11/1/05

I Not Only Eat Faggots, But OTHER Things, as Well...

Faggot eating is AWESOME! Nothing like a good hot faggot on a chilly autumn afternoon. Reminds me of Nigel's stories of eating his Auntie Frannie. And Welsh rarebit. And Welsh rabbit penises. So, anyway, in addition to phaggits, what else have I got in my mouth? I mean, right now?

A) A Solar-Powered Super SIN-FLUTE
B) Mr. Brain's brains, faggoty or otherwise
C) A homeless man's wine-laced diarrhea, Listerine, and urine multitask spectacular all over the pavement
D) Anna Nicole Smith's armpit, slathered in just enough baby oil to facilitate my pleasure
E) A Baby Ruth candy bar mostly submerged in a bowl of custard (I'll let you guess what KIND of custard)
F) The aforementioned Applebee's moist towelette, now re-repurposed after its business with Jessica Alba's starfish to swab the delicate, puckery skin near Sarah Beeny's taint
G) A big, fat coq au vin

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is NEVER enough baby oil.

To use the SIN-FLUTE, do you have to leave it in the sun all day?

2:21 PM  
Anonymous Appalbees said...

Because some of our customers are mis-using the moist towlettes, we are removing them from our stores. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

I mean, if it wasn't for a few sick fucks out there, you could have all the moist towlettes you want, but NO, because you twisted a-holes on this site are obsessed with starfish hunting, we have to pull the most useful thing we have in our crappy restaurant.

Jerks.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Go all the way to LOUISIANA, Nigel! YEEEEARGH!"
-- Aunt Francine

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Nigel Hollingsworth said...

Dear sir:

I find your constant mischaracterization of my Aunt Francine to be at least as distasteful as Mr. Applebee finds the repurposing of his "moist towelettes." I beseech you to stop, for the love of God, if not for the love of my Auntie Frannie's vulva.

Yours truly,

Nigel Cocksucker Hollingsworth

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Nigel Hollingsworth said...

To whom it may concern:

I take great offense that someone has, on your website, appropriated my Christian name and provided me with an insulting and unnecessary middle moniker. Indeed, whoever has done so is an impostor, a cad, and a bounder, and I shall demand satisfaction from him on the field of battle when I catch him.

Good Day, sir.

Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The levees broke! The levees broke! OOOOOOOOG!"
-- Aunt Francine

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey u r penisbrans and coksuckers yeah keep up the stuff i luv u aunt francine you desicated hore.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Nigel Hollingsworth said...

Dear "anonymous":

I will thank you to keep from insulting Auntie Frannie in such a way; the woman was FAR from dessicated. Indeed, she was quite...succulent, and far from a prostitute of any kind.

In addition, I would appreciate it if you would have the common courtesy to at spell my middle name properly.

Yours truly,

Nigel Cocksucker Hollingsworth

6:17 PM  
Anonymous Nigel Hollingsworth said...

To whom it may concern:

Once again, it has been brought to my attention that an individual has been appropriating my name, in part, and attributing things to me which I, as the TRUE Nigel Hollingsworth, have not and would not say. I refuse to rise to the bait of your petty taunts, and I hope that you will all refrain from mentioning me or my Aunt Francine ever again.

Good Day, sir.

Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth

6:20 PM  

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