Saturday Night's All Right, but Only in My Mouth

Fuck Elton John. He doesn't know shit. I know shit. I do. I've also put something in my mouth. Can you guess what it is?

A) The quaalude-soaked brain of the cretinous busboy at the Original Pancake House
B) An optical illlllluuuuusion
C) A seven-pound tablet of Bayer aspirin
D) The huge snot rocket I found under the third pancake in the stack, glistening and yellow and smeared with imitation maple syrup
E) The fact that I felt sort of bad that a really unhealthy man gobbed on my 'cakes instead of a really healthy one
F) A raw chicken wing
G) A big, fat cock (or is it an optical illlllluuuuusion?)

GWiMMRN, The 80's ROCKED Edition

I occasionally manage to get hold of some vintage things to put in my mouth. Are the 1980's vintage? They are now, because I so characterized them. Guess which 80's relic is in there now:

A) A great, big, untrimmed suuuuuhhhhh-NATCH, all hairy and vaguely diamond-shaped
B) The tribal doot-de-doot music that would come up whenever the main bad guy was shown during Lethal Weapon 2
C) The exact moment when, as an adult, Michael Jackson looked with lust on an 8-year-old boy's rear end and thought, I can get me some of that, cause I got the money
D) Pat Benatar's callused vocal cords wrapped around a big ol' cordless telephone
E) A 10' long chain of Chinese Jacks stuck together with a paste of Don Johnson's Miami Vice man-custard and cocaine
F) A pair of stirrup pants, not mine
G) A big, fat cock buried in a huge bush of curly pubic hair

The Passion of My Mouth

My Mouth is Holy, See?

A) The passionate, wet, and delicious farts of Gioacchino Antonio Rossini, captured in a jar just before he completed writing William Tell's Overture.
B) Almost five C.A.P. caps.
C) A bowling ball covered in plenty of spit and polish.
D) Spit, not mine.
E) Polish, mine.
F) The REAL Barber of Seville.
G) Bugs Bunny's carrot shaped cock.

Fantabulous Friday!

Let's not beat about the bush, here. Ready to guess? Good:

A) Mohammed's first nocturnal emission, considered by Islamic scholars to be a "holy load"
B) The strange lattice of long, black ass hairs that Ann Curry has to unravel each morning after she wakes up if she wants to take a shit
C) lola's friend's nipple leakage
D) lola's nipple:

E) Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian
F) Judge Samuel Alito's latest rantings
G) Dick Cheney's big, fat cock, who is a lesbian

During Blogger's Scheduled Outage, I Plan to Put Things in My Mouth

It's important that I reassure you in these dark times, isn't it? I won't leave you. I'm always with you, putting the finest things imaginable into my mouth. Don't thank me, just guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) George Gillespie's lawsuit
B) The cold sweat Eugene's Wife has undoubtedly broken into
C) Dr. Phil's new book, 1001 Reasons Why You Should SUCK MY DICK
D) An immensely satisfying dump, taken on a broken fax machine
E) A catastrophically shat-in pair of Levis, so soiled and dirty that not even an abysmally retarded homeless man would wear them on the coldest day of the year in Minneapolis
F) The smell of popcorn
G) This guy's big, fat cock, adorned with oh so adorable wispy hairs...

I Am Not Going to Resign

Nope. No way. I'm in it for the long haul. Know why? Cause all I think about is what's in my mouth right now. And all I want for Xmas is you, baby.

Guess. Just for me:

A) An oh so relaxing cup of chamomile tea.
B) A dump that festered long in my colon, before I became soooo relaxed from that chamomile tea, that I released it into my Levis.
C) The adorable wispy hairs on Judge Alito's noggin.

D) A mess that I'd really rather not talking about, except to say that I'm sorry, and I will only do that in self-defense at the book store.
E) A morning after pill swallowed with the help of Chaser-plus.
F) A big, fat cock.

Fuckin' GWiMMRN! Do it!

Come on, MAN! GUESS! A FUCKING RETARD WITH APHASIA COULD DO IT! WHY'S IT SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU, DIMWIT? GUESS!!!

