It's CHRISTMAS EVE DAY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

I can't tell you how exciting it is for Christmas to be so near. I get to put all sorts of things into my mouth, sanctioned by God Himself! Once you hear the true story of Christmas, you'll have no choice but to kneel and worship at the feet of my mouth, if my mouth had feet. Those religious jitbags tell you that Jesus is the reason for the season, but they wouldn't know true Godhood if it came right up and bit off the adorable little ass hairs near their starfishes! Enough ranting. Get on with the guessing of what's in my mouth right now:

A) Three pounds of candied pussy pemmican to be fed to all the Christmas carolers that will come to my door
B) A nicely chilled glass of eggnog, except that the "egg" is actually a dying cigarette smoker's gobs and strings of yellow sputum, and the "nog" is curdled clots of really old spooch. I won't tell you what the "nutmeg" is sprinkled on top, but it has a lot to do with this popular doughnut topping, so it's not really eggnog at all, but something unimaginably horrible
C) Vomited figgy pudding, whatever the fuck that is
D) The manger little JC first slept in, a gen-u-wine HOLEE relic
E) A cast of the Virgin Mary's pudendal sphincter made of soft, moisture-resistant foam rubber so every man can feel like Joseph for a night
F) The terrible certainty that I shall be spending the rest of eternity in Gehenna
G) Santa's big, fat elfy cock

GWiMMRN, Funky Friday Night Edition

Every Friday night's a Funky Friday Night in my mouth! Woooooooooo hoo! Get in on the festivities, and guess...what's...in...my...

My...

Mouthrightnow!

A) The Andrea Doria, with all hands on deck
B) The thrilling, pathos-laden command, "Bring me the tomatoe juice, and a really comfortable sweater."
C) The buttery white wine that is occasionally allowed to escape my penis in spurts
D) Sheppy's unspoken but obvious desire to taste a sloppy wad of toilet paper used by Sabine Ehrenfeld after three meals of nothing but hot sauce and gallons of French Vanilla ice cream
E) A digital watch, not mine
F) A big, fat cock, I guess, I mean...I don't know. Sure

I Don't Care if Jesus Christ Himself Was Giving Out Blowjobs, You Still Have to GWiMMRN!

There are no barriers to performance here. Just do it. Do it for your family. Do it for Allah. Do it for the adorable little ass hairs near the Baby Jesus' starfish. Do it for Buddha, that fat fuck. Just...just...do it. Guess!

A) The terrible, head-shaking disappointment Sheppy's grandmother were to experience if she only knew not only how often Sheppy masturbated, but the intensity of it and what he thinks of when he does it
B) WAAAAAHHH! FLOPPYTITS WAAAAAAHHH! boo hoo! BOOH HOOOHOOOO!
C) The unholy sacrilege this website has become, when its initial intentions were only honorable and good
D) Underdone French toast with a big gob of congealed butter and imitation maple syrup splattered all over it
E) The really coughy, uncomfortable feeling you get when you accidentally inhale powdered sugar off of a doughnut
F) The kind of guy who squats in the dirt, taking pictures of 'shrooms
G) The Weather Channel
H) The fact that lots of people read this blog, but won't link to it
I) Sheppy's big, fat, overmasturbated cock

UPDATE: The answer is not J) Two little dead grey orbs. I cut them off and am now wearing them around my neck like a scrotal pendant.

Oh... Hello There!

Hi! Sorry, I didn't see you there. Well, now that you're here, let me tell you the story thus far.

I have something in my mouth. It's in there right now. It would be great fun if you tried to guess what's in my mouth right now. Wouldn't that be fun? YES.

OKay. GWiMMRN (for those of you who do not know what GWiMMRN stands for, look at the title of the blog, and take the first letter from each word. Hint: G stands for "guess" and W stands for "what's").

A) Directions so easy a retard can follow them.
B) Sheppy!
C) Faeries.
D) Fairies.
E) Fairys.
F) Mail-order cheese.
G) Dick cheese from a big, fat cock.

It's Totally AWESOME That You Get to GWiMMRN!

Isn't it? I mean, think about it. Who else do you know gets such an AWESOME opportunity? So you can properly appreciate this great honor, see if you can guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The warm sense of self-righteous satisfaction the owners of those faggoty little hybrid cars feels whenever they drive by someone pumping gasoline
B) This endlessly crying little asshole
C) More of the tomatoe juice, like buttery red menstrual blood, spilled all over a really comfortable sweater repurposed as a gorilla's sheet of soft lavatory paper
D) A yellow snowman with a soft fecal core named "Frostee"
E) A cute little baby!
F) The true meaning of Christmas, which you will all learn on Sunday, December 25 on this very website
G) A dogfart sundae
H) Frostee's big, fat, freezing, piss-top cuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh-OCK

My Mouth is GUILTY of Insider Trading

Yes, it is. To understand the magnitude of my guilt, you must start with the first GWiMMRN, and march forward. Then, and ONLY then, will My Magnitude of Guilt be revealed.

