Saturday! It's Saturday! Innnnn...MY MOUTH!

Don't think, just GWiMMRN:

A) A fresh, juicy clementine, peeled and sectioned just for you
B) One of those compressed cakes of cat piss and "clumping" litter, with a dollop of whipped cream on top, served to a blind man as a cruel dessert
C) *crunch crunch* OH MY GOD
D) Penn, without Teller
E) A paper cut and a yellow tongue from having licked all those envelopes for the "Paris Hilton's Stained Panties for President" email campaign
F) Chunky penis butter
G) A big, fat, blind cock

Slop Me Some Gunk, Ms. Hot-Pants!

An' git on over heah an' give mah mouth some shugah.

G'on. Guess.

'Cause people who guess what's in my mouth right now also bought:

A) Ditch digging pants.
B) A racially insensitive cross-selling system.
C) BACTERIA!
D) A sh-sh-sh-shuff-fuh-fuhl-llll!ll!-ling wuh-wuh-walk.
E) Sweaty cheddar cheese.
F) Aluminum siding.
G) Cock, size L.

Yet Another Awesome Friday in My Mouth!

Once again, you're about to witness the miracle of my mouth and what may be in there. Just remember to focus properly. FOCUS on my mouth. If there was anything more important than my mouth and its contents, it would've become God already. You know what to do: guess.

A) A tweeting pillow all cold and moist from Kristanna Loken's secretions
B) Several baby teeth, not mine
C) My own elbow covered with SNATCH gravy, OH YEAH
D) The missing "e" from "gravy" which, if added, would turn it into "gravey"
E) A St. Bernard-sized fallopian tube
F) Some jumbo-sized Milk-Bones used in a misguided attempt to lure the gigantic fallopian tube out of there
G) A jelly doughnut
H) A St. Bernard's big, fat cock

Great Caesar's RECTUM! It's Another Edition of GWiMMRN!

It's a THIRD relentless mouthable for you lucky folks! In one day! How fucklucky is that? Make sure you play by the rules now: guess. What's in my mouth. Right now.

A) Crispy elephant ears
B) The Book of Job with all the pages stuck together from Eugene's adorable little loads
C) Michele's new icon, selected because someone took the old one and made a horrible mockery out of it
D) A frosty paws sundae with ham shit sauce
E) Kristanna Loken's forbidden fantasy (imagine what would happen if you were to place a small firecracker inside a raw oyster smeared with hot turkey gravy and lit it)
F) This endlessly-crying little asshole's trip to Europe
G) Kristanna Loken's big, fat, Terminatrix cock

My Mouth is Open All Night!

I got your green eggs and ham right here, porkbarrel.

Quik! GuessWhat'sinMyMouthRightNow!

A) Home Made Lip Gloss.
B) Home Made Mascara.
C) Home Made Soap.
D) Hand Made Hot Dog Buns.
E) DOG FECES.
F) Home Made Pepsi Flavored Spooge Freshly Squeezed Out of a Big, Fat Cock.

Lips, Teeth and Tongue: It's a Thursday in My Mouth

Check it out! It's my mouth! On a Thursday! With things in it! Guess! What I've put! In there! Right now!

A) My lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps
B) The oft-heard civics course quote, "I've had bowel movements with more character." --Honest Abe Lincoln, talking about convicted murderer Scott Petersen
C) All that junk inside yo' trunk
D) A medium-sized cucumber formerly used by Geena Davis and Sabine Ehrenfeld to make "the beast with two backs"
E) Vampire tea (a used maxi pad dunked into a mug of hot water so it steeps for seven minutes and makes a nice hot drink)
F) Ear wax confetti, thrown at weddings and other special occasions
G) *pick pick* HOORAY! *flick flick* CONGRATULATIONS!
H) Eugene's mystifying popularity, because even in the age of the Internet, it's pretty mystifying that people would want to read awful poetry about a strange man's testicles
I) A big, fat cock submerged in a warm, moist bowl of black-eyed peas

They Don't Call it a Cock for Nothing

Hey there! Glad to see you! Haven't seen you in a while, see? Been selling sea shells by the sea shore? Have you? Huh? Aren't you going to answer me? Well? I'm waiting here like a jackass for you to answer me. So that's it. You're not going to answer me. Is that it? Huh? You're not going to answer me? Fine. Just. Just fine. Don't answer me. I had a very nice question about sea shore based enterprises and the entrepreneurial spirit and you don't think I warrant an answer. That's just great. Thanks for nothing.

