...3...2...1! GWiMMRN!

Saddle up!


A) All the tears shed during all the movies ever made
B) A freshly-wibbled knob
C) Tustin, California
D) A hot gob of green snot, not mine
E) Three wet shit cream pies, mine
F) The Merovingian
G) A mingy little teenage snatch, mine
I) A big, fat cock



Saint Patrick Can Wibble My Knob

Hunker down!


A) The confirmed suicide of Shifty McPenis.
B) A mournful wail across all of Ireland, right before they drink their green fucking beer the rest of the day.
C) A leprechaun.
D) The Greeting Card War between Saint Valentine, Saint Patrick, and Saint Nicholas.
E) A beautiful selection of greeting cards for Ramadan.
F) Flowers for Algernon.
G) Mice!
H) Saint Cannoli Day, my nomination for the St. Patty's Day for Italians.
I) Saint Big, Fat Cock Day.

UPDATE: The answer may now be J) What my boss screamed at us after lunch today: "I want a gonad-grabbing conclusion from you before 5 p.m. today or NO BONUSES FOR ANYONE. HEAR ME, you St. Patty's day fuckholes? Huh?!? I PISSED in the green coffee I served you all this morning! WIBBLE MY KNOB, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!"



Guess what's in my mouth right now, silly!


A) Green beer for this stupid fucking St. Patrick's day holiday that nobody gives a shit about except the Irish and Irish wannabes, and who the fuck would WANT to be Irish is the question I'm asking, and why don't the goddamn Italians have a holiday all their own, I mean at least they have good food and things you want to eat instead of corned beef and cabbage which really makes me want to fucking vomit you know with the stink all in my fucking kitchen and it permeates the house, you dig, and you just know all the bars are gonna be all full up with drunken Irishmen wannabe shitbags all slobbery and wearing fucking GREEN and drinking GREEN fucking BEER like it's a big party instead of a big fat fucking cock unraveling right into everyone's sweaty drunken face
B) A momentary fugue state
C) A David Mamet movie, look, look it's- it's a David Mamet movie, a David Mamet movie, yeah
D) The collection of broads I've been making say things such as, "Tongue my shitty squeakhole" and "Go down on Lake Vajisnatch when the moon is red" and "Cunts tits chains and whips lick my clit you nasty slit"
E) A momentary burst of surprise when the one girl pronounced "Vajisnatch" properly
F) Puerile, juvenile jokes involving bathroom functions, oral copulation, and other inappropriate things
G) Natalie Portman's bald head that I just want to lick over and over and over again
H) A tongue rasping along stubble
I) A big, fat Italian cock because the Irish can GO FUCK THEMSELVES


Yo Ho Ho!

Reminder: You left the stove on this morning. TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFFFF!

Back already? Good. Now, GWiMMRN:

A) Boiled dog nuts.
B) Liv Tyler, the Whore of Pearl Harbor.
C) Rubbings.
D) Monkey Butt.
E) The collected jism from 15 men finishing on a dead man's chest.
F) That I can't look at the term "finishing" and NOT think of the bio-spray completion at the end of a sexual act.
G) The shame I feel for kissing you with my eyes closed so tightly.
H) The shameful, big, fat cock.

UPDATE: The answer may now be I) Shifty McPenis' apparent suicide. You can mourn your loss by guessing what's in my mouth right now. Go on. Mourn.

GWiMMRN, Feed Salad to My Spurting Turtles Edition

The cat scrotum may have been over the top, I'll admit that. However, if you don't examine the depths, you'll never experience the heights. With that little piece of Jerry Springer-esque advice, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Vagi-Crisps, the new snack made of drops of female secretions allowed to dry on hot pans until they reach a potato chip-like consistency
B) A bulbous, purply HEAD
C) Elizabeth Peña's bendy li'l nose, all cute and pert
D) Misogyny, Misandry, and Misanthropism
E) The famous French artiste Pierre Cuntsnot (pronounced "cunts-NOH")
F) A big, fat cock


Relentless Normalcy

Correct! Nothing is sacred! GWiMMRN!

A) The line, "Oi think Oi'll crawl under a rock and doie," said by a lonely, depressed leprechaun.
B) JORDAN, who recently changed her blogger template.
C) Former President William Henry Taft in all his puffy goodness.
E) The gambs of a Navajo.
F) A big, fat, scalped cock.

UPDATE: It could now be G) This beautiful, half nekkid squaw.

