Saturday Cock PASTA Edition of GWiMMRN


A) The small pile of black-brown shits I took after eating three pounds of Hillshire Farm Lit'l Smokies at exactly 2:46 A.M. this morning
B) A bone spur
C) Jean Smart, all of her except her TAINT, which I have saved for later enjoyment on a slice of buttered matzah
D) The handful of liquid Ivory soap I threw with a loud grunt at the back of the neck of the couple in front of me in the movie theater during the titty scene in Hostel
E) *ungh* THWAP
F) The kind of person who says the word "horrors" and makes it sound like "whores"
G) Horror whores
H) A B'g, Smokie Cock


GWiMMRN, Cock Noodles Edition

Cram it, Ram it, put a stamp on it and send it to Uranus. I DON'T CARE. All I care about is what's in my mouth right now. HOW I put it in there is of no concern to you.


A) Sugar.
B) Spice.
C) Everything nice.
D) Snails.
E) Puppy dog tails.
F) Sunshine, that I let in.
G) A big, fat cock, that I let in. Sometimes. When I'm alone.


Ram it and cram it. That was almost the name of this website, before I decided to put everything in the world in my mouth. It's all there, too...or will all BE in there, soon enough. The issue of the moment is, however, what's in my mouth right now:

A) One of those coffee-flavored little candies I ate about a million of as a child and I sure wish I had one now
B) The recent episode of My Name Is Earl where one character said, "Gotta go tinkle" and Ethan Suplee's character said, scornfully, "Tinkle. Boy, that's really stupid. I wonder what he calls going ploppies."
C) The Man from U.N.G.H., who is different from The Man from J.I.S.M.
D) Joe Theisman's ploppies (and what big ploppies they are)
E) Tongue-biting rage
F) Ploppy-biting rage
G) The big, fat cock of the girl that sings, "Freeeeeee Credit Report Dot Commmmm"


Ram It

That's right. RAM. IT. Tell that to your boss, whose always coming around, SNOOPING, seeing what you're DOING. Ram it up your foreskin, Boss. That's what you should say.


A) Broccoli crowns.
B) The testicles of a spicy italian sausage.
C) An angry little twat.
D) An insincere thank you.
F) Monkey penis. That's right. MONKEY. PENIS.
G) You want me to go on? Fine.

UPDATE: I am the Man from U.N.G.H.

GWiMMRN, My Horribly Fucked-Up Id Demands Release Edition

You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't get some illicit little thrill out of it, so don't give me that, "At least I'm not as fucked up as that GWiMMRN guy" shit. You're not fooling anyone. At least I have the COURAGE to put these things in my mouth, and the DECENCY to let you vicariously experience them. Let's get on with it:

A) A pink slip because you didn't TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!!!! fast enough
B) A pink slit
C) The three-letter reply I got when I asked my infant nephew what Eugene's flesh dragon goes
D) The surveillance tape I acquired from Wal-Mart that showed Sheppy furtively whacking off to the labels on the "Junior Miss" packages in the pantyhose aisle (SORRY, SHEPPY, YOU STILL GET NO BREAK HERE YOU NASTY LITTLE PUBLIC MASTURBATOR, YOU)
E) My buttery nutsack
F) Angelina Jolie's lower lip, duct-taped to the nozzle on my shop-vac and well-greased with turkey gravey in order to facilitate my solitary delights
G) The extra "e" in gravey
H) The boss's big, fat cock


The State of My Union is STRONG

YES. IT. IS. Fellow citizens and denizens of My Mouth, the state of My union is strong. From the VAGBLDFRTs in the East, to Lake Vajisnatch in the West, My Mouth has had it all. Say it with me, "I CAN I CAN I CAN." If you ever forget, you CAN scroll down to the bottom of this webpage.

FOCUS on the state of MY Union. FO-CUS.


A) Alternative energy, like clean, safe vaginal blood farts.
B) A petition to make so-called "Period Gas" an acceptable vegan substitute for "the meat farts."
C) Corn on my cob.
D) Pearls, but NOT the kind you get from oysters.
E) Yayoi Kusama's phallic couch.
F) Files.
G) Gummy sperms.
H) A big, fat, phallic-centered patriarchichical cock.

UPDATE: Professor Al Newport reports "Word is out that GWIMMRN is due to be bought by Rupert Murdoch and turned into a Fox network show starring the Olsen twins. (Or was it Paris Hilton?)" The official GWiMMRN response is I) A jar of the finally legal veganesque-vaginal period gas of the anorexic-looking Olsen twin. GWiMMRN has no more to say about it at the current time, other than "FO-CUS on what is in my mouth right now."

