GWiMMRN, Oh God This Shit Never Ends Edition

I don't know what will happen when I reach my 300th Relentless Mouthable. The world may come to an abrupt, ignominious end. Or, things might just go along as they've always done. That doesn't absolve you of your responsibility to guess what's in my mouth right now, however:

A) Italian food
B) lola's secret admirer's sweaty, grubby masturbatory fantasies of drinking tea strained through lola's dirty, dirty panties while she cavorts in front of the television, low-hanging jubbblies jubbbling
C) Spat out chunks of Evander Holyfield's ears
D) Spat out chunks of crispy elephant ears
E) Swallowed chunks of crunchy elephant penises
F) A shaved taint
G) A big, fat, shaved, jubbbly elephant penis


Wet, Sloppy, and Delicious



A) Sen~or Chip Butty, the Patron Saint of Meh-Hee-Coh.
B) Inertia.
C) Chunky urine.
D) A don't ass, don't tell policy in the military.
E) Rocky road ice cream in a sweet graham cracker crust pie shell, with a dollop of whipped cream, a dousing of chocolate syrup, and a wee-bit of rainbow sprinkles.
F) A twenty thousand year old woolly mammoth turd.
G) William Hung's big, fat cock, covered in Selena's vaginal dust.

UPDATE!!! THIS JUST IN! A new possibility is H) A juice indecision that led to an embarassing crying jag right there in the juice isle.


As I pour out this latest blog post onto the internet like a hot clot of snot from a dying man's nostrils, I found myself reflecting on all the good times we've had. It didn't take long, as my high standards don't permit me to have "good times" with the kind of sick, twisted lunatic that would read this blog. I mean, you should be ASHAMED of yourself. So come on, sicko: GWiMMRN. It's all you've got:

A) The sociological concept of "essentializing"
B) The scatological concept of "ass eating"
C) The dearth of personal responsibility embodied in Super Size Me, which when translated into physical form would take the shape and size of a gnat's left nut
D) That time I wiped my ass so hard that a peanut fragment from my shit flew off of the wadded-up sheets of toilet paper and landed on the bathroom tile with a low "click"
E) The still-beating heart of the first numbnut who thought it would be a good idea to put a substance that looks very much like the stuff that shoots out of my dick onto a hamburger or a BLT
F) A ubiquitous question
G) The assological concept of "the adorable little ass hairs near Larry 'Bud' Melman's hemorrhoid-plagued starfish"
H) Sssssssssssssssssssalsa! Bbbbrrrrrooooo!
I) A new personality
J) A big, fat corncock


Steaming Like a Fresh Turd on the White House Lawn

Yup! GWiMMRN is steaming like a fresh turd toward an historic 300th relentless mouthable.

But, we're not there yet. Victory, oh so sweet victory, is coming. But we must exercise patience and focus. Need I remind you to scroll down to the bottom of the page for re-education?


A) This absolutely frightening picture:

B) So-called, "Statements of Approval," which are not really statements that approve of GWiMMRN, but rather are approvals of immorality, dick jokes, and the end of civilization as we know it.
C) Dick jokes.
D) A feeling of self-importance.
E) A feeling of elf-importance.
F) A feeling at the back of my throat, which may or may not be a big, fat cock.

UPDATE: The answer may now be G) The "what" in the ubiquitous question, "what crawled up your ass and died?"

Like, Gag Me with a TURD!

Remember when GWiMMRN used to do edi...oh, fucking forget it. That joke's as old as Helen Thomas's CRUNT. Ready to guess what's in my mouth right now?

A) A small pumpkin, warmed to a little over body temperature in the microwave so it's ready to be made love to like Richard Speck in a house full of nurses
B) Pumpkin pie with whipped man-custard on top
C) An earbud ripped out of the head of that grubby, retarded homeless guy who masturbates on the courthouse lawn, all brownish-orange with ancient grime and years of collected wax
D) Señor Chip Butty's serious question of, "Hola! Como estas, bbbrrrrrooooo?"
E) A SPECIAL OPTION SELECTED BY Señor Chip Butty: "A envuelta alrededor de una rebanada de la torta realmente buena del perro caliente con un cristal helado de Listerine y de multitask de la orina espectaculares, bbbrrrrrooooo"
F) The really good cake of the hot dog
H) Señor Chip Butty's big, fat, buttery cock


Passenger Side Hairy Bean Bags

Been out looking for a car? Well, every car on the market today has my passenger side hairy bean bags. They come standard and they are there for YOUR protection. So, strap them on your chin and GWiMMRN!

A) The runner-up for Unintentionally Hilarious Line of the Year Award, "...just take me til you doze off..."
B) "the frustration about the way i was treated," and how nobody wants to hear about that.
C) The bumps on the head of my penis, which is the subject of Bump Day all around the world, which is o.k.
D) The first day of Spring!
E) Octopus salad.
F) Parts unknown.
G) The osgurs.
H) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Bump Day Is OK Edition

You all know that that bedtime story was totally apocryphal, right? How the fuck could the guy have put his tongue all the way through that chick's clit ring unless he had a tongue like a snake? Anyway, that's neither here nor there. What's here is my mouth. You're over there. To get closer to here, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A photo of the incident where I got my tongue stud caught in the adorable little ass hairs near Janeane Garofalo's shit-caked starfish
B) Brrrrrrrrrrroooospppurrrt*
C) Even more hot chocolate
D) A tiny doily woven from the adorable little ass hairs near Jordan's pink, puckered starfish
E) The most bizarre graph ever created
F) Whipped potatoes served on a used baby wipe
G) That small flying insect I found caught under my foreskin
H) God
I) A big, fat c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cock


Twisting the Toungue Awaaaay!

