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GWiMMRN

FOCUS.

GWiMMRN, Fuck All of You Edition

That's my sentiment; fuck all of you. I've given you over a year to focus, a year to make something of yourselves, and look at you. You're treading water. You are the same non-focusing a-holes you've always been and, I have now concluded, always will be.

You are really, really unworthy of salvation. Really unworthy.

I was going to quit in October, the anniversary of my appearance on the World Wide Web. I was like the Jesus of the Internet, coming to save your sorry asses from yourselves. My Grand Fucking Plan (MGFP) was to liberate humanity from their non-focusing ways, from their inability to pay attention -- even for one second -- to something other than whatever unimportant minutiae they currently focus on. To do so, I asked you, everyday, to GWiMMRN (Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now)...

AND YOU FAILED. You failed your Savior and you have now failed yourselves. Lazarus could only be brought back once. I can't bring you back again. I was going to give you one year, but out of the kindness of my heart, I extended your chance for Redemption.

So, this is it. Your last chance before I go on an extended HIATUS from which I may never return.

Guess. Guess what's in my mouth right now.

GUESS DAMN YOU! GUESS! GUESS!! GUESS!!!!

A) The color yellow, successfully explained to a blind man who has never, ever seen the light of day.
B) The yellow I am curious about.
C) Roy G. Biv's macrocolorspectrometer.
D) A moisty turtle-turd sandwich with pimento loaf and drizzled Choeropsis leberiensis sperm all over it.
E) Terri Schiavo's dying wish.
F) A big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, The Living End Edition

I keep threatening it and threatening it and one day I'll pull the plug on this damned website and then where will you be? It will be the Living End for all of you.

You think this is easy? I'm doing all of this FOR YOU. I stuff things in my mouth and all you have to do -- for an easy shot at redemption and salvation -- is for you to guess what's in there. It's so simple a BLIND PERSON could do it.

So, here it is, maybe your last chance. GWiMMRN:

A) A badly burned earlobe from answering the iron when the phone rang.
B) A dog leash with no dog attached.
C) Corduroy, which is Helen Keller's favourite color.
D) Burnt fingers from reading the waffle iron.
E) Helen Keller's dog, which is named "Urghrrghrghr."
F) A big, fat blind one eyed trouser snake.

Spring Cleaning, Pre-Winter Solstice GWiMMRN Edition Edition Edition

It's never too early for spring cleaning!

GWiMMRN:

A) Dust bunnies.
B) Playboy bunnies.
C) The 10 a.m. coffee shits.
D) Dirigidibibbles.
E) Lots of stuff I have no need for but some how have accumulated a shit load of.
F) A morass of ass.
G) A big fat doofus penis cock thing whatever.

GWiMMRN, Post-Thanksgiving Uncle Ned Edition

Yes, the Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 was all that was cracked up to be. Truly a train-wreck of gastronomical proportions. Now, the wreckage. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) That Uncle Ned managed to get the whole turkey, piping hot from the oven, half-way up his ass before we caught him.
B) That after we forceably extracted the hot turkey from his bleeding and badly, badly burned rectum, we forgot which end of the turkey was up his ass.
C) Some unpleasant joking around the table about whether we were eating the "Uncle Ned" end of the turkey.
D) The blood and pubic hair all over my plate, which answered my question.
E) That all the drugs produced by Astrazeneca could not erase my memory of that Day.
F) Uncle Ned's very insincere apology, especially after he spent 45 minutes berating himself for not thinking to use the turkey gravey as a lubricant.
G) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving "I'll See Your Sorry Ass When I Get There" Spectacular Edition

Don't be a spectator when it comes to guessing what's in my mouth right now.

Exercise your rights and what's left of your integrity and GWiMMRN:

A) Uncooked turkey gibbblets.
B) The song, "My balls, my balls, my balls are on fire. We don't need no water let the m*th*rf*ck*r burn!"
C) Bactine!
D) Cranberry sauce, but instead of cranberries, it's made entirely of vegetable oil and uncooked turkey gibbblets.
E) That hair that sits on your keyboard like an unwanted child left at school after their parents forgot to pick them up from soccer practice.
F) Inflammable flappables.
G) A big, fat c*ck.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Blasphemy Sunday Extra-Vaganza!

Don't doubt the awesome power of My Mouth. Don't doubt it for a second. And this Thanksgiving Day 2006, you will know the power of My Mouth because... because... because... because of all the wonderful things it does!

GWiMMRN:

A) The Buddha's balls, all golden and glowing.
B) The Fart of the Century, which took place around 3:45 p.m. yesterday after a whole lot of spinach dip.
C) The Sacred Cow hidden in each McDonald's Big Mac.
D) Sod.
E) DoCtURd iNFIniTy! and his recent scifi-majikal trip to Uranus.
F) *ungh ungh ungh!* special sauce *whew*
G) A big fat winning cock.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 Edition

We here at the offices of GWiMMRN, Inc. are anticipating a Monumental Thanksgiving Day Fiasco for this Thanksgiving Day 2006. In anticipation of this horrible event, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Last year's Thanksgiving Day Fiasco.
B) All the horrible things that happened after Thanksgiving 2005.
C) Tits.
D) A National Conversation about ___________ [insert your tongue here).
E) A big fiasco cock.

*burp* I'M WATCHING YOU

It's true, you know. All of it.

Guess what's in my mouth right now.

A) 70% coverage when a certain someone told me it would be 100%.
B) The wily hog-cats of southwestern Alabama.
C) Meoink! Meoink!
D) The fine line between being lied to and being told something that wasn't true.
E) Chocolate-Macadamia Nut Coffee that tastes like boiled dog foreskins mushed through Alabama Pete's dirty backdoor windowscreen and swizzled through the the only two teeth Pete's got left in his disgustingly neglected unbrushed gingivitis-infested mouth.
F) Sophisticated surveillance pictures of you and yours.
G) Veg.
H) A big fat surveilled cock.

UPDATE: The answer is probably I) The unexpected and very welcome return of lola, whose new puppy will probably provide the closest thing to unconditional love and affection that she'll ever get. Hope all continues to go well in the life of GWiMMRN's first loyal and most beloved reader.

The 525th "I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up" Edition of GWiMMRN

*urp*

GWiMMRN:

A) A headache.
B) The thought, "It's so fucking HOT in here."
C) Nausea, and not the pleasant kind.
D) Arm-pit sweats, not mine.
E) A weird smell, like nail polish mixed with horrible body odor.
F) A big fat cheese covered cock.