TGIS Edition of GWiMMRN

Late post today, as I've been busy stuffing stuff into my mouth. It's not an EXCUSE, but an EXPLANATION. Say it with me: "EXPLANATION." Good. Now before you go and get your fucking shinebox, guess what's in my mouth right now, bitch:

A) Mandy Patinkin's superhuman gravitas
B) An EXPLANATION, not an EXCUSE
C) A mule's asshole turned inside out and repurposed as a moist shit-sleeve to keep my arm warm while shoveling the neighbor's walk
D) Gary Gygax's lame, failed fantasy role-playing games written after he sold TSR to Wizards of the Coast, the whole mother-lovin' lot of them
E) The horrible, oozing, eczema-like rash all over the arms of the Hispanic retard working the counter at the Boston Market down the street, smothered in turkey gravy
F) lola's unfulfillment, smothered in man-custard
G) The Hispanic retard's big, fat, rashy cock

GUESS, GODDAMMIT! GUESS!

What's in my mouth right now:

A) The L.A.P.D.'s inherent racism for planting all that blood evidence linking O.J. to the murders of his ex-wife and her friend
B) Eddie Deezen, every mother-lovin' inch of him
C) Countess Elisabeth Bathory, who bathed in the menstrual blood of epileptic sea lions to maintain her youth and virility
D) Romania's gigantic vampire population which, as we all know, has gotten way out of control and requires major-league military intervention by now already
E) The overpowering urge to give Katie Couric a Thai elbow right across the jaw so hard her fucking teeth shear through her tongue in a spray of bloody saliva and chips of enamel while the adorable little hairs on the back of Matt Lauer's neck stand straight up in terrified expectation
F) The snipped off fingernails of the guy who came up with the expression "adorable little hairs"
G) The adorable little ass hairs of the guy who came up with the expression "adorable little ass hairs"
H) The idea that anyone's ass hairs, even the baby Jesus's, could be considered "adorable"
I) The odd taste in my mouth from having accidentally sprayed vaginal spray into it in a mistaken attempt to freshen my breath
J) The odd feeling of discomfort some broad will feel when she sprays Binaca into her vagina in a mistaken attempt to freshen her honeyhole
K) Katie Couric's big, fat cock with a feather duster forced into its urethra

My Mouth in Transition

Awwwww Geeeze! I'm stuffing stuff in there as fast as I can! Gimme a break, huh?

A) Turd polish.
B) Grease stained panties from Vikky Secrets.
C) Saddle sores.
D) The Banana Splits.
E) The slits.
F) The pukes from watching The Tyra Banks Show.
G) An air of superiority mixed with a twinge of arrogance.
H) A big, fat cock covered in spermicides.

This Whole Cunt-Lapping Society Deserves Not Just Vaginal Spray, but News About My Mouth

Thaaaaaaaaaaat's right! It surely does. I've got to tell you that you probably don't know how lucky you are to get these kinds of updates about what's in my mouth. Man, if I were you, I'd be walking around all day long, thinking, "I know this whole cunt-lapping society doesn't amount to a hill of beans, but at least I've got GWiMMRN to help me shoulder the burden." Do yourself a favor and guess what's in my mouth right now. You'll wish you had if you don't:

A) The inky, fuzzy filler of a felt-tip pen, chewed to little pieces
B) A momentary feeling of horror and then relief when, after finding that my most recent stool was flecked with dark red bits, I realized that I wasn't bleeding internally but was instead processing the aforementioned felt-tip pen filler
C) A crisp slice of bacon
D) The white-hot stake Tookie Williams is no doubt impaled upon in the 656th layer of the Abyss while cackling demons tear off strips of flesh from his squealing, whimpering corpus
E) A steaming plate of Green Giant Frozen Niblets the size of the great state of Ohio, hurtling toward the Earth at supersonic speeds
F) Creamed corn, and you KNOW what the cream is, I bet
G) A soft-porn vampire that would be completely turned off by the idea of lapping a cunt in this whole cunt-lapping society
H) The difference between a cucumber and an ear of corn on the cob (hint: make motorboat noises with your lips)
I) My meat, my meat, my mighty manly meat. Check it out!
J) Tookie's big, fat, flayed-open cock wrapped around a crisp slice of bacon like some kind of fucked-up caduceus

The Business End of My Mouth Says...

GWiMMRN!

A) Stoop labor.
B) Vaginal spray for this whole cunt-lapping society.
C) An unholy trinity of Cheetos, Fritos, and Kinkos.
D) Antithipathon.
E) A yellow sack lunch, which can be deduced from what constitutes a brown sack lunch, for you precocious Sherlock Holmeses out there.
F) A lean, green machine.
G) An unholy trinity of two nuts and a big, fat cock. Merry Xmas, you perverts.

My Relentless Mouth Goes On...