GWiMMRN.

A) Sea shells by the sea shore.
B) A link that Michelle won't bother to look at.
C) Rudolph the Red Nose Bicycle's Low Hanging Jubbblies.
D) Quikrete.
E) Crete.
F) Half a nose.
G) Half a big, fat muthafukkin' cock.

It's tha Muthafukkin' BUMP Day!

Check it, yo! It's the Bump Day, ya'll! Ya'll gone guess what be in mah moufus right now, yo:

A) The nose of a 49 year old South African woman, bravely rescued from the maw of a vicious but cuddly seal
B) The Rice Krispies crackle of her nasal cartilage *crunch crunch*
C) Aunt Ginny's pair of Depends after she took an angry, hot, wet shit in them over not receiving a Christmas card this year from her favorite nephew
D) lola's ipod, all moist and sticky with...secretions
E) The Canadian software company called Delrina (rhymes with loose, floppy vagina) that sells programs that go, "G'day, eh" and provide images of french fries & gravy
F) French fries & baby gravy
G) A big, fat hip-hop cock with bling bling

I'm Drooling! I'm Drooling!

Yes! Happy Mouth Year! Another year for my mouth to inhale the void that is yours, mines, and ours' lifes!

GuessWinMMouthRNow!

A) Spitcake!
B) A variety of domesticated animal hair.
C) Pukerrific good times at 2 a.m. January 1, 2006.
D) Nuns Having Fun wall calendar 2006, which just happens to be the best thing you'll ever shove up your anus this year.
E) An unsent Xmas card.
F) Lord North'stwo tons of belly-button lint, extracted just before his Speech to Parliament.
G) A big, fat cock, which should be on everybody's "Things to Suck Today" list.

It's Tuesday? ALREADY?!

Holy shit! You know what that means? That means I get to put things into my mouth! Hurry up! Guess:

A) The sweaty sombrero belonging to Señor Pedro Fuck Knuckles, the famous Hispanic soprano impresario
B) Menstruating Whale Snatch, the nickname we used to give this nun that would come around trolling for airplane glue to sniff
C) Sheppy's unpublished book with all the pages stuck together with his dried-up man-custard
D) This guy's latest pair of tighty-whiteys after gobbling his way through a boxcar full of Ex-Lax to get to a beaker of Metamucil cut with ground-up Correctol
E) The song he hummed whilst gobbling ("I want to eat right to Big Skidmark Avenue...and I can take a big dump.") (Sing it to the tune of "Electric Avenue" in a very deep Eddy Grant accent)
F) The FACT that you haven't sung the song out loud like I just fuckin' asked you to
G) A used maxi-pad bitten right in half, to share
H) This guy's big, faaaaaaat...COCK!

First Monday of GWiMMRN 2006 Edition

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays...but it's all good, because it's a Monday in my mouth, for Christ's little cock's sake! I'll bet you didn't know that Jesus had a very small wang. He did. It's why He was crucified. Truths about Jesus aside, let's guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Eugene's abortive attempt to become a gigolo
B) The abortion Eugene's wife recently got, with placenta sauce
C) The FACT that I've really crossed the line with B)
D) Chocolate-covered weasel penises
E) Rudolph the red-nosed bicycle
F) A Valentine's Day present woven from Angela Lansbury's pubic hair
G) A pork fat enema
H) A big, fat, carob-covered weasel penis

UPDATE: Say it with me: weaselpenis weaselpenis weaselpenis weaselpenis! It's fun.

Ring in the New Year with 365 More Days of GWiMMRN!

The thought of yet another year filled with putting things in my mouth is enough to give my tongue a boner! It's simply amazing! It's fantastic! There's nothing quite like it. I've decided to declare a temporary amnesty for that cock-gobbling cum-gurgler Sheppy, in honor of the new year.

To celebrate this moment, I've decided to put some of the older things in my mouth from 2005, as a kind of oral retrospective. I'll also be adding something new! Guess what the new thing is, and you yourself may be featured in a future edition of GWiMMRN! Isn't that great?

A) A weird dent
B) A moist towelette
C) A hand-made hot dog bun
D) A ketchup and mustard homeless hoagie
E) Urine and Listerine multitask spectacular
F) A BLT
G) This whole cunt-lapping society, all of it, sans vaginal spray
H) Pamela Anderson's prehensile clitoris
I) Sheppy's substandard little dingus (AMNESTY'S OVER, FUCKCHOP)