GWiMMRN, Later Saturday Edition

I can't always be here to answer your comments, questions, and concerns. I am often on the road, looking for the very best things to put in my mouth. So all of you who were hoping for a Saturday morning edition, you're shit out of luck. I was too busy to post. I'm posting now, though. Preamble's over. GWiMMRN:

A) The enormous gap in between the yellow front teeth of the fucking retard working Register 9 at Wal-Mart
B) 5000 milligrams of Beano, ground up, cut with baby laxative, and snorted off the well-rounded ass of a teenage Filipino hooker with chlamydia and a harelip
C) John Seigenthaler's overweening sense of self-importance, cut with baby shit and smeared on a slice of whole-grain bread
D) The unlubricated, hair-choked tuna taco belonging to the moronic bitch at the toy store who gleefully informed the person in front of me that they didn't have any electric card shufflers in stock, and didn't bother to say where one might find them elsewhere
E) A long, snaky chest hair still attached to the weird dent near Lindsay Lohan's left sweater puppy
F) John Seigenthaler's teensy, weensy little ting-ting


You WILL Do What I Say...

Because you have no choice. When I provide you the list of things that may be in my mouth, and demand that you guess which one is actually in there, I've irrevocably altered your thought process. Without consciously wanting to, you'll have already made a guess. Isn't that great? So, don't be shy. Tell me what that guess is. I know you've already made it.

A) Vice-President Dick Cheney's stool, containing undigested chunks of John Edwards
B) The guy I cock-punched into orbit last week for offering to wipe my windshield when I didn't want it wiped
C) A triple-chicken delight: A chicken McNugget sandwich with a fried egg on top, lightly drizzled with an ounce of rooster sperm housed in a repurposed McDonald's Honey Mustard packet
D) A parent's mixed amusement and exasperation when the kids end up having more fun with the boxes their Christmas presents came in than the actual presents themselves
E) The horrible, final flatulence Tookie Williams will make when he gets the needle on December 13th
F) The red, angry bumps on Robert Culp's dingus after a long night of dry-humping Vietnamese waitresses the way he does
G) The rest of Robert Culp's big, fat, sweet-tasting cock

UPDATE: The answer is not H) The two gigantic warts I have cultivated on either side of my anus so that I can snap my ass shut like a change purse. I know you were thinking that, but they're not in my mouth right now.

Look, Folks; My Mouth is NOT Your Personal Lost & Found Box

Tell you what; I'll describe what's in my mouth right now, and you tell me if one of these items belongs to you.

A) A 4.1 inch scissor.
B) A 4.1 inch incisor.
C) Fakery, charlatanism, and hocus-pocus.
D) An ounce of rooster sperm housed in a repurposed McDonald's Honey Mustard packet that you get when you buy those disgusting Chicken McNuggets. Well, you get the packet of mustard, and you have to repurpose it yourself, is what I mean.
E) Tara Reid's gaping vaginal cavity.
F) A weird dent.
G) Someone's unintentionally awful Vogon-esque poetry.
H) Intentional Vogon poetry.
I) An awful tasting, but incredibly big, fat cock.


Silver Bells...Silver Bells...Silver Bells...

It's Christmastime in MY MOUTH, OH YEAH

I hope everyone's getting into the Christmas spirit. Did you know that without my mouth, there would be no Christmas? That's right. I'll explain later. Before the explanation, I will give you several choices. All you have to do, all you must do, is pick which one of them is in my mouth right now:

A) A freshly-bleached anus with a rib bone sticking out of it
B) The horrible yellow puke pouring out of that gormless-looking Asian broad's yap
C) The uncomfortable fact that the song "Silver Bells" actually refers to G)
D) An entire football stuffed into the obscenely rugose TUHHHHH-WAT of you-know-who so we could continue both the "rugose" jokes and the "TOUCHDOWN!" jokes which just don't seem to grow old and are still a total hoot
E) The divine justice that surely awaits me in later life in the form of Parkinson's, split personality, and paraplegia
F) The gormless-looking Asian broad's big, fat COCK

UPDATE: There are no safe choices here. Pick wisely. Respect yourself after.

