To Whom It May Concern:

For two days in a row now, I have entered the upstairs lavatory to find that the commode has been unspeakably befouled. As I am the first to arrive in the morning, it's my understanding that the abomination perpetrated in and on the toilet has taken place the day before.

Both Tuesday and this morning, I have been kind enough to give the commode several flushes so that no other human being has to experience such an unholy horror. This is a courtesy that the perpetrator of this befoulment has yet to bestow upon us. I will not attempt to describe either the sight or smell of it, but you may rest assured that no human language can encompass the feeling of utter loathing such an experience engenders.

There are three possible conclusions one can come to, when faced with such appalling behavior:

1) A homeless man has somehow snuck into the building and made it his home.
2) The toilet backs up only at night.
3) Someone employed here is suffering significant abdominal trouble, combined with an utter and total lack of regard for any other human being in the universe.

I find 1) to be highly unlikely. 2) is less likely, but not impossible. I shall assume that 3) is the proper answer until evidence is presented that either 1) or 2) is actually correct.

To paraphrase a popular cliche, "Defecate on me once, shame on you. Defecate on me twice, shame on me." I have shunned the upstairs lavatory, and will not use it again until it has been thoroughly sanitized by our cleaning staff. I find it personally very upsetting to be subjected to the end products of another person's digestion in this way, and if I had any sort of legal recourse, you can be sure that I would right now be discussing the matter with an attorney.

I am now speaking to the individual responsible for this fecal fiasco: if you possess the least iota of humanity at all, you will make sure that your #2's are completely disposed of before leaving the upstairs bathroom.

Thank you for your attention.




Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, are we supposed to guess what's in your mouth right now, or... or what? I'm... I'm a little confused, is all.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous The Mystery Dumper said...

I have what is called "Reverse Irritable Bowel Syndrome," or RIBS.

It's when you eat a lot of BBQ and then take a messy, horrific, and bestial dump all over the toilet. Trick is, it's my dump that makes OTHER PEOPLE irritable! Hence, the Reverse Irritible Bowel Syndrome.

They call it a "syndrome" much in the same sense as the Helsinki Syndrome. By befouling the lavatory, I am, in effect, kidnapping people who just want to go to the bathroom. By doing this day after day after day after day, my captives come to identify with me and my cause.

You will be happy to know that whatver it is that I'm eating right now will be your early morning surprise tomorrow.



1:36 PM  
Anonymous Semi-Homeless Man said...

Once again, I find this website offending me and homeless people everywhere. First, you think that I would carry a bottle of my own URINE in an apple juice container with me on the bus, an accusation that I have rebutted many times already.

Now, you think that if a homeless man would live in your office, that HE would be the one to befoul the urinal. How preposterous! Do you assume that homeless people just leave "fecal fiascos" willy-nilly? Do you assume we have no shame, no pride, no sense of common decency?

Shame on YOU, sir. Shame. On. YOU.

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have ribs, too.

1:44 PM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

Look, you semi-homeless CRETIN: I'm sick and tired of having to deal with your fecal matter. What the hell is wrong with you? Haven't you heard of a "courtesy flush?"

I guess eating out of dumpsters and carrying around your own URINE in a bottle on the bus makes you loose in the bowels.

Piss-carrier. If there's any shame to be had here, it should be shifted onto YOUR dirt-caked shoulders.

Get a job.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous The Upstairs Toilet said...

help me

o god please



2:07 PM  
Anonymous Your Trade Magazine said...

I still can't believe that you left me to die in the upstairs bathroom.

You... you BASTARD.

2:43 PM  

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