No Days off for My Mouth

Just because I don't post every single minute of the day, it doesn't mean that I'm not putting things in my mouth every single minute of the day. My FOCUS is on my mouth and what's in it. Telling all of you about it is somewhat secondary. With that said, try and see if you can guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A Nestlé Yorkie Bar
B) A Yorkshire Terrier puppy penis
C) The Cost Plus World Market where I got the Yorkie because you can't just buy it at a supermarket due to the candy bar's marketing campaign of selling to aggressive, closeted homosexuals
D) The secret sex tape I have of Annie Potts being joyously fucked by a Lipizzaner Stallion while wearing an Ilsa the Wicked Warden costume, her floppy breasts flouncing everywhere and spit blabbering from her mouth like a Down's Syndrome kid strapped to a mechanical bull
E) Several telegraphs about my wet, smelly, shameful dump
F) Cat vomit
G) A big, fat puppy penis


Oooooh Boy, The A. Louima Edition

I have BIG fish to fry! Carpe Diem!

Guess! what'sin! MY! mouthright! NOW!

A) The phrase, "You cheated on me from behind," which gets the Unintentionally Hilarious Line of the Year Award.
B) Tutues.
C) Bubblicious.
D) My tung.
E) Sins, all of them.
F) Redemption, every mother-lovin' inch of it.
G) A big, fat, tutu wearing cock.

UPDATE: It is definitely not H) The wet, smelly dump I just took that required not one, but two courtesy flushes and left me feeling so disgusted I want to sneak home and wash my ass. It's not in my mouth right now, so stop telegraphing me about it.

The Masses CHEER for My Mouth

There are some readers out there who are so obviously not focusing on my mouth that it's not even funny. Not. Even. Funny. There are hundreds of millions of blogs on the Inter-Web, but only ONE is dedicated not to stupid stories about children, or relationships, or bizarre confessionals, or anything else so incredibly trite and banal that you could ossify into a stone statue just by reading about them. That blog is this one: GWiMMRN. Get that through your thick skull. FOCUS. FOCUS on my MOUTH. I'm on my last nerve here, so don't make me get out the Travis Frey marriage contract and have you sign it. Clear? Excellent. Here's a refresher course: I've put something in my mouth. Can you guess what it is?

A) Watermellon bubblisious (sic)
B) A watermellon bubblisious (sic) and shredded wheat shit pie, with a dollop of sour cream splattered all over the top
C) A gallon of alfredo sauce, sans fettucine, with little chunks of unchewed watermellon bubblisious (sic) suspended in the mass
D) A traffic jam caused by watermellon bubblisious (sic)
E) Several lobsters singing "Mammy" like Al Jolson and making tiny little sculptures out of chewed wads of watermellon bubblisious (sic)
F) That time we were in that strip joint in the Phillippines where the dancers would pick up stacks of coins with their snatches and you heated the top coin up with a lighter real good so that when the chick squatted over them and picked 'em up, she squealed and sprayed quarters all over the bar with a loud "thbbbbbbbbbbbbbt" *clink clink clink clink clink* sound like a big fleshy slot machine
G) A big, fat cock


GWiMMRN, Turtles Eating Salad Edition

Remember when Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now used to have "editions," like some news magazine? Yeah. Well, like my man A. Louima says, "oooooh boy."


A) Turtles, and their weird, un-turtle-like noises while eating green, leafy vegetables.
B) My toilet, who refused to flush a beefy turd I delivered last night.
C) A plunger.
D) A mop.
E) A bucket o' suds.
F) Disgust and anger at a turd who could not possibly control its own destiny.
G) Forgiveness.
H) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Travis Frey Marriage Contract Edition

My man Travis got his ass busted, but it's all good. To honor this unimaginably sick fuck, I've placed one of several things in my mouth that he might be familiar with. Guess which one is in there right now:

A) The 2.0" X 1.0" X 1/3" patch of pubic hair above Mrs. Frey's vaginal SLIT
B) The 75,000 GBD's Mrs. Frey earned by inserting a live chipmunk inside her vaginal SLIT (not expected)
C) An application of lube to a sex toy Mrs. Frey bought for herself as Travis Frey's birthday present to her, later placed in her vaginal SLIT
D) A thong worn by Mrs. Frey during her menstrual cycle to bed so that she doesn't spray blood from her vaginal SLIT
E) Three hours of My-Time where Mrs. Frey doesn't argue, complain, whine, sob, cry, condescend, sulk, raise her voice, ask for anything, or is otherwise distracted from me by other things. During this time, she may be subservient and submissive, do what she's asked when she's asked it, act cheerful and adoring, perform any sexual acts including the ingestion of spooge, but she may NOT try to slap me with the meat curtains the size of cow tongues she has flanking her vaginal SLIT
F) A bunch of turtles eating salad

UPDATE: It is becoming more likely that the answer is H) A chip butty moistened from the acidic secretions of Mrs. Frey's vaginal SLIT

ONE FINAL UPDATE: No, I didn't mean purple turtle penis, you assgobbler.