Giving you the most up-to-date information about what goes in it when I think you're worthy. Congratulations: you're worthy now. Seeing as I ruined a well-loved children's book recently, and a popular Christmas song, I feel I must continue this slash-and-burn campaign on all you love dearly, destroying further aspects of popular culture by putting them into my mouth. So, on with the show. Guess what's in there:

A) A sack lunch (a man's scrotum)
B) A brown bag lunch (a Hispanic man's scrotum)
C) Abe Lincoln (when you shave off Liza Minnelli's pubic hair and paste it onto your mother's face with jungle juice, creating a beard-like effect)
D) Jello Pudding Pop (the frozen contents of a dirty diaper found by the side of the road with a stick stuck in it)
E) Chocolate cherries (hard, jagged nuggets of shit painfully passed by a man with bleeding hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roids)
F) Jesus (the semi-retarded jizz-mopper at the local peep show that peeks into everyone's booths as they sweatily, furtively jerk off to cheap pornography. Afterwards, he doesn't bother with the mop, but instead gets several dozen free protein servings a day using a straw and a yellow tongue)
G) A big, fat cock (needs no further explanation)

Unghunghungh, unghunghungh, ungh ungh ungh ungh uuuuuuungh!

Dashing through the snow! Trundling down the street!

Ungh Ungh Ungh!

Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Guess what's in my moooouuuuth! Oh what fun it is to guess, guess what's in my mouth!

A) UNGH!UNGH!SabineUNGHUNGHUNGH!EhrenUNGH!feldungh... oh yeah.
B) Mistletoejam.
C) ICBMs, AKA Intercontinental Bowel Movements from plane food weary travelers.
D) Sabine again.
E) Slick advertising.
F) A big, fat cock with Sabine's juices flowing ALL OVER IT.

Atonement is Over. Time to GWiMMRN.

Your time of atonement is at an end. Revel in my new choices:

A) A pile of puppy dog sperm with choccy sprinkles on top.
B) A thumb, not mine.
C) Soot n' Salt Road Slushies.
D) Condoleeza Rice's Distinguished Clitoris.
E) Ungh Ungh Ungh!
F) A Harold Robbins paperback.
G) A spermaranged bit of urine that someone couldn't quite hold back anymore.
H) A biiiiiig, faaaaaaat cooooooccccckkkkk.

GWiMMRN: Monday Atonement Edition

Readers of this blog may have been turned off by the horrible things written here in recent days, so when the guilt for putting truly sickening things in my mouth gets too great, I feel I must atone for my sins and only put nice, delightful things into it. This is one of those days. No making fun of beloved children's books, other cultures, religio-sexual scandals, or anything at all like that. It's an easy day for you, my mouth, and what may be in it. So, guess:

A) A rainbow on a cool spring afternoon after a light rain
B) The gossamer wings of guardian angels
C) The low jingle of an ice cream truck trundling down the street in the summer
D) A nice slice of banana cream pie with choccy sprinkles on top
E) Fresh cherry tomatoes picked off the vine, tasting of sunshine
F) A big, fat cock A pug dog with shining black eyes and a cute little wrinkly face

UPDATE: Many people have emailed me, asking about letter G) A hand-made hot dog bun containing a large, bloody penis that had been bitten off by a nine-year-old, smothered in cat diarrhea and garnished with the thick gob of brownish-yellow mucus coughed up by a dying octogenarian with pancreatitis. STOP EMAILING ME ABOUT IT. Nice things only on this post. NICE things. Bitten-off penises, cat shit, and snot don't make the grade.

GWiMungh! ungh! ungh MRN

You don't have to be a wooly mammoth to guess what's in my mouth right now!

A) Richard Pryor's casket full of jokes.
B) A spermarang. It's when you finish on Giada DeLaurentis' ta-ta's, and when you're slapping them with your dripping willy, some of the spooge flies up and hits you in the face. You know; a spermarang. What? It never happened to you?
C) The line.
D) Aslan's resurrerection.
E) Chump change.
F) Tina Louise, every mother lovin' inch of her.
G) A big, fat Narnian cock.

A Bouncy, Flouncy Otterballicious Sunday to You All!

Good morning to all who have come to worship at the foot of my mouth this holy Sunday. Well, if my mouth HAD feet, you'd be worshiping at them. This is not to say that you'd be worshiping my mouth's notional feet, but rather you'd be worshiping my mouth and the potential contents of it. I hope that's clear. Remember: not the feet, but the mouth. In order to properly do that, you have to guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The sweaty underside of Giada DiLaurentis's gigantic breasts, warm and sticky with Emeril Lagasse's cock-snot
B) The wooden railing in the vestry that every altar boy has to bite down on to keep from squealing as the Holy Father performs that holiest of holy rites: the Recitation of the 12th Psalm and Ritualized Ass-Rape for the Lord Your God After Services
C) A baby tooth with a string of bloody gristle still clinging to the root
D) The vaguely uncomfortable feeling that I may have finally crossed the line here, tasting a little like licorice and onions
E) Giada DiLaurentis's huge head, way out of proportion to her gigantic, spooged-on teats and small body that you just want to pick up and jerk off with and then throw away like a kleenex
F) Bela Lugosi, who would never ever make it into vampire soft-porn because he's dead and was pretty fugly when alive
G) Emeril Lugosi's big, fat cock