking: I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder what... what's in your mouth right now?

Well, you lucky specimens, you get to guess what's in my mouth right now!

A) Adam Corrola's entertainment legacy: Spanky Ham and being Jimmy Kimmel's former sidekick.
B) Almond curry tuna aspic.
C) Jizz aspic, made entirely out of jizz.
D) The tender, wet farts of Reese Witherspoon, America's sweetheart.
E) The gently soiled panties of Rebecca Loos, David Beckham's unfortunate choice of a mistress.
F) A cornucopia of the horrible, disgusting things mentioned here.
G) The strong feeling that I should be ashamed of myself for creating and maintaining this site.
H) A big, fat cock, with Reese Witherspoon's and Rebecca Loos' vaginal fluids still gleaming on it.

UPDATE: The answer is not I) A whole bottle of Salmon flavoured soda, because that fucking pansy Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda, can't drink a whole bottle of it, that fucking pansy. It's incorrect because the store was sold out of it last night.

Please try again.

My Mouth Isn't ALWAYS Disgusting...

My mouth has a sweet side to it, you know. It's not just horrible things I put in there, even on Tuesdays. So today, I've decided to only put nice things into my mouth. Can you guess what sweet, nice, delightful thing is in there right now?

A) A cute little white mouse, wrapped in a double layer of duct tape so it won't explode when I fuck it later
B) A fairy princess, wrapped in a double layer of duct tape so she won't explode when I fuck her later
C) A jar of fresh grape jelly, to be used as an anal lubricant to get the Hubble Telescope out of Cherie Booth's gigantic asshole
D) A popsicle bought at the town fair, spooch-flavored
E) The shit-stained drawers of a morbidly-obese homeless woman Er, a pair of freshly-laundered undergarments
F) A very clean, adorable, big, fat cock

TIVO My Mouth

Miss your favorite television program? Does your carrr smell like frrruit? VCR on the fritz?

Even if you miss what's in my mouth right now, click here and follow the instructions to TIVO it and guess later.

A) Cherries jubilee.
B) Simon Phoenix, the 21st century's most ruthless criminal.
C) Bloody semen.
D) Bloody seamen.
E) On-line sperm bank.
F) A big, fat seaman's cock.

UPDATE: ungh ungh ungh!

UPDATE: The answer is not G) The Hubble Telescope. Right now, the Hubble Telescope is up Cherie Booth's arse, along with a Maserati and Lola's favorite jewelry. So, the answer can't possibly be Letter G.

Keep trying!

Ba Da Bum Ba Ba...I'm Still Lovin' It!

And so will you when you guess what's in my mouth right now!

A) Louise Ogborn's common sense
B) Louise Ogborn's low-friction roller lips, stained with a mixture of white greasepaint and cold semen from having sucked off Ronald McDonald at the behest of a voice on the telephone
C) A few short, red, curly hairs clinging to two all-beef patties
D) A corn dog, except that the "corn" was picked out of a pile of steaming fecal matter excreted next to a toxic waste dump, the hot dog is really a severed Doberman penis, and the stick it's served on is really Abner Louima's splintery cocoa plunger, so it's not really a corn dog at all, but something horribly disgusting
E) My carrrrrr, which smells like frrrruit
F) Ronald McDonald's big, fat, pasty-white cock

You Deserve a Break Today IN MY MOUTH

I'm LOVIN' IT! Yessiree! You deserve a big sloppy mac with extra cheese right in the kisser! Now that you've been working hard, maybe working that extra shift at McDonald's, waiting for the telephone to ring, the caller is on the line, and...

He's asking you to guess what's in his mouth right now.
YOU MUST HONOR HIS REQUEST.

DO. IT. NOW.

A) Jumping Jacks.
B) A semen soaked apron.
C) Former assistant manager Donna Summers' formerly latent S&M fetish.
D) Nix's wildest fucking fantasies and he can't believe how lucky he got.
E) The Voice.
F) The Voice's virtual big, fat cock.

STRIP SEARCH. NOW. DROP THOSE DRAWERS.

DON'T WORRY.

THE POLICE WILL ARRIVE SOON.

It's the Start of the Week...

Which means, of course, I've got a whole week to stuff whatever I can get my hands on into my mouth! A whole week! So, what's in there right now on this splendiferous day?

A) Pre-War intelligence
B) Turkey sashimi on a bed of limberger risotto
C) A hairy, shingle-ridden armpit (caution-- extremely adorable picture)
D) The red, freshly-spanked ass belonging to the stupidest McDonald's employee ever squeezed out of a twat
E) A tweeting pillow, riddled with teeth marks and crusty with week-old Danish jungle juice
F) Walter Nix's big, fat cock

You Won't Find a Better Deal Than What's in My Mouth Right Now

What can I do to put you in My Mouth right now?

Let me offer you some goodies:

A) Two badly cut pinky finger nails, not mine.
B) Rat shit, bat shit, and a dirty old twat.
C) 69 assholes, tied in a knot.
D) Lizard shit.
E) Zammis? Zammis? ZAMMIS!
F) The MET. That's right, the whole thing, right here, in my mouth.
G) A big, fat cock. That's right, the whole thing, right here, in my mouth.

My Mouth Is LORD

Yes, it's another Sunday for my mouth. The reason why Sunday is called the Lord's Day is because you're all supposed to go, "Oh, Lord, look at what's in MY MOUTH." So, say the words, and try to guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A Baby Jesus Butt Plug, glistening with a slimy mixture of KY jelly and nervous nun diarrhea
B) Chamomile tea
C) The sick, profane evil that pervades this monstrosity of a website
D) The thick, orange wax licked out of a dead man's ear canal by eager, hungry tongues
E) Bosnia-Herzegovina
F) Memeeeeeeeeeeeeen Peeeeeeeeeeengweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen
G) A big, fat Bosnian-Herzegovinian COCK