Well Bleach My Anus and Call Me Sally! It's Time to GWiMMRN!

Yup. Do it.

A) A rib from all the skeletons in my closet.
B) The facts of life.
C) Birds.
D) Bees.
E) Bleach.
F) Pain, the chief export of Chuck Norris.
G) Gunk.
H) Hickory Dickory Cock.

Holy Cockgobbling Christ! It's Thursday, and There's Something in My Mouth Right Now!

Yes, even aspiring romance novelists know that almost anything can be in my mouth at almost any time. Which "thing" happens to be occupying my mouth now, though? That is the question:

A) Chuck Norris's girlfriend's throat
B) The extremely red, sore anus of every angel that had to sit impaled on top of a Christmas tree since the beginning of time
C) Desitin
D) Despair
E) One of the lil' critters livin' in my pubic follicles, grown freakishly fat and frisky from feeding off my hot groin blood for decades
F) Choccy pudding!
G) Mmmm mm!
I) Fabio's big, fat, cock


R.E.S.P.E.C.T. My Mouth

Find out what it means to me! GWiMMRN!

A) A tall glass of pulque.
B) The heydey of Primo Tapia.
C) Aretha Franklin's various and sundry genitalia.
D) A greeezy pooork sandwich served in a dirrrty ashtray.
E) Two coloured pencils, unsharpened.
F) The entire year of 1986.
G) A solar powered calculator, formerly up Kelly LeBrock's suh----NATCH.
H) 8-----------------> (u get the picture, baby).

There's, y'know, like, TOTALLY something in my mouth! Like, right now!

Gag me with a spoon! Can you, like, guess? Y'know? Like, what's, like, in my mouth, y'know, right now?

A) A Valley Girl's postadolescent suhhhh-NATCH, elaborately styled, moussed, and dyed
B) A family of filthy, dirty, unwashed, thieving GYPSIES, a whole goddamn FAMILY of 'em, trapped inside a European Kow Kunt
C) A low, cautious grunt made in the stall of a crowded restroom by someone who doesn't want anyone to know that he's trying to take a shit
D) Uncooked Ramen noodles with extra sodium
E) *nnnnnngh* *plip* *plip* *PLOP* *hhhhhhahhh*
F) A plate of grilled bat penises with a sauce made of a reduction of white wine, butter, shallots, and asparagus piss
G) A nasty, brown, sweat-caked, big, fat GYPSY COCK

Come ON, People...

I KNOW you were thinking about something other than my mouth and what goes in it today. I just KNOW it. How many times do I have to say it? FOCUS. FOCUS on my mouth.

Okay? Still with me? Fine. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A freshly-raped cherry pie
B) A cute little golden Labrador puppy, tail wagging
C) A peanut butter and bacon sandwich, except that the peanut butter is actually a three-ply sheet of heavily-used toilet paper, the bread is actually an agglomeration of 5,000 gypsies' toe cheese pressed into a loaf-like shape, and the bacon turned out to be the glistening caul covering the human brain (known as the meninges) so it's not a peanut butter and bacon sandwich at all, but rather a horribly sickening toe cheese, paper, shit, and brain sandwich that no one would even think of eating
D) A run-on sentence
E) Chivychivychivychivychivy
F) Spermacuticles, which may be explained later
G) Gokor's big fat gokorriffic COCK


Put Down That Bucket of Pubes and GWiMMRN!

YEEEEHAWWWW! That's right, pardners! Saddle up on Teethsday and ride 'til all you see are uvulas on the horizon! Comfy? Great! Now guess!

A) Harmaceuticals, such as heroin and crack cocaine.
B) Spermaceuticals, which need no explanation.
C) Cuticles, not mine.
D) The lil' critters livin' in my pubic follicles.
E) A vicious whiff of mustard.
F) The false hope that the word "rugose" was retired when Lovecraft died.
G) A yellowed copy of The Lord's Prayer as written in shorthand.
H) H.P. Lovecraft's Cthuloid Cock.

There Are Things...

