GWiMMRN, I Forgive You on Saturday Edition

I know it's hard to focus as you scurry about, hither and yon, doing this and that. I forgive you for not focusing. Even so, you HAVE to focus. FOCUS on what's in my mouth. Right now. One of these things is in there. Which might it be:

A) The walnut-sized testicles of Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts (YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT SOONER OR LATER, YOU KNOW, SO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM)
B) A tall decaf java chip frappucino
C) The Grand Valley Girls Basketball Team's sports bras, all salty with sweat
D) The cold crust of week-old shit gluing together that bag lady's ass cheeks
E) A cold crust of pizza
F) Cow udder eclairs
G) A diagram very helpfully labeled as "MAP"
H) Meat pierogie
I) Warsaw
J) A big, fat cock pierogie


I Refuse to Apologize for Your Actions

If you can't focus without constant prompting, I refuse to apologize for it. Didn't your parents/foster home/orphanage nuns teach you right?

Let's try this agin. This time, with OOOMPH.

A) Eyes Wide Shut.
B) Eyes Glued Shut.
C) Cockistan.
D) East Ballsistan.
E) West Ballsistan.
F) Spuj, the capital of Cockistan.
G) Pornogeography.
H) Fill in the blank: A big, fat __ __ __ __.

Update: It could be I) This pornogeographic map of the Cockistan region.


That's right, I told you to go fuck yourself. Got a problem with that? Good. I'm sick of ALL OF YOU. The NOT FOCUSING on this site is getting on my LAST FUCKING NERVE. Just guess what the fuck's in my mouth right now, before I give you a curb job you'll never forget:

A) Jubbbles the Clown's famous phrase, "I'm jubbbling! I'm jubbbbbbbling!"
B) The Schoolhouse Rock song, "Conjunctivitis, what's your function? Makin' your eye ooze horrible muuuucus..."
C) A pound of pussy pemmican served on toast points
D) A whipped avocado-and-human shit parfait, presented as a unique Mexican dish like guacamole and served with chips fried in ass-fat
E) A cold sore
F) A hot sore
G) A big, fat, sore cock

UPDATE: Ooooo! The implications!

FURTHER UPDATE: In two minutes, the answer might be H) Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts! Hurry up and choose! HURRY UPPPPP!!!!


My Mouth is Ravashing

Behold the majesty that is My Mouth. Gaze... intotheFUTURE!


A) Lovely, lovely Ludwig van.
B) Pink eye!
C) A hunger that never quits.
D) New England Clam Chowder.
E) Omar Sherif, every mother loving oh never mind.
F) Lawrence of Arabia's big, fat, sandy cock.

Nobody Wants to Deal With My Mouth

My mouth is not going to go away. It's sticking around. It's going to be here for some time. A LONG time. You have NO idea. Guess what's in it right now:

A) The track ball of the semi-attractive, heavily-tattooed woman in Customer Service that I occasionally smear with my own jism so that every time she does some work, I can pretend she's jerking me off
B) The cock ring dispenser ($2/ring) I saw in the bathroom of that strip joint in Ottawa, Ontario
C) A chunk
D) A very nice piece of jewelry I complimented Sister Mary O'Flanagan on wearing during one of our counseling sessions
E) A moist, green, peanut-strewn dump that smelled so bad that I considered calling a doctor right after to ask if such a thing was normal
F) A big, fat beringed cock


Well Looky Here!

Feeling under the weather? Huh? Fuckface? Do ya? Just wanted to TOUCH BASE with you. You know? TOUCHING BASE IS GOOOOOD. You unstable fuck-herder you.

Now, with that out of the way, GWiMMRN:

A) Silence.
B) Riff-raff.
C) Cojones!
D) The majikle incantation: "Shibbity doo wah, fuckle knuckle yo."
E) The fart that turned into a princess when I kissed it last night and said the majikle incantation (see Letter D).
F) A sore fucking throat that just won't go away.
G) A big, fat cock that just won't go away.

