GWiMMRN, Huge Hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid Saturday After THANKSGIVING Edition

Okay. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to guess what's in my mouth right now. You have to go for the gold. You have to catch this hail-Mary pass and run it all the way for the game-winning oral touchdown. Failure is not an option. Here are your choices:

A) An extra-large tube of store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream, needed to relieve the agony of post-Thanksgiving stool strain (mostly empty)
B) An Applebee's moist towelette, sneaked from the back room of the restaurant and repurposed as an applicator for the store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream
C) What I later found under my fingernail when I realized that the towelette tore under the pressure
D) The deepest, darkest erotic fantasies that Cheryl Kratic of Peculiar, Missouri would never ever reveal to her husband (they involve an Easy Bake Oven, a live badger, and a bottle of Astroglide)
E) A fried egg sandwich on a hamburger bun with extra bacon and a dash of Cholula sauce
F) Dora the Explorer's big, fat, lesbian cock


After-Thanksgiving Special

I am here to let you know that you should still give thanks for my cyclopean maw. In honor of the anticipation of your thanks, I have stuffed more than just stuffing in my mouth:

A) The strain from post-Thanksgiving constipation that I'm sure everyone gets on black friday.
B) Intergalactic War!
C) Little dark brown balls of stinky giblet shits.
D) The biggest, sweetest smelling bar of soap you've ever seen after sloshing around in that hot-tub.
E) Spoim.
F) A big, fat cock bought at a black friday sale in the boondocks of Bumblefuck, WI.


Wheeeeeeeeew! Thank God I don't always SWALLOW what's in my mouth, or else my stomach would have exploded long ago. This Thanksgiving was an awesome spectacle, and I only wish everyone could have seen it. Perhaps next year, I'll make sure it's televised. Anyway, I'm going to make this edition of GWiMMRN an easy one:

A) A really, REALLY, REALLY catastrophically bad case of the turkey trots
B) The small fart that I'd tried to ease out after dinner with the whole family that turned out to be much louder and significantly wetter than I'd originally hoped
C) Uncle Ned's bark of commiserating laughter when from the smell, he and everyone else deduced that I'd shat myself
D) The vaguely "Y"-shaped brown mark I left on the white couch cushion as a consequence of my GI tract betraying me
E) The plastic sheet they made me sit on the rest of the evening because I could no longer be trusted
F) The horrible, shimmery, aquamarine pantsuit my cousin was wearing that I'd earlier seen worn by an inner-city streetwalker, except that my cousin's pantsuit didn't have dirty knees or a suspicious rusty-brown stain at the crotch
G) The slurry of toothpaste and saliva that came out of my nose when, laughing to myself and brushing my teeth, I tried to think of a way to communicate what happened with both pathos and realism
H) A big, fat cock slathered in Imodium


Holy Fat Cocks! It's Fuckin' THANKSGIVING!

I can't BELIEVE it's already here! THANKSGIVING! To consecrate this totally awesome holiday, all will now give thanks to my mouth. Go on. I'll wait.

Done? Good. I plan to stuff so much stuff into my overstuffed mouth that even Jesus Christ Himself will look over and go, "Motherfucker. THAT cat's got a lot of stuff in his mouth." I will amaze the gods themselves, and cause the angels to tremble in awe at my maw's CYCLOPEAN majesty. You have a task too, you know, and it's not just thanking GOD for my mouth. You have to Guess What's in My Mouth RIIIIIIIIIGHT NOW! Go go go!

A) A bad case of the turkey trots
B) The glistening yellow-and-black goober Uncle Ned accidentally hawked up on the sweet potatoes after having smoked too many of those cheap plastic-tipped cigarillos
C) The saliva and mucus-slimed hole in Uncle Ned's throat that he uses to speak out of with the aid of an electronic device that makes him sound like Stephen Hawking
D) Stephen Hawking's latest diaper leavings after a week-long diet of only cranberry sauce and uncooked chorizo
E) A steaming, bubbling hot tub full of mixed store-brand turkey gravy and Pepto-Bismol
F) Shock and outraged horror that my sick pastime is used to defile a great American tradition
G) A mask of moist, uncooked turkey giblets that I plan to wear all day while tooling around the neighborhood with my pants down around my ankles and mashed potatoes on my dingus, shouting, "IT'S WHAT THE FUCKIN' PILGRIMS DID! IT'S WHAT THE FUCKIN' PILGRIMS DID! GIVE THANKS, MOTHERFUCKERS!"
H) YOUR turkey dinner. Yes, YOURS
I) A big, fat pilgrim cock


Guggles! Turkeys Flying in My Mouth!

Give thanks, you tough sponges! Thanks for stuff to stuff stuff in your stuff-holes! OH YEAH. You don't have to be a paraplegic mailperson to appreciate today's almost-Thanksgiving moisterrific morsels that occupy my labial intentions!

A) Tequila! Bum bada ba ba bum paaaa!
B) Bai Ling's flop-sweat.
C) Wonderboy!
D) Kim Bassinger's crazy ass.
E) Mark Harmon's gonads.
F) Turkey-baster deluxe.
G) A deluxuriffic big, fat cock.

Jesus Fucking H Christ! Thanksgiving Day Eve Is Here!

Holy Christ! Fuck fuck fuck! I'm DANCING with excitement here! Thanksgiving is almost upon us! I've had to change my shorts seventeen times in the last five minutes! You'll be at least as excited as me when you guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A happy Japanese woman
B) Raw turkey giblets served in SNATCH gravy, oh YEAH
C) A half-chewed laxative suppository (whoops, wrong end!)
D) This website (oo oo! The further implications!)
E) A condom for the greater of two penises
F) The crunchy topping of an entire casserole of cornbread stuffing, eaten while no one was looking
G) A big, fat, suckery octopus cock



Just making room for some Thomas Fries.

