The Only Good Saturday...

Is a Saturday in my mouth. All right: enough with the bullshit. Just guess what's in there right now:

A) A "Frosty Paws" ice cream dog treat, purchased and eaten without knowing it was a dog treat until after someone else pointed it out later
B) The complex mixture of shame, amusement, and self-loathing that ensued upon hearing the news
C) The dog's asshole I tried to suck on later as a consequence of ingesting chemicals not meant for human consumption
D) Lori Bakker's grunts of intense delight as her pool boy rogers her with a dildo the size of a Samoan baby's forearm
E) Eggnog cookies, six dozen of 'em
F) "All of those horrible, slimy things...trying to get back in." (Bonus points if you can guess the movie)
G) The terrible thing I did to that old woman that time that she has never forgotten and never will
H) Jackson Harglow's big, fat cock


By the Liiiiight, of the Silvery Fiiiiilings...

Fiiiiilings... misty watercolored fiiiiiilings... Guess, guess what's in my mouth... right nowwwwwww!

A) Christian soft-core vampire porn by the queen of Christian soft-core vampire porn herself, Anne Rice.
B) Tea bags.
C) Tea baggings.
D) The bumper sticker on my SUV.
E) A fiery sermon from Jim Bakker.
F) The absolutely frightening face of Lori Bakker.

G) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN: It Will Never Fucking End

I AM relentless. I will go on, and on, and on. I owe it to you, my readers. If you haven't realized by now that my mouth crosses all moral, political, and temporal boundaries, then you just haven't been paying attention. Focus. Say it with me: I CAN. I CAN. I CAN. TOUCHDOWN!!

With that out of the way, let's get to what you all came here to do: guess what's in my mouth right now.

A) The cute AFLAC duck, repurposed as a wriggling, feathery condom for my next appointment with Harvey Fierstein's slack, overfucked asshole
B) lola's spendiferouslygigantamormous bush, arftully shaved into a "Madonna and Child" silhouette for the season
C) The rampant homophobia that passes for humor around this sick place
D) Vampire soft-porn, for those who like their smut romantic, blood-tinged, and without a scintilla of hot man-custard all over some chick's tits to be found
E) A small, passable shitlet concealed inside the center of a Tootsie Pop
F) The brief feeling of homicidal anger I experienced when, after I asked for the checkbook, my wife smirked and threw it across the room away from me so it landed in the cat dish
G) Lambada, the FORBIDDEN dance
H) Smegmada, the FORBIDDEN dick cheese
I) A big, fat, vampiric cock


Early New Year's Resolution

I've already made my New Year's resolution. Wanna know what it is? 'Cause I'm a gonna tell ya!

It's to stuff stuff in my mouth and dare people to guess what's in there! Hooray! TOUCHDOWN! SHARK! SHARK! Flapflapflap! It will never fucking end!


A) The coke side of life.
B) Kangaroo pouch slime.
C) The horrible answer to the question of what happens to the feces/urine of the joey of a mother kangaroo while it sits in the pouch: "the joey’s waste is neither absorbed nor expelled, it is licked and consumed by the mother kangaroo."
D) The horrible American equivalent to the kangaroo pouch.
E) Alternative meats.
F) The sudden decision to become a vegetarian after reading about that horrible BLT.
G) Brokedick Cowboy Cock.

UPDATE: The answer could possibly be H) The enormous turd that my sphincter and colon, working in tandem, literally chewed to small, passable shitlets because otherwise, that fecal beast would never have left. Whew. Or it could be I) The abdominal muscle cramps from such strenuous twisting and turning on the toilet trying to wrestle that monster out of there.

Have a Happy, Flappy Christmas, Right INTO MY MOUTH

That's right! I'll be giving you the TRUE words to common Christmas songs over the next few weeks to prepare you for the TRUE meaning of the holiday. You'll thank me later, at least until you've guessed what's in my mouth right now:

A) The green foam inside a can of Fix-A-Flat, mixed with the thin, yellowish diarrhea of a dysentery sufferer to make a tasty mayonnaise substitute
B) Two slices of moldy white bread ruthlessly stolen from a homeless woman who'd been using them as tampons
C) Necrotic strips of muscle fiber sliced from a dead leper's back
D) A beefsteak tomato rescued from a warm summer spent in one of Oprah Winfrey's fat rolls
E) The loose leaves of Boston Bibb lettuce I used to regularly wipe my ass with when I was working in the produce department of a local store you used to shop in. And you thought it was only dirt so you just rinsed it off a little, you shit eater
G) Heath Ledger's big, fat, pudding-covered cock ruthlessly stolen from Jake Gyllenhall's asshole


Flap Flap Flap Flap FlapFlap!