GWiMMRN, Fuck All Y'all Bump Day Edition

We're back to editions at GWiMMRN, at least THIS edition of it. Celebration's over once I puke. Anyway, the whole task you've been tasked with, if it isn't too tasking, is to guess what's in my mouth right now. A few of you have had problems focusing. I don't give a fuck about your problems. Nobody wants to hear about that. What everyone DOES want to hear about is what's in my mouth. So, guess what's in it right now:

A) Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint of GWiMMRN"
B) A cucumber with labial prints ALL OVER IT
C) A hair-choked clot of rectal mucus I left in the collection plate last Sunday that nobody wanted to deal with
D) The gentle ribbing I'll no doubt receive from the dentist today when they find out it's been a few years since I last went in
E) The unnecessarily harsh reply of, "Just shut the fuck up and clean my fucking teeth, you ill-educated TUUUUHHHHH-WAT" I've been practicing for a few days, now
F) The small constellation of zits on Elisha Cuthbert's chin clearly visible on the latest episode of 24
G) Elisha Cuthbert's big, fat cockbert

UPDATE: THIS JUST IN!! The answer is most likely H) The five years in prison Water Nix will get for making Louise Ogborn fellate him because a voice on the telephone told her to do so


Oh No!

I got too excited about my 300th relentless mouthable! Now I have to stuff everything back in there! O.K.! Done! You can go back to guessing now!

Holy Fat Cocks! It's the 300th Relentless Mouthable!!!

I can't believe I made it to 300! It's a fucking MIRACLE, like...like the loaves and the fishes! Jesus Cockgobbling CHRIST! I feel like that DISGUSTING Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart!

I just want you all to know that I'm not going to let it go to my head. I'm still the same person stuffing all manner of things into my mouth. I'm going to SHARE in the celebration, however, by LETTING you Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now:

A) *rffrrfffrrrppptttt* *frrrggppttt* *fffrrrpPPPPtppptttt* *frrpppyyttt* *gheeerppttt* *hurmptttttttttttpt-ptptpt* *frrppptttppprrrtttrrrp* *GHEEERRPPPTTTttptpptt* *hurumptppptttptpt* *SQUIRRRBBTSPLOOOSH*
B) Party favors from the kind of party where all the guys blow cumbubbles with their semen and try to get the ovulating ladies pregnant
C) Grated Parmesan FECES
D) A nice, crispy, fried chicken breast with cornbread
E) Three pancreases
F) Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts, AKA "leftover fruit shit"
G) Hello Kitty Toys for Twats
H) A Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 and a FR-OOZE Pop, where "apparently the child sucks on the pop until a point where the 'goo' center is made available and it is squirted into the mouth with a squeeze to the base"
I) Harry Potter's big, fat, nocturnally emitting cock


GWiMMRN, What the Fuck? Edition

Alright people! Don't be alarmed. Everyone just CALM DOWN. Now, don't panic. I'm going to unzip my pants and everyone, and I MEAN EVERYONE, can kiss my hairy, hairy bean bags. Now, don't crowd, don't push ahead in line, there's time enough for everyone. OK? Now, after you're done, guess what's in my mouth right now. Remember: CALM DOWN. FOCUS.

A) Crash? What the fuck?
B) Seriously. Crash? You've got to be kidding, right?
C) You're seriously telling me that Crash was the best movie of the year? No fucking way, man. NO. FUCKING. WAY. Brokeback was ROBBED, dude. ROBBED.
D) Way too much emotional investment in something sooooo stupid.
E) A sore throat, the sniffles, and a bad case of the shits.
F) Halls, tissues, and nothing stops a bad case of the shits. NOTHING.
G) Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart.
H) Reese Witherspoon's excitement at getting the Oscar.
I) *fffrrrrpppttt* *SPLOOOOOSH!* Oh. Oh boy.
J) A big, fat, golden Oscar cock.

UPDATE: It may now be K) This screenshot of the Academy Award 2006 nominations as broadcasted internationale:


GWiMMRN, Sunday, Spoogy Sundayyyyyy Edition

Easter's around the corner, where the miracle of my mouth is celebrated worldwide by the eating of rabbit-shaped candies and hot cross buns.


Yes. I know. I'm farting.

Big Deal. Get over it.


Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) This extremely creepy white chocolate bunny, apparently giving birth to a little yellow chick:
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
B) My wife, who performed an impromptu abortion on the bunny with my folding knife and gave me the little yellow chick-fetus to eat
C) The chair, which is against the wall
D) John, who has a long mustache
E) A nice serving of turkey sashimi with cold soba noodles
F) That time where I tried to use a live frog as a straw for sucking up pond water
H) A big, fat cloaca