Early New Year's Resolution

I've already made my New Year's resolution. Wanna know what it is? 'Cause I'm a gonna tell ya!

It's to stuff stuff in my mouth and dare people to guess what's in there! Hooray! TOUCHDOWN! SHARK! SHARK! Flapflapflap! It will never fucking end!


A) The coke side of life.
B) Kangaroo pouch slime.
C) The horrible answer to the question of what happens to the feces/urine of the joey of a mother kangaroo while it sits in the pouch: "the joey’s waste is neither absorbed nor expelled, it is licked and consumed by the mother kangaroo."
D) The horrible American equivalent to the kangaroo pouch.
E) Alternative meats.
F) The sudden decision to become a vegetarian after reading about that horrible BLT.
G) Brokedick Cowboy Cock.

UPDATE: The answer could possibly be H) The enormous turd that my sphincter and colon, working in tandem, literally chewed to small, passable shitlets because otherwise, that fecal beast would never have left. Whew. Or it could be I) The abdominal muscle cramps from such strenuous twisting and turning on the toilet trying to wrestle that monster out of there.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I kid you not, I'm passing along the alternative meats site to my wife so she can get me a party pack for my birthday.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It will never fucking end!"

That's the most reassuring thing I've read all year.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous E. Normous Turd said...

Don't think I wasn't EXTREMELY unhappy about the destructive partnership of your sphincter and colon. I had achieved the kind of greatness heroes DREAM of, and those two jerks, combined with all your wriggling and squirming, literally tore me apart. I'm going to petition the U.N. to see if I can bring all three of you to trial for war crimes.

I'M not the monster here. YOU are.

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "bacon" in that BLT wasn't the only horrible thing. Are you going to forego eating bread, tomatoes, and lettuce, also?

Especially now that you know you've tasted someone's shit.

10:41 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

YOU are the monster, Mr. Normous Turd! YOU are. You and your enormous girth would have languished in my colon, causing me back pain.

I did the only humane thing I could. And that was to chew you out of my system. My sphincter and colon are HEROES and will receive a Brown Star for their efforts.

My mouth doesn't recognize your judicial system, anyway. We play by our own rules.

11:13 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

By the way, it was well more than two jerks that were necessary. I counted at least 15 or 20 jerks and various other contortions of my torso before I blanked out momentarily by the strain. Yes, I saw stars, blacked out, and re-awakened, gladly realizing that you were vanquished.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Elvis, The King, AKA the Carjacker Gourmet said...

Y'all better watch out for that kinda thing, uh-huh. That'll knockya inta the next life.

Gimme onea them penisbutter an' naner sammiches, uh-huh.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

I choose E
Specifically the Boar and Apple combo...should be good.
Let us know , once you've tasted it..whether or not it tastes like chicken!!!!!
Alligator meat does. :-)
So do Frogs legs...
my mouth to yours....ack

6:38 AM  
Anonymous E. Normous Turd said...

Kiss kiss to Michele and all my fans!

I'll get you yet, sphincter and colon! Mark my turds!

7:23 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

You have been vanquished, Mr. Normous Turd, and my colon is now safe from your tyranny.

I sphincter and colon have gone above and beyond the call of doody.

8:28 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home