Have a Happy, Flappy Christmas, Right INTO MY MOUTH

That's right! I'll be giving you the TRUE words to common Christmas songs over the next few weeks to prepare you for the TRUE meaning of the holiday. You'll thank me later, at least until you've guessed what's in my mouth right now:

A) The green foam inside a can of Fix-A-Flat, mixed with the thin, yellowish diarrhea of a dysentery sufferer to make a tasty mayonnaise substitute
B) Two slices of moldy white bread ruthlessly stolen from a homeless woman who'd been using them as tampons
C) Necrotic strips of muscle fiber sliced from a dead leper's back
D) A beefsteak tomato rescued from a warm summer spent in one of Oprah Winfrey's fat rolls
E) The loose leaves of Boston Bibb lettuce I used to regularly wipe my ass with when I was working in the produce department of a local store you used to shop in. And you thought it was only dirt so you just rinsed it off a little, you shit eater
F) A BLT!
G) Heath Ledger's big, fat, pudding-covered cock ruthlessly stolen from Jake Gyllenhall's asshole