Then.

And only

Then.

Guess. what'sinmymouthrightnow!

A) Miles Patrick "Shep" Shepards. COME ON DOOOOOWWWN! The Prrrriiiiiice iiiisss RIGHT!
B) Spoonie G, the Metropolitician.
C) B-Boys makin' with the Freak Freak.
D) Surly Joe and his snapperiffic comebacks.
E) Smuggykins, A hugely talented figure in the world of sucking cock.
F) Five Chocolate Chip Cookies.
G) Five big, fat cocks, none of them mine.

My Mouth Encompasses All Holidays

Even though I've been making much of Christmas of late, it's important to realize that my mouth, in its wonder, engulfs all holidays, from Hanukkah to Kwaanza. Light the candles and distribute the gifts, because you're going to have to guess...what's...inmymouthrightnow!

A) The oft-heard boardroom phrase, "Come on, now: my dick's not going to suck itself."
B) A tender sprig of parsley used as a garnish for a delicious dish of tomatoes and mozzarella cheese on toast points
C) A small pile of the tweezed-off adorable little ass hairs near Jessica Alba's starfish, ready to be snorted through a rolled-up Benjamin
D) A furiously-abused towelrack, dunked into the tomatoe juice
E) Buttery red wine with a dollop of spat-out man-custard in a shotglass
F) Eugene's nutsack, slapped really hard with a tennis racket so that he truly experiences balls in flight
G) lola's nutsack, slapped gently with Abner Louima's cocoa plunger so that she truly experiences splintery, shit-stained balls in flight
H) A sick Sesame Street, complete with a Big Bird sporting an immense erection
I) Eugene's teensy li'l peepee, all red and sore

By Now, You Know My Policy

Alright folks, gather 'round. Listen, we've had some complaints from corporate that you are not guessing what's in the mouth of the President of GWiMMRN, Inc. You know my policy by now. Drop whatever it is you are doing and guess what's in there. Got it? Great. Get back to work, folks.

Oh, and Merry Xmas.

A) Alaskan Mushrooms
B) Something that seems so obviously a joke to me but people think is serious.
C) Snot rags in 5 different flavours.
D) Starwilde's Pearlescent Horn.
E) crack!
F) Healthy gums and teeth.
G) Toodlepip.
H) A gigbyte of big, fat cock.

Great Santa's COCK! It's Almost Christmas!

The miracle of Christmas in my mouth is almost upon us. Soon, you will all learn the true meaning of Christmas. Some will consider it sacrilege. Others will simply be appalled. But it's all true! To get yourself ready for the big Christmas Revelation, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The tomatoe juice
B) A really comfortable sweater, I mean really comfortable
C) lola's warm bathwater, made salty by exertion
D) A big fruitcake with a suspicious hole in the center
E) A freshly-exploded ICBM
F) The Concorde
G) A big, fat cock with dried fruit and nuts stuck in it (ouch!)

Get Ready For It...

Here it comes...

TOUCHDOWN!

GWiMMRN!

SHARK! SHARK!

A) The dying words, "I should have smoked more cigarettes."
B) Liberace's rhinestone and diamond studded cock ring.
C) Those oh so sharp branches.
D) The miracle of Xmas, my son.
E) Sure and steady pushing from a certified rolfing wench.
F) Xmas Xookies.
G) My Mouth= (big)*(fat)*(cock)/balls.

I LOVE Mondays!

Especially the Mondays where I get to put something in my mouth. That's every Monday. So, do the math. Don't do yourself in the bath. In between wanks, feel free to guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Indian corn
B) Circus peanuts
C) Circus penis (clown cock)
D) The Christmas stocking used by a filthy, mentally-deficient homeless man as a shotrag for the past month, repurposed as YOUR Christmas stocking, yes YOURS, so when Santa puts treats into it late Saturday night, he'll wind up with a handful of goo
E) The horrible thoughts of animal pedophilia that constantly plague the fevered mind of this surprised looking turd
F) The simple fact that I have no idea who the poor man is in this photo, and that he's been the target of horrible ridicule for months just because he had the bad sense to put his photo up on the internet so I could see it
G) A mash of Wonka cakes and old spooch chewed between the cheeks of Oprah Winfrey's accomodating ass and spat out all over a fairy princess
H) A big, fat...

Wait for it...

Here it comes...

COCK.

You Incite Me to Masturbate

Hooooolllyyy niiiiighhhhhtttt... alllll iiiiissss calllmmm, aaaaalllll iiisss briiiiiiiiiight...

A) The rusty colored Lake Vajisnatch.
B) A fluffy pillow!
C) Razzles.
D) A security camera turned on YOU. Yes, YOU.
E) The White Diamond, repurposed as King Kong's diaper.
F) Pencils! Many, many pencils! So many pencils that I'll be shitting wood chips for a MONTH.
G) A big, fat cock, covered in Ju-Jubes, which is the way you ate candy as a kid.