Sacrifice ALL for My Mouth, and Be Saved!

The one word of truth can be found in my mouth. My mouth is the way to Salvation. I mean that, you know. It's not megalomania. Believe me. To find this truth, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The Mouthettes, all of 'em except the blonde one
B) The adorable little ass hairs near Harrison Ford's starfish that just trill whenever he growls something, which is all the time
C) The horrible, crusty bottom of the Litter Maid, comprised of cat piss, feces, mostly disintegrated "clumping" litter granules, and maple syrup
D) A mosque clock that goes, "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" twice a day really loudly and scares the shit out of the cats
E) Every sick fuck that whacked his peepee to countdown websites announcing when Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins would become "legal;" I mean, come on man, get a fucking life already
F) Harrison Ford's big, fat cock


My Mouth is Going for the Gold

Say cheese! We made it to the end of the week! TGIGWiMMRNF!

A) A mysterious note.
B) What my wife said after seeing frozen vomit on the sidewalk in front of our house: "Don't worry, the birds will eat it. And the racoons."
C) *blorp*
D) *hee hee*
E) A fresh slice of really crusty bread.
F) A pat of butter, and a sprinkling of salt.
G) A feces stained Bronze Medal.
H) A piss stained Silver Medal.
I) A jism stained Gold Medal.
J) A Gold Medal winning, big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, 260th Relentless Mouthable

Nobody thought I'd make it this far, you know. They all mocked me for not only putting everything I could think of in my mouth, but also providing the general public with an up-to-date report of what may or may not be in there. It's amazing. I feel like Neil Armstrong. I'm that important.

Unfortunately, you yourself aren't that important, but it's okay. You can partake of my goodness by GUESSING JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS IN MY MOUTH RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, OKAY?

A) The Winter Olympics
B) A female gymnast's leotard, salty-sweet with her pubescent juices
C) A bite for the hand feeding me
D) A hot bowl of Chunky Clam Chowder, steaming and white with tender chunks of real clams and raccoon vaginas in a rich biological broth
E) Eugene, while he plays plays with with his his balls balls
F) * *
G) A yellow icicle I bit off the end of the dead guy's dick I found hanging on the overpass with his pants around his knees
H) Fifteen men on a dead guy's dick
I) A big, fat rummy cock


Quick! GWiMMRN!

There's no time to lose!

A) Shock the Monkey (penis).
B) A penis that claims to be the CEO of your wife's cunt.
C) *sigh* despair.
D) *spurt* CHEER!
E) A dead body. Wanna see a dead body? 'Cause it might be in my mouth right now. It should have been you, Gordon.
F) A shovel full of Circus elephant poop, but at least I'm in showbiz!
G) T-Boz.
H) A big, fat, dowloaded turtle cock, maginified 100X so you can see just how purple it is.

Oh, GOD. Another Fucking Thursday.

How can you bear it? The crushing sameness of every day, a life filled with Hobson's Choices, a living death that only suicide can end? By guessing what's in my mouth right now, of course!

A) The immortal words, "MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY."
B) A little tricorne captain's hat for my penis
C) Cap'n Crunch, just before he was stomped to death by a bunch of smiling children:

D) Eugene's loudly-protesting turtle (the man, not his new dog)
F) The kind of person that would do this
G) *zzzzzzzap* Eee ee ee! *spurt*
H) A piece of fruit as a reward
I) A spate of wholly inappropriate giggles that will get me fired any day now
J) A big, fat, TURTLE COCK


Aye Aye, My Mouth Be Yer Only Friend

'Tis true, me mateys. I am your only friend in this world. I love and protect you. I give you the comfort of My Mouth on a daily, daily basis. And I ask so little of you. All I ask is for you to guess what's in my mouth right now. It's not even a command. It's yet ANOTHER opportunity, a service I provide for YOU.


A) A hocked up loogie.
B) Grime from underneathe your stove. Yes, YOUR stove.
C) Your hopes n' dreams.
D) That little puppy in the window.
E) A 10 speed Huffy Bike.
F) Pot thtickerth.
G) The gluey stuff what comes out of Mariah Carey's snatch.
H) The supergluey stuff what comes out of a big, fat cock.

UPDATE: It is not I) A telegram from Sheppy that reads, "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP"

To Get Over The Bump Day, Just GWiMMRN

You'll never get through today if you don't guess what's in my mouth right now, let alone reach that lofty place of true self-actualization the philosophers speak of. You owe it to yourself to guess. So do it. Don't be a HOMO.

