GWiMMRN, If I Have to Work on Saturday, You Can All Suck My Dick Edition

Workin' and jerkin' on a Saturday, that's me. While you're sucking my dick, try to guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Insults and disrespect for all of my readers
B) Sabine Ehrenfeld's cryogenically frozen left labia majora
C) That time where I told Paris Hilton a joke whilst she was fellating Larry "Bud" Melman and she laughed so hard that sperm shot out of her nose
D) Larry "Bud" Melman's short, high-pitched little bark at orgasm, sounding like a chihuaha that had just been snapped in the balls with a two-foot-long rubber band
E) A fried smegmada and bacon sandwich
F) The End of My Affair
G) A big, fat, Melmanesque cock




A) Donkey pastrami.
B) Eye boogers, not mine.
C) Chaff, the Bouncy Foreskin.
D) Slippage.
E) Seepage.
F) Chili con carne de matador.
G) A big, fat, carne asada cock.

Update: Suck on my turtle.

GWiMMRN, Nibble My Nutsack Friday Edition

I have other body parts too, you know. Not just a mouth. Even so, it's my mouth that's what's important. This website isn't called "Guess What Shot Out of My Dick a Little While Ago" for a reason. We're not talking about what's coming out, but what's going in. I hope we understand each other. Now guess what's in my mouth right now, while it's still in there:

A) Katie Couric's horribly rugose taint, smothered in cold creamed corn
B) A pair of wet swim trunks that are just chafing your inner thighs so much that you want to just strip them right off and walk around bare-assed to escape the discomfort
C) A pig's ear dog treat
D) A pig's penis cat treat
E) A poke in the eye with a sharp stick
F) Three marmite banana split sundaes, eaten one after the other
G) Three marmoset nipples, eaten all at once
H) A big, fat marmoset cock


GWiMMRN, Extra-Heavy Whipping Cream Edition

Welcome to a particularly fluffy edition of GWiMMRN:

A) Economics.
B) Oars n' Paddles.
C) A creek full of SHIT, i.e. Shit's Creek.
D) Kooper's Watershed.
E) The fluffy little kitty.
F) A super-horny Maxim girl who's just...just...so ready to..to...GO...unghunghungh.
G) Self-loathing that I write about my id like I'm recounting a trip to the grocery store.
H) A buh-buh-buh BIGFATCOCK.

Oooo, You Mother-Bitch! Have You Guessed What's in My Mouth Right Now?

Have you, punk? You better do it now, if you haven't:

A) A nice dinner cooked by Eugene (the man, not the dog)
B) That loaf of Wonder bread I fucked one lonely night
C) The illicit pleasure you'd feel if you saw an Asian broad puking on a beach where a shark was swimming toward a bunch of people in the water
D) Bruce's brown, tomatoey Thursday morning shits
E) A death in the family
F) Colin Farrell's latest used condom, repurposed as a tasty wad of chewing gum that just lasts, like, forever!
G) A BIG, FAT cock


I Will Overcome

I will overcome all over YOUR FACE. HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously folks, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The word on the street.
B) A dozen hairless chiuauas.
C) A calculaTOR.
D) A solar powered dildo.
E) Trudna bogat drveni konj (which is a big, fat horse cock in Serbian, I think).

Update: GERONIMO!!!

Have a Holly Jolly Bump Day!

Have you shot a load into the mouth of life? Everyone should do it at least once. Of course, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote that, but it's totally fucking brilliant, like everything else here. Everything. Else. HERE. Anyhoo, it's time to engage in the activity that you're secretly ashamed of but HAVE to do: gWiMmRn:

A) A hot ketchup enema
B) The tiny little fart I heard from the woman in the cubicle next to mine
C) *prrt*
D) The shouted denunciation, "By GOD, Mrs. Haversham! I have put up with the sound and stench of your sickening, wet flatulence long enough! If you do not cease these disgusting antics once and for all, I shall be forced to inform our mutual employer of this OUTRAGE in writing, where it will go into your permanent record for all to see!"
E) A fetus popsicle
F) lola's desire to throw up in the air
G) Larry "Bud" Melman's big, fat cock, pulled ruthlessly from this nice lady's ASSHOLE

UPDATE: The answer is not H) A letter stating, "you suck and here's why." That is NOT the answer.


