The Masses CHEER for My Mouth

There are some readers out there who are so obviously not focusing on my mouth that it's not even funny. Not. Even. Funny. There are hundreds of millions of blogs on the Inter-Web, but only ONE is dedicated not to stupid stories about children, or relationships, or bizarre confessionals, or anything else so incredibly trite and banal that you could ossify into a stone statue just by reading about them. That blog is this one: GWiMMRN. Get that through your thick skull. FOCUS. FOCUS on my MOUTH. I'm on my last nerve here, so don't make me get out the Travis Frey marriage contract and have you sign it. Clear? Excellent. Here's a refresher course: I've put something in my mouth. Can you guess what it is?

A) Watermellon bubblisious (sic)
B) A watermellon bubblisious (sic) and shredded wheat shit pie, with a dollop of sour cream splattered all over the top
C) A gallon of alfredo sauce, sans fettucine, with little chunks of unchewed watermellon bubblisious (sic) suspended in the mass
D) A traffic jam caused by watermellon bubblisious (sic)
E) Several lobsters singing "Mammy" like Al Jolson and making tiny little sculptures out of chewed wads of watermellon bubblisious (sic)
F) That time we were in that strip joint in the Phillippines where the dancers would pick up stacks of coins with their snatches and you heated the top coin up with a lighter real good so that when the chick squatted over them and picked 'em up, she squealed and sprayed quarters all over the bar with a loud "thbbbbbbbbbbbbbt" *clink clink clink clink clink* sound like a big fleshy slot machine
G) A big, fat cock


Blogger Dr. Zachary Smith (FIRED) said...

OOOOoooOOO!! I LOVE Daisy Brand Sour Cream!

7:25 AM  
Anonymous I. Marcos said...

Yeah, I remember those strip joint days in the Phillippines. Those were the days.

I need more shoes.

7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*chew chew chew* this doesn't taste like watermellon *chew chew chew*

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the fuck does "watermellon" taste like?

7:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The shredded wheat shits are real pipe-destroyers, if you know what I'm saying.

7:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never would've guessed that there even WAS such a thing as a lobster minstrel show.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Lobsters said...

Stop essentializing us and celebrate our lobster-ethnic identities, for fuck's sake.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Goooooogle said...

There are 165,000 entries for "watermellon."

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, lobsters.

I...I didn't know.

Would a nice pot of boiling water, some Old Bay seasoning, and a ramekin of melted butter make it up to you?

11:09 AM  
Blogger Tu s. Tin said...

Hey!!!!!!how did MY gum get in YOUR mouth?!?!

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Lobster Minstrel Show said...


12:14 PM  

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