GWiMMRN, Huge Hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid Saturday After THANKSGIVING Edition

Okay. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to guess what's in my mouth right now. You have to go for the gold. You have to catch this hail-Mary pass and run it all the way for the game-winning oral touchdown. Failure is not an option. Here are your choices:

A) An extra-large tube of store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream, needed to relieve the agony of post-Thanksgiving stool strain (mostly empty)
B) An Applebee's moist towelette, sneaked from the back room of the restaurant and repurposed as an applicator for the store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream
C) What I later found under my fingernail when I realized that the towelette tore under the pressure
D) The deepest, darkest erotic fantasies that Cheryl Kratic of Peculiar, Missouri would never ever reveal to her husband (they involve an Easy Bake Oven, a live badger, and a bottle of Astroglide)
E) A fried egg sandwich on a hamburger bun with extra bacon and a dash of Cholula sauce
F) Dora the Explorer's big, fat, lesbian cock