My Mouth Encompasses All Holidays

Even though I've been making much of Christmas of late, it's important to realize that my mouth, in its wonder, engulfs all holidays, from Hanukkah to Kwaanza. Light the candles and distribute the gifts, because you're going to have to guess...what's...inmymouthrightnow!

A) The oft-heard boardroom phrase, "Come on, now: my dick's not going to suck itself."
B) A tender sprig of parsley used as a garnish for a delicious dish of tomatoes and mozzarella cheese on toast points
C) A small pile of the tweezed-off adorable little ass hairs near Jessica Alba's starfish, ready to be snorted through a rolled-up Benjamin
D) A furiously-abused towelrack, dunked into the tomatoe juice
E) Buttery red wine with a dollop of spat-out man-custard in a shotglass
F) Eugene's nutsack, slapped really hard with a tennis racket so that he truly experiences balls in flight
G) lola's nutsack, slapped gently with Abner Louima's cocoa plunger so that she truly experiences splintery, shit-stained balls in flight
H) A sick Sesame Street, complete with a Big Bird sporting an immense erection
I) Eugene's teensy li'l peepee, all red and sore


Anonymous Anonymous said...

2 points for toast! HUZZAH!

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Mme. Parlsey Sprig said...

OOO! I am thusly tender. heeheeheehee!

8:22 AM  
Blogger Eugene said...

These attacks on my person will not be tolerated. Unless it's art, that you're doing.

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here comes santa claus here comes santa claus right down santa claus lane!

8:36 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

Some people call them attacks on your person. I call them, "Eugene's anemic little balls in flight."

8:50 AM  
Anonymous J. Alba said...







9:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That last one must've been a big one.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Eugene's Teensy Li'l Peepee said...

I'm all red and sore!

11:46 AM  
Anonymous A. Louima said...

Did I ever tell you what I said when the plunger went in for the first time?

I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh boy."

11:53 AM  
Blogger Reese Witherspoon, America's Sweetheart said...



oh. Oh bOy. I'll need a towel for sure.

Excuse me.


1:54 PM  
Anonymous Biggie Smalls's Final Bowel Movement said...

I got all y'all need, Reese baby.

Lemme crawl into your diaper and make you feel GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"in the nuts?

the family jewels man...."

(ten points and a suck if you know what film thats from)

4:55 PM  

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