GWiMMRN, Bio Back-Spatter Bump Day Edition

A day without bio back-spatter is like a day without sunshine, that's what I always say. It's also why I wash my balls like fifteen times a day. Remember when GWiMMRN used to do "editions," like some fucking magazine or something? Yeah. Those were the days. Huh? No, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying, either. I've got something in my mouth, though. Guess what it is and win a free bundle of bio back-spatter bagels with butter:

A) Itchy Penis bread
B) The exact reason why this blog was started: a deconstruction of the theme of online diaries told in a humorous, albeit sickeningly tasteless fashion
C) A milkshake consisting of blended opossum shit, chunks of suet, and the little leavings from Dr. Alter's labia majora remodelings so that it's not a milkshake at all, but something truly revolting
D) A large, unsightly pubic fat deposit
E) A picture of the time I stuck my erect penis into the corner Blockbuster Video "Return Slot" and asked, "ANYONE SEEN THIS? IT'S PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! LOTS OF SPECIAL EFFECTS!"
F) A big, fat opossum cock

B.F. UPDATE: It may just be G) Deroy Murdock, or it might not.

EVEN B.F UPDATE: "Grow up."


GWiMMRN, Pink n' Perky Edition

I'm feelin' frisky!


A) Something else nobody wants to hear about.
B) Somethin' pink n' perky.
C) That sweet Southern mumble them Brokeback Mountain boys were talkin' in.
D) A giggle when, during a humping scene in Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger, after a few second silence, emits a furious, high pitched yet gutteral grunt.
E) The real Brokeback Mountain.
F) The money I didn't pay you to let the dogs babysit the sheep while you stem the rose.
G) A big, fat "stem on the rose," if you know what I mean.

UPDATE: It could now be H) The phrase, "I'm going to take my elephant out for a jog." Hope this helps.

GWiMMRN, Another Two for Tuesday Edition

What the fuck good are Tuesdays? Nothing good ever happened on a Tuesday. They should just make Tuesday another day off for the rest of us. Or me, at least. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. When it comes to my mouth, NOBODY gets a day off. NOBODY. So, guess which TWO things are in my mouth right now:

A) Eugene's red, sore asshole, so stuffed with soap on a rope that only a couple inches of soft twine have emerged from his anus like a prairie dog peeking out of a hole
B) Bio back-spatter pancakes
C) The truly sick, diseased mind that would come up with the term "bio back-spatter"
D) A lovely slice of tiramisu dusted with cocoa powder and served with a small glass of anisette
E) A hot jock itch sundae served on a cold scrotum
F) A lovely punch in the balls for the next person who asks a dumb question, sprinkled with fecal dust and served with a series of complaints about their treatment that nobody wants to hear
G) The dried jungle juice that glues Kelsey Grammer's belly hair to the waistband of his shorts every single day and only peels away with a semi-painful rrrrrrrrrrippppp
H) A big, fat cock slathered in bio back-spatter


GWiMMRN, Coach Class Sucks the Big Rat's Dick Edition

There's nothing quite like airline travel these days. I love it, because it gives me the opportunity to put things in my mouth that can't be found anywhere else. Thomas Fries, ACT-Urine Multitask Spectacular, and Abner Louima's "Cocoa Plunger" are a dime a dozen. The things which I may have in my mouth right now are SPECIAL. Can you guess? what? is? in? my? mouth? right? now?

A) The fat, endlessly-fidgeting bull dyke in the seat next to me on the way in that irritated me so much by her shifting around and chattering to her fellow muff-muncher that I literally shat myself in anger
B) The withered old man in the seat next to me on the way home who took up both armrests and kept leaning against me while I was trying to read
C) A drinks cart that shaved the first few layers of flesh from my elbow
D) The cretinous stewardess that kept opening soda cans so close to my face that my hair got lacquered to wooden stiffness by a combination of carbonated sugar and nutrasweet
E) The thirteen-year-old girl in the other aisle seat who was reading an article in Cosmopolitan about how to make sex far more pleasurable for your man
F) The hard slap of dread that hit me when I realized that this website, combined with teenage girls' access to articles about giving really good blowjobs, is contributing to the overall downfall of society
G) The high-pitched "heeheeheeheeheehee!" titter I let out as I sat there in my own cold shit
H) The angry glares from flight crew and fellow passengers alike as everyone realized that they were going to have to live with the smell of my unspeakably befouled britches for hours to come
I) An obstinate refusal to go to the aft lavatory to "clean myself up a little"
J) A big, fat pilot's cock with cool sunglasses on it

UPDATE: The answer may actually be K) Complaints about my treatment, even though I know nobody cares about that. Nobody.

UPDATE UPDATE: *squibbbb*


GWiMMRN, Sunday "Business Center" Edition

While on a business trip for my 2nd job (my 1st job is stuffing stuff in my mouth like there's no tomorrow, and there isn't), I'm now in the "Business Center" of the hotel. While others are using the fax machine to send me messages, I'm here to report on the wonderful things that MAY OR MAY NOT BE in my mouth right now. See, some of you still think that ALL the choices are in my mouth right now. That would be impossible, right? You can't have the entire state of Idaho AND spooch in your mouth AT THE SAME TIME, right?

Okay, fun's over. GWiMMRN:

A) Stale croissants from the "complimentary" "continental" "breakfast."
B) Rancid butter from the "complimentary" "continental" "breakfast."
C) Stale coffee from the "complimentary" "continental" "breakfast."
D) Curdled half n' half, from the "complimentary" "continental" "breakfast," of which I'm pretty sure is 75% jizz.
E) Self-loathing that I'm using the "business center" to update this horribly disgusting website.
F) The innumerable amount of spider eggs, fecal dust, dried spooge, flaked human skin, and just plain dirt that I inhaled while sleeping in my hotel room.
G) Fecal dust, whatever that is.
H) The entire state of Idaho.
I) Company time.
J) A big, fat corporate cock.