UPDATE UPDATE: Quick! The boss is coming! Exit this disgusting and possibly pink-slip inducing website now! Quick! TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!!!!

GWiMMRN, Automotive Science and Engineering Bump Day

My mouth has to get from place to place so that things can go in it. I mean, it's not as if everything comes to me. Sometimes, I have to go to them. As much as I can, however, I do like to give out my standard line: "You want me to go to your house to get my dick sucked in your mouth!?" It works. The mock-outrage, the tearful apology. Anyway, guess what's in my mouth rn:

A) My vanity license plate that says, "VAGINALBLOODFART"
B) A bumper sticker on the SUV in front of me that proclaimed, "My kid anally raped your Honor Student at Heritage High"
C) This fake-titted broad I used to work with who could suck-start a Harley
D) The pearls I left on her pert, saline-filled mountains just before requesting, "do not rob me of this moment...I'M GONNA SHOOT MY GOO!"
E) The uterus collection I keep in the trunk in case I'm stranded and need sustenance
F) My OWN bumper sticker that says, in black Trebuchet font, "TASTE MY PASTE"
G) A big, fat cock



That's right, folks. SPACE. The final frontier is in my mouth right now. Manifest destiny demands that the SPACE in my mouth be filled with nouns, verbs, and other accoutrement. gwINmmrn:

C) The SPACE between Paige Davis' bowed legs.
D) Dick Slurpee, P.I.
E) Chivalry, which I define as letting you suck it first.
G) A big, fat SPACE cock.

GWiMMRN, Elbows and Assholes Tuesday Edition

All right, soldiers! Elbows and assholes! Move it, move it! Make a hole, you broke-dick collection of ate-up shitbirds! Watching you try to guess what's in my mouth right now is like watching two monkeys fucking a football! You get one more chance to stand tall before the man and make your mamas proud. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The space between my penis and Uranus, which grows ever closer
B) The low crackling sound of your dingleberries rising as your anus aches for the touch of my jaundiced, yellow tongue
C) A smacked ass
D) That time when I grabbed that guy and his bicep like, ripped off the bone, so I stripped away the flesh with my teeth and sucked on his elbow marrow while he screamed in agony
E) Dame Judi Dench who, before embarking on an acting career, was known far and wide across England as being able to shape a gone-over zucchini into a perfectly-detailed replica of Rodin's The Thinker using only her rectum and ass cheeks
F) The weird, elbow-like bend in this big, fat cock


Christ. Another Monday.

At least my mouth is there to help you get through the week. Not that my mouth really gives a big fuck about you, but you can at least vicariously experience wonderful things by reading about my mouth and its contents. I hope you've read the inspirational message at the bottom of this webpage. If you haven't, do it. I'll wait. Okay? Okay. Guess what's iMMRN:

A) The 7:15 shits
B) Turtle soup, also known as man-custard
C) The guy that did a poopy in his pants on this blog
D) Explosive outgassing
E) The secret desire of every militant Islamist to make a cup of sweet tea from Paris Hilton's used undergarments and pages from a urine-soaked Qu'ran and drink it all down, ululating, "DAAAAAYYYUM! THASS A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD PUSSY!"
F) A blast from the past
G) A cock from the Rock

UPDATE: The answer is NOT H) Michele's sucky weekend. Give the poor girl a break.


What Kind of Sick Fuck Works on a Saturday AND a Sunday?

I don't know, but I'M working today. My goodness. You know, this whole thing reminds me of a story about when Paris Hilton was sucking the cum out of Larry "Bud" Melman's cock. See, I told this joke... I forget what the joke was, but anyway, Paris found it soooo funny that Bud's baby batter literally flew out of Paris' nostrils! Bud and I didn't even stop laughing at the scene long enough to give Paris a towel or anything. Paris was laughing and cursing, with Bud's yellowish sperm dripping from her nose. Ahhhh. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Yes, it WAS yesterday.


A) Mint flavoured chlorine.
B) Mustard gas from eating too much of French's Yellow Mustard.
C) A 6 foot long hoagie brimming with Larry "Bud" Melman's love juices.

D) Da Da-ism.
E) Ji Ji-ism.
F) An inspiring story of courage, hope, and hearts that heal.
G) A big, fat cock.