As I sit here, deciding whether or not to take a shit or let it sit in my colon a while longer, it occurs to me that I have something in my mouth, and that your job is to guess what it is. So, I think it's about time for you to redeem the meaning of your life, isn't it? Some of us put things in our mouths, and others guess what it is. Those are our roles. So, go for the redemption:

A) A tossed salad
B) The Italian eatery known as Buca di Beppo
C) The immortal words, "Have some salad," followed by a li'l salad tossing
D) Bosqueal O'Woodbine
E) One of those things we can't talk about
F) The red, throbbing, bulbous head that you MUST kiss
G) Kentucky Fried Chicken
H) A big, fat cock



It's always quid pro quo with you, isn't it? Can't do anything ALTRUISTIC, can you? Tit for tat. Fine, be that way and just f'ing GWiMMRN:

A) That gorgeous song, "Somewhere, beyond the sea..."
B) Fill in the blank: _ _ _ _ _ Pemmican.
C) Mange medicine.
D) Samantha Ivers... wuaggghhhhh!
E) National Velvet.
F) Fill in the blank: _ _ i _ _ _ t _ o _ _.



Whoops! Sorry about that little piece of gratuitous hostility there. Just slipped out. And there's no way I'll be able to slip it back in, that's for damn sure. Well, since you're here and all, and while you're SUCKING MY DICK, perhaps you could guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Kung fu
B) The President's brain
C) The President's heart
D) The adorable, oh so wispy hairs near the President's starfish
E) Paris Hilton's latest sex partner
F) The tiny little stress-farts I kept cutting at the recent staff meeting that were silent but oh so deadly
G) The stress-farts' invisible rubber hands that just kept clinging to me so that the flatulence would follow me around like the cloud of dirt that perpetually-swathed Pig Pen
H) *pffft* *rp* *pssrp* *frp* *peerp*
I) John Wayne, who famously said, "I can tell you for certain that smiling don't do nobody no good, no how, no way. So just stop the smiling. I don't see what the hell is so funny about this anyway."
J) A big, fat cock :)


Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now, Day 190something

It doesn't really matter how many days it has been. Just guess:

A) Mouse grime.
B) Packets of data containing fart and dick jokes.
C) CSI: My Asshole.
D) A collection of models from "down-under" my ball-sac.
F) A spitoon.
G) Another spitoon.
H) A big, fat C0CK.


One Relentless Mouthable for Every Day of the Year

We're at the 365th post, so I figured I'd put something relatively new and original in my mouth today. After the whining from you sloppy-second loving pus-garglers, I realized that I owe my adoring public something truly delisious (sic). So, guess what new and totally original thing is in my mouth right now:

A) Something warm and so syrupy that you just want to pour it all over your french toast and eat it with seventeen pieses (sic) of delisious (sic) watermellon bubblisious (SIC)
C) The adorable little 臀部 寒毛 near Scarlett Johansen's 肛門
D) The horrible, shimmery, aquamarine pantsuit my cousin was wearing that I'd earlier seen worn by an inner-city streetwalker, except that my cousin's pantsuit didn't have dirty knees or a suspicious rusty-brown stain at the crotch
E) More of the tomatoe juice, like buttery red menstrual blood, spilled all over a really comfortable sweater repurposed as a gorilla's sheet of soft lavatory paper
F) Your mystery date for the evening... THIS surprised looking turd!
G) The angry glares from flight crew and fellow passengers alike as everyone realized that they were going to have to live with the smell of my unspeakably befouled britches for hours to come
H) A big, fat cock

UPDATE: It's ALL NEW today, so stop your bitching. If I have to have one more conversation about anyone's treatment, it's going to get REAL ugly.

UPDATE UPDATE: Quick, quick! Guess I) Gatorade right now!!!!!


Summer Re-Runs Arrive Early in My Mouth

Ahhh, summer. Time for summer re-runs of the shows you watched throughout the year. Of course, summer re-runs are a rarity, as the new television brings 24 hour programming 365 days a year.

For me, I'm going to revive the summer re-run tradition. Thus, and thither, here is your first summer re-run from this season's GWiMMRN:

Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now, Day Two

Nobody correctly guessed Day One. We're onto Day Two.

A) Papillae
B) A Care Bear
C) La Shawn Barber
D) The sweat-brindled taint of Christina Aguilera
E) Part of a rotten cucumber sandwich
F) A big, fat cock

UPDATE: The answer may now be G) That Jordan, the Lobstrosity, has changed her Blogger template AGAIN. She's so MERCURIAL or H) That, like me, Jordan posted a re-run by quoting a long passage from herself verbatim.


Good News!

The Easter Bunny Has Risen. REJOICE.

O.K. Enought of that. GWiMMRN:

A) What's Happening!
B) PAAS Easter Egg Coloring.
D) Fred Berry, every mother lovin' dead inch of him.
E) Ralph.
F) A big, fat, over-stuffed, pulsating, angry, confused cock.