A) Eugene's letter of resignation
B) Eugene's wife, probably the last straw for poor, beleaguered, towelrack-gripping Eugene
C) Flying rods
D) The fact that the sick, evil freak who created the Eugene's Wife blogger account didn't even bother to give Eugene's wife a real name, and will continue to plague the blogosphere for some time
E) A big, crusty loaf, pinched just for you
F) The adorable little ass hairs near Helen Thomas's starfish, grown huge, bristly, and angry over Eugene's resignation
G) Eugene's wife's big, fat cock

UPDATE: Keep those faxes coming in!

It's a Feel Good Bump Day in My Mouth

Feeling good? I'm ALL good. IN MY MOUTH, that is! Wanna see? Good!

GWiMMRN:

A) Pop psychology in theater form.
B) Profiting from pain, making a few people feel better about themselves.
C) A career out of interviewing people who are in pain, putting the interviews in theatrical form, and profiting handsomely.
D) jim jimmery jim jimmery jim jism for you.
E) Vanilla ice cream.
F) A big fat cock a la mode.

Just Get Over the Bump Day, and It'll Be All Right

Fwew! Wednesday. Wonderful Wednesday. In my mouth. The implications are enough to cause a centipede to trip over itself. Staggering, I tell you. Whoo. Okay. Time to, well, you know.

A) A big dog's oat-tote
B) Eugene's sick habit of mocking shark-attack victims
C) Several tiny but oh-so expensive cookies
D) The new Joe Rogan-hosted show Animal Penis Factor, where the contestants have to eat the johnsons of several different endangered species within a predetermined time limit. Anyone who pukes is forced to re-ingest the vomitus at gunpoint, and the prize for the winner is a packet of Alka-Seltzer and a punch to the back of the head while Joe bugles, "Congratulations, shitcake."
E) Hot dog cake a la mode
F) A spooch on the rocks, with the "rocks" actually seminal fluid frozen in ice cube trays
G) Several tiny but oh-so expensive fetid, pulsating cocks

3 for 2sday!

As my Japanese friend would say, "We ale arr so rucky to leceive a THILD instarrment of GWiMMRN!" Luck has nothing to do with it, though. You are all benefiting from my generosity, not simple good fortune. You're welcome. Now, guess:

A) Several dozen faxes about my FECES
B) One of those huge roasted turkey legs you get at the Renaissance Fair, unfortunately dropped into a pile of cow chips before the first bite could be taken
C) All the pointing and laughing motherfuckers at the Fair who watched me pick it up and try to find a good place to eat off of it (I'll remember ALL OF YOU)
D) Eugene's spanky juices
E) The pulpy, DNA-rich root of the hair I plucked out of my face last night
F) The weird looks on the faces of my colleagues as I strove to include the words "pulpy" and "spank" into every conversation, combined with the illicit thrill I'll have tomorrow when I start on my "fetid" and "pulsating" kick
G) A pulpy, spanked cock

The GWiMMRN Word

I need very little introduction, other than soft acoustic guitar music played by a greasy haired hippie fucknose twat.

A) The L Word.
B) The M word.
C) The N Word.
D) The O Word.
E) The P word.
F) The big, fat cock. Word.

UPDATE: Although I just took an immensely satisfying dump, such that I now feel more relaxed and at ease with world events, it is not in my mouth right now. So please, stop faxing me about it.

Tuesday Morning MANIAC Edition of GWiMMRN

*CUE SLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC*

You know, at GWiMMRN, I strive to give you the most up-to-date news possible on my mouth and what may or may not go into it. Because I care. I really do. I care about you. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because you may end up in my mouth some day. And that's something to smile about.

So smile.

I said, smile.

SMILE, YOU FUCKNOSED COCKGOBBLING ASSMUNCH!

SMILE!

Thank you. Now, guess what's in my mouth right now.