The Relentlessosity Continues...

I go on. I put things. Into my mouth. And you guess what they may be. Easy. Go for it:

A) Lexan
B) The fact that, if you can believe it, I'm the only grown-up at my workplace. Me. How fucked up is that?
C) The sculpture I've been building for decades out of the poppy seeds rescued from my own shit and any small furry animals I can catch, glued together with the stolen pubic fat of martyrs
D) A buried penis
F) The rest of the cat, sans his furry cat balls
G) The acronym "IMHO," standing for "I'm Massively Horny, Ohyeah"


What a Winner!

Indeed! Everything that I stuff in my mouth is a winner! You couldn't swing a dead cat in my mouth without hitting a winner. No doubt!

Now, direct your anonymous energies to something more useful than dimissing obvious genius and GWiMMRN:

A) A juvenile defense of a juvenile website that was recently criticized by a juvenile.
B) A bout o' depression.
C) A modest refusal.
D) The real walnuts.
E) Bureaucracy, in it's full, fecal-filled original French conception of it.
F) Slander. Lies. Defecation.
G) Big. Fat. Cock.


I know that this website is titled "Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now," but I'm so busy stuffing stuff into my mouth at the moment that I don't have time to post. So, here's guest poster and guest mouth Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts:

Mrow. Howdy, folks. Guess what's in my little cat mouth right now:

A) My walnut-sized testicles
B) My walnut-sized testicles
C) My walnut-sized testicles
D) My walnut-sized testicles
E) My walnut-sized testicles
F) My walnut-sized testicles
G) A mouse
H) Meow Mix

Thank you for the opportunity.


Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts


312th Relentless Mouthable

Regular readers may get the impression that time is speeding up, for this is the 312th relentless mouthable. Are there not 365 days in a year? Has it been almost a year already? Wouldn't this make today Thanksgiving? No, no no, you silly sperm burps! I post several times a day on the goings-on in my mouth. If you do the math, folks, that's 312 relentless mouthables in a few months time. Time may SEEM to speed up because you're having SO MUCH FUN guessing what's in my mouth right now!

See, it all works out in the end.


A) A series of dick jokes mascarading as a website.
B) Publisher's Clearing House Sweepsteaks.
C) A ticker-tape parade for my putz.
D) The implications. ooo.
E) A pile of steaming dog turds left on saTURDay.
F) The stuff that shoots out of my dick on WEDNESDAY.
G) The horrible, sinking feeling that if you google "big, fat cock" this website will be number one on the list.
H) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Walnut-Sized Testicles Edition

This edition of GWiMMRN goes out to Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts:

A) A cute, furry ballsack
B) A thick, disgusting COMBO milkshake made from Mr. Nutty McFroot-Loop's protein drink and Spermy McBurp's greasy green shake in honor of the upCOMING St. Patrick's Day HOLIDAY
C) Madame Slitoris, the famous Hungarian fortune-teller that can divine the future by reading the bumps on my penis
D) The FACT that you can't spell "Saturday" without typing the word "turd"
E) The constellation of red, oily zits and sweaty black hairs dotting the back and shoulders of this surprised looking turd
F) Unpeeled banana boobs
G) The kind of hard, nuggety shit in your asshole that is backed up by a half-liter of wet, loose feces, which is in turn under pressure from several liters of methane gas, so if/when you release said nugget, you run the risk of splattering the bowl, your ass, and pretty much the rest of the bathroom if there's the slightest gap between your skin and the toilet seat
H) A big, fat cock



Don't try to sell me something. YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE.


A) Chin-ups.
B) Fruit Roll-Ups.
C) Beef Roll-Ups.
D) The song, "Whoop that Trick!"
E) The Oscar for the song, "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp."
F) Slanina (that's right folks... it's a loooong slab of pork you're looking at).
G) A looooong slab of big, faaaaat cock.

GWiMMRN, On Sunday, We All Get BJ's from Jesus Christ Himself Edition

No more messing around. GWiMMRN:

A) My wallet, which I left in El Segundo (and I got to get it, got got to get it)
B) My Sinus Problem
C) My Left Breast
D) My Left Nut
E) Horse Penis and Testicles with a Chilli (sic) Dip
F) The food you must eat, and then wait for to go down
G) The big rat's greasy gray cock
H) Dr. Rectumface Dookytastur's warm stethoscope
I) A big, fat rat cock (not the same as in G))