If you're like me, and you're not, you can't get that wonderful bedtime story out of your head.

"Ah haff to kwist awoun."


A) A cup of hot chocolate.
B) The Cartoon Network.
C) Emotional damage.
D) Another cup of hot chocolate.
E) A letter to the editor about the way I was treated by that woman and her clit ring.
F) Four little words.
G) (1)A (2)BIG (3)FAT (4)COCK

UPDATE: The answer could now be H) The following chart detailing relative dairy potential 2006-2007

GWiMMRN, Anustastin' Mardi Gras Edition

In New Orleans, it's Mardi Gras. I understand that it's a gigantic street party where sweaty people get drunk, throw up, and shout "SHOW US YOUR TITS!" to promiscuous, unattractive college girls. And there're beads. It's also rumored that Annie Potts plans to gorge herself on spooch, bio back-spatter pancakes, and Spermarang Surprise from today all the way through Lent. The seminal Atkins Diet, so to speak. All this, however, doesn't mean SHIT. What DOES mean SHIT is what's in my mouth right now. Guess:

A) The two golden labs that live in the back yard of the house on the corner and wag their tails when I drive by and wave to them
B) Hot buttermilk sprayed from Annie Potts's floppy funbags
C) Spongy chunks of bitten-off ass-flesh from a dead man's crack
D) The vague feeling that there may be no more lines to cross, and that this site may have offended everyone it can
E) A hood ornament
F) The dreaded words, "My woung--my woung ich kaup ih yor wing."
G) More Boyz n the Hood
H) A big, fat cock effervescing with buttery white wine


GWiMMRN, The Dairy Potential of Annie Potts Edition

I didn't start this thing with Annie Potts, people.


A) The huge dairy potential of Annie Potts.
B) Passenger-side fun-bags that come standard in the new Hummer.
C) Riots in China and India over Yahoo making fun of the Buddha.
D) My hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roids, which feel like microwaved pop-rocks candy moshing in my anus.
E) Annie Potts and a Hummer.
F) Shark! Shark!
G) A big, fat cock in Annie Potts' covered bridge, if you know what I mean.

GWiMMRN, BIG Hem-Uh-Ruh-Ruh-Roid Monday Edition

Hopefully, you've all recovered from an entire weekend of thinking about nothing other than my mouth, and are ready for a brand spanking new week of thinking about my mouth and nothing else. Not clear? Then puzzle it the fuck out. GWiMMRN:

A) A hot, painful rectal vein extruded from the side of your anus like a knuckle
B) A series of wet, sweet farts
C) Toilet humor
D) The Bush Doctrine, which when boiled down to its most basic elements means that you suck it first
E) You, yes you, sucking it first
F) A heartfelt apology to Annie Potts, whose escapades with a large equine mammal should never have become grist for this sickening mill
G) A great big taint punch to the entire Lifetime Network
H) A bruised uterus served in a glass of hot spit
I) A big, fat, ropy-veined cOck


GWiMMRN, Lick My Shiny Adam's Apple You Motown Whore Edition

I'm not fooling around here.


A) A series of dry, sour farts.
B) Guacamole and Spinach Dip, two great tastes that give you gas.
C) A box marked FRAGILE, which must mean that the contents inside are of Italian origin.
D) Pain, misery, and hopelessness wrapped up in a bowel rumbling, spritzing, sulfuric acid smelling ripple fart that grabs on with both hands and refuses to leave for, oh, about 3 and a half minutes.
E) Japan.
F) Forensics, forensics, everywhere you look, forensics.
G) A fart so dastardly it makes you sick just thinking it was actually inside you at some point, living with your more healthy bodily fluids like sperm and gastric acids.
H) A three-way teleconference with my lips, my teeth, and my toungue.
I) A three-way teleconference with my balls, my cock, and your mouth.

The answer is definitely not J) This picture from the yahoo.com webmail portal that viciously makes fun of Chinese people:

GWiMMRN, Allah Only Sucks a Little Cock on Sundays Edition

I trust that everyone's having a great Lord's Day? Excellent. I also trust that you've been FOCUSING on my mouth and its contents all week long? Spiffy! I love Sundays. LOVE 'EM. You know why, I bet. GWiMMRN:

A) A really big, life-affirming dump that unfortunately resulted in a hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid that feels like a red-hot penny stuck to the side of my asshole
B) Jordan's little broken heart, to go with her little yeast infection
C) A big loaf of sourdough bread, baked in a warm, moist little oven
D) Spermarang Surprise
F) Betty Ford, the only First Lady in American history to have perfected the trick of not only unwrapping and chewing a wad of watermellon bubblisious (sic) with her snatch, but can also blow pretty impressive bubbles with it
G) *pop*
H) A big, fat watermellon (sic) cock