...in my mouth. Yes, there are! All kinds of things! They're in there right now, as a matter of fact! Any idea what these things are? Well, they're at least one of the things listed below, if not two or even three:

A) Liquid paper poured all over my waggling tongue
B) The large, pink nipples adorning lola's low-hanging jubbblies
C) Some truly appalling poetry about a diner, angst-filled and trite
D) A frilly toothpick, covered in oleoresin capsicum and inserted in the urethra of lola's ex
E) The adorable little ass hairs stuck in between George Washington's wooden false teeth
F) The adorable little snatch hairs concealing this rugose delectation
G) The word "rugose," previously only seen in the Lovecraft short story, The Shadow Out of Time
H) The Great Race of Yith, all of 'em
I) Shifty McPenis's foightin' Oirish cohck

UPDATE: The answer is not J) The thin, spermless semen occasionally permitted to escape from Ashton Kutcher's horribly abused penis. That will never go in my mouth, ever.


If My Mouth Had a Dick, You Know You'd Suck It

It's true. What else is true is that I've got something in my mouth. Right now. The truth is, you'll never be happy unless you guess what it is:

A) A gram of Oil of Olay Smoothing Overnight Wrinkle Cream, licked out of Kate Capshaw's rugose TUHHHHH-WAT
B) The call football announcers make when the offense runs the ball past the end zone
C) The horrible barking sounds William Sadler made while he was frantically jerking off in front of Liam Neeson and Chris O'Donnell
D) Your flash disk after it had been mistakenly repurposed as a heroin addict's suppository for several days
E) The wad of faux jism thrown at Jodie Foster's face in Silence of the Lambs
F) Madonna's red Kabba-lahhhhh bracelet, deliberately repurposed into a cock-rope Demi Moore tied so tightly around Ashton Kutcher's peter that the head has turned a dark shade of blackish purple
G) The tiny silver bell attached to the cock-rope designed to jingle whenever Ashton has lustful thoughts about preadolescent boys
H) *ring ring*
I) Multiple Miggs's big, fat, faux jism-shooting cock

Lo! My Mouth!

Hark! GWiMMRN!

A) Crow.
B) A big honkin' pubic hair previously perched precariously on the toilet's rim.
C) The smegmatic flu.
D) Your flash disk. Yes, yours.
E) A bagel with dingleberrilicious Kraft cream cheese.
F) An ink pen.
G) A safety pin.
H) An inky safety cock pen pin.


Say Grace in My Mouth!

Well, hello everybody! It's time everyone said grace before I put something else in my mouth. Ready? Clasp hands and say the following:

"Thank you, whomever you are, for putting all manner of things in your capacious maw. We appreciate the bounty that you put in there and the care in which you lovingly treat your oral guests.


Okay! Now, it's time to guess what delish morsel is securely fastened to my majestic molars RIGHT NOW:

A) Kate Capshaw's wrinkly smile.
B) Beanie Babies!
C) A long, thin piece of barn-straw extracted from the anus of Lady Chatterly.
D) A rusty rail-road spike extracted from the skeletal remains of an 1800's Chinese migrant worker.
E) Gluten.
F) Hysteria! (Oh can you feel it,(Oh can you feel it) Do you believe it, (Do you believe it) It's such a magical, mysteria when you get that feelin',(When you get that feelin') Better start believin,(Better start believin')Cause it's a miracle, oh say you will, ooh babe).
G) Rick Allen's big, fat, mysterious, hysterical cock.

Oh, Holy Sunday in My Mouth...

May the Lord Jesus bless you and keep you, even though even He knows that you must first pray to my mouth before your prayers reach His ears. Verily, you must also guess what may be in my mouth right now, lest ye be burned forever in the Lake of Fire:

A) The Wool of the Lamb, used to line a device intended to "enhance your solitary pleasures"
B) The Skin of the Lamb, turned into a very holy box of condoms
C) Pre-Christmas jitters, where everyone wonders what they're going to buy for My Mouth
D) Lamb shit
E) B.B. King's sweet, diabetic urine, frozen into popsicles bearing the label "Pissin' the Blues"
F) Michele's ungh ungh ungh cucumber
G) The Big, Fat, Cock of the Lamb