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Shiver my timbers!


A) Tree bark, or what women in the woods use for a tampon.
B) Popeye, the cockgobbling pirate.
C) A bag of fresh spinach.
D) E Coli left from the "special sauce" Popeye leaves/jerks off in every bag of fresh spinach in America.
E) Olive Oyl's incredibly thin snatch.
F) Suffering Succotash.
G) A big fat spinach filled cock.

UPDATE: The answer could now be H) The fresh bagged spinach sale at your local supermarket. Price reduced! 75% off!



Oh YES, I see you now. I know what you're thinking about. I know what you're up to. You're thinking, I'm just going to write what I want in these comments, and to hell with all this FOCUSING shit.

Fuck that.

Guess, God damn you. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) An entire internet chat room
B) Urine stain remover, for those built-in stains you just can't get out when you're a semi-homeless man who carries bottles of piss on the bus, trying to fool all of us that it's apple juice
C) A hot clot of snot sucked directly from the nostril of a pneumonia-suffering nonagenarian
D) A small twinge of anxiety with a soupcon of anticipation
E) Cold soup, but not gazpacho
F) Everything that isn't in my mouth right now (Ooooo! The cockgobbling implications!)
G) A big, fat cockgobble



Oh no!

Well, that hasn't happened in a while!

OKAY! I've scooped all this up from the floor and stuffed everything back in My Mouth, so Tuesday's choices are still a go!



GWiMMRN, Just How Fucking HARD Is It for You Retards to Focus Edition Edition Fucking Edition

The burden of placing things in my mouth and permitting you to guess what they may be isn't one I take up lightly. At times, I suffer. All I ask of you is that you guess. I just want you to FOCUS. Instead, I get whining and faux-outrage and a big fat waste of my time. So this time, I've put one of your non-FOCUSING comments into my mouth, and I want you to fucking figure the fuck out which fucking one it is:

C) Untasted llama testicles
D) A freshly-published fart
E) Annie Potts's outtake from the film Ghostbusters: "Heh-loh? Ghohst-buhstuhs. Wanna watch my tits flop around? Huh? Heh-loh?"
F) Whining about how disgusting H) is
G) A painting of Leonardo da Vinci sucking Jesus off while fondling Satan's balls
I) A big, fat cock wearing a monocle so it can FOCUS


GWiMMRN, I Went to the Zoo Edition

Just...just fucking GUESS already, for fuck's fucking sake:

A) The bunch of retards being herded along by some kind of tour group
B) The fact that the only time they evidenced any enthusiasm was when the elephants were taking great, big spherical shits, and this enthusiasm showed itself in hooting, laughing, and general exclamations of incoherence, giving the lie to the popular Hollywood notion of the "Noble Retard"
C) Soft-serve ice cream
D) A family of truly brutish-looking Russian tourists with a somewhat cute kid named "Vasily" who I truly hope grows up to look more like a bushbuck's asshole than his own parents because he'd at least be less ugly
E) Mingled delight and disappointment that while I was able to see a waterbuck for myself at the zoo, I wouldn't be able to sniff its stinky, big fat cock
F) Lorikeets
G) The one dollar we paid for a cup of nectar to feed the lorikeets with, which I later tasted and learned that it wasn't sugar water, but actually M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C., which is that pussy-flavored drink that you add milk to like Ovaltine
H) A lorikeet's black, cylindrical tongue
I) A lorikeet's big, fat, feathery cock


Choo choo! The Mouth Express Is Coming Through! Choo choo!

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO!! chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOOOO!

I'm on a NON-STOP WHISTLE-STOP TOUR through America's heartland to bring you nothing but the finest choices to GWiMMRN!

A) Stanley Kubrick's worm-ridden corpse.
B) National Lampoon's worm-ridden corpse.
C) A rumpled copy of the April 1983 issue of Cracked magazine.
D) Apricot jam mixed with some prune jam on home-made bread and unsalted butter.
E) A salt lick, with the cow still attached.
F) A big fat dick lick.