6/27/06

GWiMMRN, Toilet-Ruining BASTARD Edition

Okay, I've got a pretty good idea of who it was. You know who you are, you bastard. Next time, do a courtesy flush so that your gluey, evil-smelling stool doesn't stay in the bowl all fucking night and stain the porcelain for the rest of the week. I can't use that bathroom now. CAN'T. And it's your fault. We're living in a society here, you know? This edition of GWiMMRN goes out to you, my dear colleague:

A) Whatever it was you must've eaten the day before
B) Your steady diet of meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat
C) A colon that would wear out seventeen test-tube scrubbers and 53,982 servings of oatmeal to clean
D) A supreme sense of obliviousness, combined with a lack of consideration for other human beings a sociopath would envy
E) A shocked cry of "Oh, my GOD," followed by a held nose, a quick flush, and a hasty retreat to the downstairs bathroom
F) The trade magazine I left in there and don't plan to retrieve any time soon
G) A big, fat cock that must've occupied your diseased, shit-smeared anus before you let fly into the bowl, you dirty, dirty shitter, you

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it would be a mistake to use test-tube scrubbers to clean someone's colon.

It would hurt and even if it didn't, the scrubbers are too small to get up in there.

For THAT guy, though, I suggest using a good ol' fashioned toilet scrubbing brush. Just ram it up there and let the Almighty sort it out.

7:13 AM  
Anonymous The Mystery Dumper said...

Heh heh heh. My distaste for humanity knows no bounds. One day, I will befriend you, and then I'll be asked over for dinner at your house.

The whole day before that dinner, I will eat nothing but meat and cheese. And I will display a supreme sense of discipline by not taking a dump at work.

No, I will wait for that dinner at your house. Then, right before dinner, I will excuse myself for a moment. Then, I will unleash an unholy trinity of farts, fecal matter, and Lord knows what else into your unsuspecting toilet bowl.

AND I WON'T FLUSH THAT ONE, EITHER.

HA HA HA HA HAAAA!

7:17 AM  
Anonymous Trade Magazine said...

How could you abandon me like that? You sonofabitch! I'm DYING in here!

DYING!

7:19 AM  
Anonymous A big, fat cock said...

Don't bring ME into this.

7:20 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

I'm very upset over this.

VERY.

UPSET.

FOCUS, you cockgobblers. FOCUS.

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last night I built a fully functional anus out of Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs.

8:35 AM  
Anonymous The Mystery Dumper said...

I am the evil that men doo-doo.

8:38 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

There's no way you're going to dinner at my house.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

And if I were you, I'd see a doctor. You have a real problem there, and need help.

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean I have to go to YOUR house to get MY dick sucked in YOUR mouth on MY time with YOUR baby wipes and MY jizz on YOUR face?

That's... that's just unbelievable.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous The Cleaning Crew said...

Ay, caramba!

That is the worst mess I've ever seen! He even got shit on the rim and the underside of the seat! It must have been some kind of horrible fecal EXPLOSION in here or something!

DIOS MIO!

I quit. I...I just can't deal with this. It's like he was eating ten pounds of Elmer's glue on top of fifty rare steaks covered in gorgonzola cheese.

*BBBBLORRRRRRRRRPPPPP*

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many flushes does it take to get to the bottom of a shit-encrusted bowl?

1... 2... 3...

*BLLLLOOORRRRrrPPP*

1:18 PM  
Anonymous Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN said...

"Once again, I'm called upon to rebut false statements-"

"Oh, wait."

"You weren't talking about me today."

"Sorry."

"Just to be safe, I'm going to tell you to GROW UP."

"So GROW UP."

"Sorry to interrupt."

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How does the Tinker Toy and Lincoln Log anus work?

1:26 PM  
Anonymous A. Louima said...

Excuse me.

I have a problem with the first comment posted here. The one about the "toilet scrubbing brush" and "the Almighty."

I find it to be in very, very poor taste.

Extremely terribly bad.

I would like an apology as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Abner Louima

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lil' Abner,

I'll bet they didn't even bother to clean the plunger before they rammed it up your poop-schute.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous

p.s. Oooooooohhhhh boy

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, first you take a bunch of Tinker Toys and interconnect them like so.

Then, you use the Lincoln Logs to simulate the defecation experience.

Sometimes, when I'm feelin' fancy, I use a steam operated robot to shoot the Lincoln Logs through the Tinker Toy anus.

I'm not feeling so fancy today, but I might tomorrow.

Right after I drink a bottle of Elmer's glue and shit out my steak tar-tar and cheese blintz dinner into the company WC.

P.S. I wiped my shit stained hands all over the door handles to the bathroom, for the obvious effect.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Dios said...

Don't bring ME into this.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

I don't visit for awhile and the place has gone all stinky.
I can't focus on your mouth today, fumes are making my eyes water.

Plunger is an over used tool anyway. I like Roto-Rooter.

7:51 PM  

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