A) A pair of bloody dentures I punched out of that old guy's mouth when he tried to greet me at Wal-Mart
B) Eugene's daily testicular affirmation
C) The Mona Lisa with its mouth cut out and a chunk of warm calf's liver put in its place so I can make whoopee with a priceless piece of art
E) Shifty McPenis's latest loot
F) Another HOMO
G) Burrrrrrrrrrgerrrrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnnnnng (with HOMOS)
H) A big, fat HOMO cock


GWiMMRN, We REALLY Love Balls on Tuesdays Edition

If you've had your fill of purple nurples, titty twisters, and freshly-pinched testicles, just take a quick trip to the vomitorium, because it's time to guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Fried Stillbirth with Dog Sauce
B) The wet, sloppy turds of this surprised looking turd (no, it's not Mother Teresa)
C) A freshly sucked-on ball, mashed with a ball-peen hammer on an 8-ball during the Policeman's Ball where they had a ball while the Chief balled his wife who works for Ball Aerospace
D) The recurring dream I've had 78 nights running where I ram my hand up Katie Couric's anus so far that I'm able to repurpose her into a kind of fleshy sock puppet and make her say, "TOUCHDOWN!!" and then have her bite the head off of Sheppy's substandard little whanger
E) Sheppy's substandard little whanger, surmounting a pair of anemic, raisin-sized testes
F) The boss, who just a moment ago peered into my office as if he was going to ask a question, but then walked away, to my considerable relief
G) Hot buttered matzah, sans Jean Smart's sweet, slightly hairy taint
H) The sour, hair-choked, rugose taint of this surprised looking turd (no, it's not Mother Teresa, what do you think I am, sick?)
I) A big, fat cock and balls

GWiMMRN, The Factual Equivalent of a Titty-Twister

Purple nurples for all!


A) Wet willies.
B) Indian burns.
C) Cry uncle!
D) A testicle, freshly pinched.
E) Cheeks, not mine.
F) A full anal penetration by Bagheera.
G) A... a.... FINGER! *blorp*
H) Oh no! It's a big, fat cock!

A Hard-Hitting, Cock-Slapping Tuesday Edition of Your Favorite Website

You know you put this site on your Favorites list, but you're too embarrassed to admit it. It's okay. As a fellow traveler in my mouth's adventures, you still have my love. Well, maybe not love. More like mild affection...wait. Scratch that. You're a sick fuck. Sorry, but it's true. I'm willing to overlook that if you guess what's in my mouth right now, however:

A) A bunch of woman-killing crybaby fucks that even this guy thinks are contemptible, whining pussies
B) A full anal penetration by Shakira
C) The most unappetizing big brown boob you ever saw
D) The little kitty's fluffy anus
E) A hot semen balloon, just before it was thrown at this surprised looking turd
F) Spogurt, a low-fat snack consisting of curdled spooge and tasty chunks of boiled dog foreskins
G) A big, fat cock from a nice, early days, pre-jixed chap


GWiMMRN, Chocolate Douche Edition

Heeeeeeyyyy. Heeeeyyyy theeeeerrrre. Iiiiiiiii'mmmmmm ssssslllllooowwwwllllyyyy ssssucking mmmmmyyyyyy oooowwwwnnnn bbbbaaaallllssss.


A) Mmmmmyyyyyy oooowwwwnnnn bbbbaaaallllssss.
B) Vinegar.
C) Fruit-flavoured water, because water-flavoured water sucks my balls.
D) Orphans.
E) Cum on a Saltine Cracker.
F) One pound sterling.
G) One big, pound cock.

UPDATE: Imagine the possibilities.

GWiMMRN, The Unbearable Lightness of Being IN MY MOUTH Edition

Some people are afraid of my mouth. Some are confused. Some are excited. Some...aroused. Which are you?

While pondering the question, guess wi my mr now:

A) The three hours of sleep I got last night
B) Swedish meatballs (don't tell me you don't know what that white liquid is all over them because you do, OH YEAH)
C) The several times I said, "My balls aren't orphans" and giggled to myself while making sweet-and-sour meatballs for the Superbowl yesterday
D) GUEST OPTION WRITTEN BY MUHAMMAD ALI: Muh-muh-m-m-m-muhh-m-m-my buh-buh-buhhh-balls uh-uh-uhhh-are- OH SHUT THE FUCK UP, CASSIUS, YOU MUMBLING, STUTTERING PRICK
E) That greenish orange thing I found up that homeless guy's asshole that time, remember?
F) Oh God! You Devil
G) George Burns's big, fat cock repurposed as an Upmanns cigar


GWiMMRN, the Unbelievable Stamina Edition

I've got STAYING POWER. That's right, my chicken-fried tiger poop friends, I'm still doing the same ol' SCHTICK 'cause I've got stamina. You can always count on me to be here, apprising you of the sundry articles that I stuff in my mouth, day after day after day after day.

So, might as well, kick back, grab your genitalia, and GWiMMRN:

A) A great deal more of those delicious Chicken-Fried Tiger Poop Bars, by Kellog's.
B) Smokie the Bear Cock, who reminds you that ONLY YOU can suck his smokey dick.

C) Hand-towels.
D) The phrase, "Hey Rabbit, does fire stick to your fur?"
F) A big, fat, Smokie the Cock Bear kinda cock.

Sunday Cock LO MEIN Edition of GWiMMRN

Because there's no such thing as Hi Mein in my mouth:

A) A rather intemperate comment
B) All the inedible, disgusting food at Black-Eyed Pea, where they've got the recipe (for Dogshit Surprise, the "surprise" being that everything you get there tastes like "dogshit")
C) A big pair of used pantyhose with a bloodstained maxi-pad pasted to the front, worn over my jeans to church
D) Chicken-fried tiger poop
E) Tiger's Milk bars, 28.5 of them
F) A tiger's nipple
G) """""""""""""""""""""
H) The big, fat cock of an HR Director