*END SLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC*

A) The demonstrational cucumber used in health class to demonstrate to 11-year-olds how to properly put on a condom
B) The hot, painful boil on Tom Cruise's little-girl taint, quivering with eagerness to just burst, spraying hot yellow fluid all over Katie Holmes
C) Fergie's big ol' pee-stain
D) My pants, my pants, my little pee-stained pants! Check it out!
E) DOG FECES (It's making a comeback!)
F) A sizzring silroin, selved medium-lale fol the Japanese peopre
G) A big, fat, cucumbery cock

200 Is the Loneliest Number

Unless it's the 200th relentless mouthable! Hip hip Hoo-RAH!

To celebrate, I'll put something in my mouth! Now, you guess what it is!

A) The Real Mark Harmon's boiling anal wound.
B) Peppermint Preparation H, to put on said anal wound.
C) The feeling that there should be a Peppermint Preparation H, because the other kind tastes terrible.
D) An ergonomic student desk.
E) Chintzy wine glasses from World Market.
F) Winston Churchill, when he was Lord of the Admirality and stole those warships from the Turks. You know, in 1914. Fucknose.
G) A dirigible shaped cock, floating on a pair of hefty, hairy nutsacks, dripping fluids from the bow.

Monday Morning Edition of GWiMMRN

Okay, my little fucknoses, it's time to guess what's in my mouth right now on this fine, Monday morning. Like last night, it's an EDITION, not just another post, so save your stupid jokes and just guess, already. GUESS!

A) Katie Couric's stupid little elf-boots with her feet still in them
B) Justuś's śhame śpiral, śtarting with śelf-abuśe to ćopieś of Dog Fancy and ending with improperly lubrićiouś thoughtś about hiś handićapped, diaper-wearing, ećzema-ridden mother
C) Uncle Kracker!
D) A poodle puppy's vagina, all cute and pink and hairy
E) Baked brie with caramelized walnuts and slices of Granny Smith apples, all warm and gooey
F) Granny Smith, all warm and gooey
G) Justuś's ćhapped, bliśtered, little red ćoćk

Hard Jerkin', Hard Workin' Sunday Night Edition

Remember when GWiMMRN used to have "editions," like they were special sections of a news magazine? Remember, fucknose? I remember. I also used to remember what sunlight looked like but here I am, late on a fucking Sunday, stuffing crap into my mouth, working and jerking. Working at 10 p.m. on a Sunday is the worst thing...

Unless, you're stuffing stuff in there like there's no tomorrow! GWiMMRN!

A) Thtayplth.
B) Tape.
C) Thumb tacks, thumb side up.
D) A similicrum.
E) A big, fat cock, all the way to the ballth.

UPDATE: Suck it.

Which One of You Suckholes Wants to Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now?

Who is it gonna be? You? Ha! You couldn't guess what's in my mouth if you had binoculars, a flashlight, and all the time in the world.

But go ahead. Make me laugh.

A) ))<>((
B) Back and forth, the same poop, forever.
C) Me and You and Everyone We Know, the extended DVD version, with appropriate fecal stains.
D) Daisydoo's butt-clenching sanctimony.
E) A crispy elephant ear.
F) The sisters who are doing for themselves.
G) A Texas Faggott, which is o.k.
H) A big, fat, omygoodnessitsgonnachokeyou cock.

Jesus Is Lord, Especially on Sundays, Except in My Mouth

My mouth accepts no authority higher than itself, so Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and all the rest of them can just go scratch. They know who the boss is. My MOUTH. That's right.

So now you know. And, as G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle. What they never told you, though, is that the other half of the battle is guessing what's in my mouth right now:

A) The pubic hairs of all of the Desperate Housewives cast, except for Bree Vandekamp's, because I'm just not going to put her red-pink little follicles in my mouth
B) A full-scale doghair sculpture of Rodin's The Thinker, held together with Preparation H scooped out of every mother-lovin' inch of Larry "Bud" Melman's starfish
C) The remote control for the VCR that you lost a few years ago
D) The ambiguity implicit in C): which did you lose, the remote or the VCR? Oooo! The implications!
E) The reply that was on the tip of my tongue when the loudmouthed waitress at Old Chicago bellowed to another waitress: "HEY, WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?" ("Cream of Shut the Fuck Up")
F) The nickname my wife gave to the annoying, bellowing, waitress that had a really horrible laugh ("The Horse Giggler")
G) Rodin's big, fat cock