2/20/06

GWiMMRN, Coach Class Sucks the Big Rat's Dick Edition

There's nothing quite like airline travel these days. I love it, because it gives me the opportunity to put things in my mouth that can't be found anywhere else. Thomas Fries, ACT-Urine Multitask Spectacular, and Abner Louima's "Cocoa Plunger" are a dime a dozen. The things which I may have in my mouth right now are SPECIAL. Can you guess? what? is? in? my? mouth? right? now?

A) The fat, endlessly-fidgeting bull dyke in the seat next to me on the way in that irritated me so much by her shifting around and chattering to her fellow muff-muncher that I literally shat myself in anger
B) The withered old man in the seat next to me on the way home who took up both armrests and kept leaning against me while I was trying to read
C) A drinks cart that shaved the first few layers of flesh from my elbow
D) The cretinous stewardess that kept opening soda cans so close to my face that my hair got lacquered to wooden stiffness by a combination of carbonated sugar and nutrasweet
E) The thirteen-year-old girl in the other aisle seat who was reading an article in Cosmopolitan about how to make sex far more pleasurable for your man
F) The hard slap of dread that hit me when I realized that this website, combined with teenage girls' access to articles about giving really good blowjobs, is contributing to the overall downfall of society
G) The high-pitched "heeheeheeheeheehee!" titter I let out as I sat there in my own cold shit
H) The angry glares from flight crew and fellow passengers alike as everyone realized that they were going to have to live with the smell of my unspeakably befouled britches for hours to come
I) An obstinate refusal to go to the aft lavatory to "clean myself up a little"
J) A big, fat pilot's cock with cool sunglasses on it

UPDATE: The answer may actually be K) Complaints about my treatment, even though I know nobody cares about that. Nobody.

UPDATE UPDATE: *squibbbb*

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's no squibbing out a dooky blast. NO. WAY. TO. DO. THAT.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Airline, The Movie Credits said...

Hair by Coca-Cola.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't the fecal matter harden and cause your butt cheeks to stick together? That's the worst part. When it hardens and then your butt gets chafed.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I... I'd like to... uh, hear about your treatment here. I do. I've been horribly treated recently.

8:49 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

Shut up about your treatment. Just shut up about it. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.

WE DON'T CARE.

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Smelly, Fat Butch Dyke Sitting Next to You said...

Did you just...just SHIT YOURSELF?

STEWARDESS! HEL-LOOOO!

THIS GUY HERE JUST TOOK A BIG SHIT IN HIS PA-ANTS!!!

Oh my GOD! STEWARDESS! I'D LIKE TO MOVE MY SEAT!

JESUS CHRIST, YOU STINK!

9:09 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

FOCUS.

9:10 AM  
Blogger El Capitan said...

MY PENIS REMAINS TRIUMPHANT, DESPITE HIS MANY CRITICS.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I shit myself once.

On an airplane.

When I was alone.

Oh God.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Dr. Zachary Smith (FIRED) said...

OOOOOooooo! I was on a plane that got lost in space, don't you know? Yes, lost with only a stupid Robot to care for my carnal desires. oooooOOOO!

11:05 AM  
Blogger Tu s. Tin said...

I care!

2:41 PM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

Complaints about your treatment will be properly filed in the sierra charlie.

Nobody wants to hear about your treatment. Nobody.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Philosopher Newport said...

how do you know she was 13?
why not 12 or 14?
what criteria did you use?
not being a pervert here, just a concerned citizen.

yes.

3:38 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

FOCUS. FOCUS on my mouth.

I'm not doing this for my health. Just FOCUS.

4:19 AM  

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