GWiMMRN, Jism Quiche Edition

Sometimes, you just have to take those droplets of sperm in an empty pie tin and make quiche, you know? So, I'm going to take mercy on you, and present a general amnesty for every one of you non-FOCUSING, non-GUESSINGWHAT'SINMYMOUTHRIGHTNOW motherfuckers. Redemption is just one guess away:

A) A collection of sweaty, dirty "footies" used to keep bare feet from touching the merchandise at DSW
B) The high-pitched titter that girl at the bar uttered when telling me in her naughtiest tone of voice that she had a tattoo in a "private place"
C) The grease-spot her face left on the side of the dumpster after I fucked her against it behind the bar, all the while staring at the stupid Chinese ideogram tattooed on the base of her spine
D) A Chinese ideogram that means, "AIM HERE"
E) Lay's fat-free potato chips, which are actually pretty damn tasty
F) Jelly doughnut and french fry cravings
G) A diet of mostly bread and cheese that apparently won't nourish a baby bird
H) A big, fat tattooed cock

GWiMMRN, God HIMSELF Canceled the Little Birdy's Account Edition

The little birdy died for your sins. However, it has been resurrected in a glorious new form, so you may now rejoice joyfully. While you oblige the little birdy, see if you can guess what's im mouth r now:

A) Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN's endless faux-outrage
B) A happy impala with a freshly-wibbled knob
C) The French expression "tant pis," which means, "Can't be helped."
D) Edvard Munch's The Scream, as performed by a French breakfast radish:





E) A big, fat munchy cock

GWiMMRN, Droplet of Sperm in an Empty Pie Tin Edition

I spend all day putting things in my mouth. You know this. You also know that in order to be Saved, you have to guess what's in my mouth right now. You also know that the End of the World is upon us because of your incessant lack of focusing.

And yet, there you sit, insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, doing something you know you shouldn't do. And who are the ones who comment on this site? A host of ridiculous characters, all whining about something I said, or clarifying their ridiculous positions on matters that are as insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, that's who. A dog that had to be trained how to take a shit? Deroy Murdock, who claims to be the "Patron Saint of GWiMMRN" and demands that we grow up? A talking Mexican version of an English french fry sandwich? Are you kidding me? Not one of these characters bother to GWiMMRN. NOT ONE. And here they are, wasting my time.

Well, world, here's another chance for you. DON'T BLOW IT.

GWiMMRN:

A) A frilly frock.
B) The Fraggle Rock theme song.
C) Fluffernutters.
D) Fluffers.
E) The tail-light of a 1972 Mustang convertible.
F) Tara Reid's long, slow slide into irrelevance.
G) Possibly the worst, most unfunny movie of all time, featuring a horribly unfunny actress.
H) The probability of you getting a promotion at work after your employer finds out that you visited this disgusting website.
I) An ostrich's big, fat, mean-spirited cock.

GWiMMRN, Cancel the Account Edition

Unlike AOL, I won't give in to stupid things like what YOU want. No. My mouth is PARAMOUNT, UNIVERSAL, and FOX-y. Now, GWiMMRN:

A) Cancel the account. Cancel the Account. Cancel. The. Account.
B) Your account.
C) Your supervisor.
D) A moldy head of lettuce with greenish blackish slime all over it.
E) The best Godzilla Fan Fiction Megasite ever.
F) The best big, fat cock ever.

UPDATE: Cancel. The. Account

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer may now be G) Captain Fruit and his Fruity Bike, fruitin' it up down a busy street.

GWiMMRN, Resurrected Little Birdy Edition

The miracle of Easter comes more than once a year, apparently. To celebrate, GWiMMRN:

A) The dead little birdy's big, fat cock, which has somehow pumped life back into the little birdy, but the thing now looks like a large, feathered penis with a beak
B) The utter horror of finding a large, feathered penis trying to force its way between your lips in your sleep
C) A Rice Bowl: when you find little grains of undigested rice in your stool the morning after a meal of brown rice
D) The two fateful words every little bird learns to say
E) A co-worker who has raised standing around with his thumb up his ass to an art form worthy of performance in the Louvre
F) A great big soul kiss from your mystery date for the evening: this surprised looking turd
G) A small blob of chewed Watermellon Bubblisious (sic) I found under the desk
H) A big, fat cock

GWiMMRN, Dead Little Birdy Edition

See if you sheep-shearers can guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A dead little bird.
B) A dead little bird.
C) A dead little bird.
D) The horror of finding the little bird dead in his cage this morning.
E) A dead little bird.
F) A dead little bird.
G) A dead little bird.
H) The DIAGNOSIS: The little bird's big, fat cock was too large. It cut off the circulation to his brain. At least, that's what I comfort myself with.

UPDATE: Dead little birdy.

GWiMMRN, Little Birdy Edition

Cheep cheep! The little bird says "Suck it." YOU MUST OBLIGE.

Now, after OBLIGING, GWiMMRN:

A) The little bird my wife and I saved from a cat.
B) The fact that when I saw the scene of a cat torturing that little bird, I thought, "That's a shame" and I rooted for the cat.
C) Del Monte baby food served through an eye-dropper.
D) The incredible amount of baby food a little bird will consume.
E) The incredible amount of baby bird poop a baby bird will poop.
F) The stick, which is taped to a bar stool, that the little bird is perched upon in order to simulate the "tree experience."
G) My finger, which the little bird sits upon for his daily flying lessons (See, while the little bird is perched there, you wave your hand up and down, so the little birdie stretches his wings in a flying motion trying to hang on. This, supposedly, teaches him to use his wings).
H) The little birdy's enormously huge big, fat cock, which must've acted like an anchor that pulled him from his nest in the first place.

GWiMMRN, Fat Ass in Too-Tight Jeans on Sunday Edition

I've seen it: the fat ass. The denim trousers that threaten to cut off the circulation. It's all bad. Have some pride, bitch. Nobody needs to see that. Guess, sweetheart, what's in my mouth right now. This edition's for the ladies:

A) The song, "Fat man shittin' on a little stool, takes the money from my hand while his dick takes a rub all over you...leans in real close...whispers 'good fuck'..."
B) A big Hebrew National hot dog with mustard, nestled into a nice hot roll
C) Something G.DiL. doesn't want you to read
D) Soft, smelly chunks of things with frosting
E) The horribly soiled Depends of the celebrity wedding dress-hungry brides-to-be after the 25th hour of Last Bride Standing
F) A horribly soiled big, fat cock