O.K. I'm ready. Stuffing stuff back in there starting...

NOW! Go! Guess! What's! in! My! Mouth! Right! Now!

Danny Boy, Danny Boy! My Mouth is Callin' Yer!

As the luck of the Irish would have it, I've got something in my mouth! ooooo! Guess what it is!

A) Columbian coffee, roasted over a fire of kidnapped victims.
B) 98.6 degrees F.
C) A Shillelagh that I wanted you to stop hitting me with.
D) My mouth (ooo! The implications!).
E) A firehydrant.
F) Brown pubic hair, dyed so that no one can tell your age.
G) The pipes! The pipes are calling for a big, fat cock, Danny Boy!

Do the Math, Folks: My Mouth + Stuff = Teethsday

Sleepy pigs! Sleepy pigs! Wakey wakey! It's time to put more things in my capacious majesty of a maw. Now, as my molars delight in something new, try to guess what wonderful, pre-thanksgiving stuff is in there (right now!)!

A) Oranges!
B) 'Phant! The Musical where everyone gets to kiss it.
C) Icee McDick's World Famous Protein Slurpee.
D) A vintage "We are the World" 12 inch vinyl record, bought purely out of guilt.
E) The glee I get when I think about how some folks stumble upon this site and feel a growing horror that some maniac documents what impossibly disgusting things are in their mouth day after day, sometimes three or four times a day, at all hours of the day, for weeks and weeks.
F) A 12'' vinyl cock, previously unsucked.

GWiMMRN, Petty Torture Tuesday Edition

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving is here already. I hope you're prepared to thank my mouth and what's in it. With that in mind, we're going to explore the world of petty torture IN MY MOUTH. Guess which punishment is in there:

A) A titty twister
B) Indian burns
C) Purple nurples
D) A wet willy
E) An EXTREME wet willy (that's where you jam a long, rhinestone-studded fingernail into the slit of a man's penis and twist several times)
F) Clit slaps
G) A big, fat, purple Indian cock


I Don't Know How to Put This Any Other Way...

Look. The point of all this is my mouth, and what goes in it. I can tell you're thinking about other things: finances, television programs, family issues, incontinence issues, your friends. Fuck all that. It doesn't matter. Focus on my mouth. I'm not gonna say it again. You know what to do: guess. What's in my mouth. Right now.

A) A big cold bowl of fuck
B) SNATCH gravy. Oh YEAH
C) Unconventional Swedish cuddly toys
D) Unconventional Swedish turkey basters full of SNATCH gravy. Oh YEAH
E) A tweeting pillow with the Baby Jesus' first tooth embedded in it
F) A soft caramel candy with poppy seeds all over it
G) Michele's moist panties when she sees that this edition includes the letter "G" ungh ungh ungh
H) Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's big, fat, undead cock. Oh YEAH

Mouth My Monday, Part Teeth

I need you to find out that I do not necessarily swallow what I put in my mouth. I can't possibly swallow everything I put in there as my stomach would explode and choccy pudding would fly to all corners of the room. With this in mind, and these things in mouth, GWiMMRN:

A) Huey's Boondock afro.
B) The fiery cocks me and Shifty McPenis will be dining on in Hell for this blasphemous website.
C) Madonna's red Kabba-lahhhhh bracelet.
D) Sperm stuffed turkey with all the fixins.
E) A strap-on turkey baster that these lovely ladies used on each other.
F) A porky Taradise adventure.
G) A big, fat cock impaled on a long, steel pitchfork.

Good night, and good luck.

GWiMMRN, The Monday Before Thanksgiving Edition

Before long, in just a few short days, we will all be giving thanks to MY MOUTH. You can do so early by guessing what's in it right now:

A) The words, "Hee hee! You'll never catch me!"
B) Bobo the lovehurt monkey's swollen scrotum, filled to bursting with hot, hot luuuuuuuuuuv
C) A dirty diaper found under the 3rd St. overpass by a homeless man looking for choccy pudding
D) Stimpy's pancreas, speared on the tip of a slow, yet paternalistic unicorn
E) A fluffy anus
F) A big, fat, fluffy cock


Getting Back to Basics: My Mouth, and What's in It

Somehow, we've gotten away from the main story here; my mouth, and what's in it. Rest assured that only the finest ingredients are placed within. Among your enjoyable choices du jour:

A) A brand spankin' new dirigible.
B) A delicious bass.
C) A hefty fine for urinating in public.
D) Betty and Barney Hill's used rectal probe.
E) Shifty McPenis' sledgehammerific pick-lock set.
F) A buy-one-get-one-free coupon from the Farsight Institute of remote viewing.
G) Shifty McPenis' big, fat stolen cock.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday!

As Bono himself would sing, "How long, how long must I tug my schlong!" He, if given the opportunity, would also sing lovely songs about my mouth, were he but aware of its majesty. By virtue of your reading this, you are yourself aware of my mouth, which, as Martha Stewart would say, is a Good Thing. What Good Things have I placed in my mouth now, though? That's the question you must answer.

A) Several pages from the King James bible, specifically the Book of Corinthians, repurposed as a nun's emergency panty liner
B) Mother Teresa's pubic hair, grown to freakish proportions after her death and woven into a Valentine for Jodie Foster
C) A pile of those squirrely little green shits you take after eating greasy Mexican food
D) The taste of ozone heralding my imminent demise via celestial lightning bolt
E) A pint of Cris-TAHL, sipped out of Michael Moore's grapefruit-shaped and sized belly button
F) The bits of lint, cheese, and ancient food caught between my teeth after sipping E)
G) Jodie Foster's big, fat lesbian cock