I can't tell you how exciting it is for Christmas to be so near. I get to put all sorts of things into my mouth, sanctioned by God Himself! Once you hear the true story of Christmas, you'll have no choice but to kneel and worship at the feet of my mouth, if my mouth had feet. Those religious jitbags tell you that Jesus is the reason for the season, but they wouldn't know true Godhood if it came right up and bit off the adorable little ass hairs near their starfishes! Enough ranting. Get on with the guessing of what's in my mouth right now:

A) Three pounds of candied pussy pemmican to be fed to all the Christmas carolers that will come to my door
B) A nicely chilled glass of eggnog, except that the "egg" is actually a dying cigarette smoker's gobs and strings of yellow sputum, and the "nog" is curdled clots of really old spooch. I won't tell you what the "nutmeg" is sprinkled on top, but it has a lot to do with this popular doughnut topping, so it's not really eggnog at all, but something unimaginably horrible
C) Vomited figgy pudding, whatever the fuck that is
D) The manger little JC first slept in, a gen-u-wine HOLEE relic
E) A cast of the Virgin Mary's pudendal sphincter made of soft, moisture-resistant foam rubber so every man can feel like Joseph for a night
F) The terrible certainty that I shall be spending the rest of eternity in Gehenna
G) Santa's big, fat elfy cock


Anonymous Oft Abused Elf said...

O no! here come's santa again!

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is the Xmas revelation? I've been waiting for it.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Christmas Caroler said...

I thought that "beef jerky" tasted funny.

The eggnog was pretty good, though. A bit...thick.

2:24 PM  
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