Does a Wooden Horse Have a Hickory Dick?


A) King Kong's ding a lang a ding dong.
B) The floo.
C) The summation of Xmas, "spending all your money on presents you'd hate to receive, to give to someone you're not really that bothered about."
D) Wooden sperm.
E) A trail mix bar covered in ants.
F) Chinese food dressed up like a whore.
G) The choo-choo train you can drive through these things.
H) Santa Claus' big, fat, red, white bearded, reindeer ass smelling cock.

Here Comes Santa Claus, Here Comes Santa Claus, Right INTO MY MOUTH

Have I told you that Christmas is one of my favorite holidays? Not because of the faggoty lights or the holiday spirit bullshit. It's because I have another day sanctioned by God Himself to put whatever I like into my mouth. Believe me: when you hear the REAL story of Christmas and what it has to do with my mouth, you'll never look at late December the same way again. But not yet. What's important now is that you Guess! What's! In! My! Mouth! Right! Now!

A) The new German rock group named TUÜRD
B) The chirpy, moronic bitch at Bath and Body Works that I skull-fucked so hard that her dead grandfather's got a migraine now because she just wouldn't leave me alone
C) A cool, refreshing drink
D) The wrong foot, covered with fungus
E) Utter shock and horror that my new pantaloons now force me to gyrate my crotch against any rear end they come into close proximity to
F) A Vlasic Zesty Garlic pickle plucked lovingly from Larry "Bud" Melman's starfish
G) *crunch crunch*
H) *prrt prrrrrt*
I) Ice-T's big, fat, Kop Killing Kock


Chim Chimmery Chim Chimmery Chim Chim Chiroo!

GWiMMRN, you who are covered in goo (this means you!)!

A) An ancient floppy disk, covered in smutz.
B) A much needed community meeting about the line, "You only charm jizz."
C) iPod earWax from the Apple store listening station.
D) Iced tea.
E) Ice-T.
F) Rainbow coloured pantaloons made entirely from dog-snouts, to wear over those horrid panties.
G) A special day that only you and I share.
H) A big, fat cock.

Mondays SUCK Except When They're in My Mouth

In which case, they're simply wonderful. In addition to Monday, what else is in my mouth?

A) Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men
B) A piece of wet, flyblown shit found in the last stall of the men's room of the Goodwill down the street, glistening with rectal blood
C) lola's flangy potting shed
D) lola's pastrami-looking massafologooggo facial growth
E) The sick, sinking feeling many decent, hard-working poor families will experience when they look at this month's heating bill and realize that they'll have to suck a lot more dick on the corner of Front and Seventh to pay it
F) The sick, sinking feeling that any decent person would experience upon reading this heartless description of poverty
G) A live parrot without its beak that needs to be dunked headfirst into a cup of water if it wants to drink
H) *blub burble blub*
I) A big, fat cock with a parrot on it


Sundays in My Mouth Are the Essence of Holiness

Happy Sunday! Did you know that this year, Christmas will be on Sunday? And we all know that Christmas has more to do with my mouth than with the birth of Christ. Get ready; the miracle of my mouth will be explained in a few short weeks. To tide you over, I have a bomb-diggity collection of things that may be in my mouth, and all you have to do is guess which three of them are in there:

A) The foreskin of the Baby Jesus, kept by a secret Christian sect and venerated by them as the holiest of holies. Once yearly, they collect the cheeselike "Sacred Smegma of the Lord" and consume it with relish
B) A pair of panties made out of cats' tongues
C) A tofu hotdog that tastes EXACTLY like you'd expect shit to taste, except that shit tastes better
D) A slice of tofu hot dog cake, the taste of which is simply indescribable in human language
E) A rectal polyp hot fudge sundae
F) Tory boy's sixth sense
G) The shock and horror Tory boy would experience if he knew that not only were his sexual exploits documented on his lover's blog, but also that they have become a source of amusement for a sick individual who documents the worst things he can think of to put in his mouth
H) Tory boy's big, fat cock (stolen from you-know-who)