Voting is Like Shooting a Load into the Mouth of Life

Think about THAT next time you enter the voting booth, you canary-less CanadiEns!


A) Chunky's Campbell Soup.
B) A dry, yet chunky cough.
D) A devestatingly loud flatulent explosion, something akin to a cruise ship's horn.
E) Dr. Scardino, the inventor of the modern penile prosthesis way back in 1950.
F) B-B-Q Penis Ribs.
G) A big, fat steel implant.

da da da daDUM. da da da daDUM.

GWiMMRN: There's Nothing Good About Tuesdays Edition

Unless they're Tuesdays in my mouth, of course! Guess what's in there right now. Cocksucker.

A) Eugene's disposable razor, covered in buttery white wine
B) The FACT that if you replace an article like "a," "an," or "the" with a personal pronoun like "my" you can make any book, movie, or song title sound more suggestive
C) Amish Sauerkraut Surprise Custard Pie, with the Surprise Custard part being the hot, chunky load of a leprous Amish man
D) The sage advice, "You should definitely shit. No doubt, dude." which I plan to transfer to bumper stickers that will find themselves on every car I come into contact with
E) The rock group No Doubt, which will undoubtedly be blamed for the trick
F) Dakota Fanning's baby teeth
G) A big, fat Amish cock


Hume Cronyn Never Had it So Good

As when he was in my mouth! G' wan! Guess!

A) A bright pink birthday cake doused with Sophia Choi's love milk.
B) High culture.
C) The bonfire of my vanities.
D) Adolescent pretensions.
E) A surrogate big, fat cock.

UPDATE: The answer will NEVER BE a coherent pattern of speech by wahhhboohoo.

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer might be F) A kiss on Lil' Annie's fannie. But it's probably not.

I'm So Fuckin' Tired on Mondays

And the reason is because I've been working hard, putting the finest ingredients on God's green earth into my mouth. I'm open all day, every day, even on Christmas. Where else do you get that kind of service, except at the 7-11? Nowhere, man. No. Where. So, after giving a brief word of thanks to my mouth, guess what's in it right now:

A) That uncomfortable quandry you're in when you have a painful hemo-ruh-ruh-roid and have to take a shit: do you risk it and spray rectal bleeding all over the bowl, or hold it in?
B) The true origin of the chip butty
C) Eugene's triumphant return to the blogosphere
D) Tu. S. Tin's deep desire to have Wahhh Boohoo speak to her, which will never happen
E) Chicken fingers covered in Panko bread crumbs and fried until GBD (golden brown and delicious)
F) Hume Cronyn's last meal, consisting of undigested tofu, a strawberry-banana yogurt smoothie, bran muffins, and an entire kilo of DOG FECES
G) Hume Cronyn's big, fat cock (sort of)


Sunday School IN MY MOUTH

Quite frankly, all I love is My Mouth. I don't always care about the things that are there. Don't get me wrong; I select only the FINEST ingredients to place in my mouth, but that doesn't mean I am in LOVE with those ingredients.

Well, Sunday school is over. Time to GWiMMRN:

A) Bikini Wax.
B) Bunny farts; oh, about a dozen of them.
C) An inflatable whale mattress.
D) The truth about what you think about right before dozing off to sleep.
E) Gummy bears made from congealed bear cub blood.
F) A big, fat bear cub cock.

GWiMMRN, We Really Love the Shit out of Jesus Edition

Happy Sunday to all and sundry. I've just returned from slobbing the Lord's knob at church, so I'm ready to put concepts, thoughts, ideas, people, and other things into my mouth. The trick, the challenge, as it were, is for you to guess which of them is in my mouth at this moment in time:

A) A book that I've incorporated into my life (the latest copy of Juggs Magazine)
B) Sheppy's secret desire to dry hump an inflatable love doll filled with moose diarrhea until it explodes, showering him with a sickening mixture of fecal matter and his own seminal fluid
C) The "urban art" I scrawled on my pastor's door, with a special message from the pastor:
D) The Islamic prayer mat I spread out in the middle of the vestry and knelt on with my ass in the air, ululating and singing, "Allah Allah, jihad jihad!"
E) The patently fake outrage I expressed when I was carried out of the church by the police
F) Sophia Choi's head after it was horribly used by the sick fuck in the first comment
G) Sophia Choi's big, fat COCK (for Michele)