6/28/06

GWiMMRN, Optometry Edition

Right now, my eyes are dilated. I look like Mickey Mouse, strung out on coke.

Right now, I have something WONDERFUL in my mouth. Guess what it is:

A) Sunglasses.
B) Yellow dye.
C) Meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat.
D) Floodpants.
E) That Star Jones Reynolds is leaving The View, and how much I don't give a fuck about that.
F) My phone sex stage name, "Hot Carl." Hello, this is Hot Carl... to whom am I speaking?
G) Nancy Drew, in all her glory.
H) Big, big, big, fat, and cock.

14 Comments:

Blogger El Capitan said...

MY PENIS SKULL-FUCKED THE BONES OF ELEANOR ROOSEVELT IN A FIT OF PIQUE.

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what that one link has to do with sunglasses.

I saw a ta-ta.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous S. Jones said...

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT GOBBLE MY FORMERLY GIGANTIC ASS CHEEKS STOP IT

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, that spawn of a diseased hyena did it AGAIN. Gluey, nasty shit splattered all over the bowl and still floating in chunks on the water.

Filthy, disgusting, cheese and meat-eating fuckface.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like the Flood Pants girl to give me a Hot Carl all day long until her colon pops like a deflated balloon animal.

Is there anything wrong with that? Care to respond?

9:25 AM  
Blogger El Capitan said...

MY PENIS: NOW MORE THAN EVER.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous The Mystery Dumper said...

HA HA HA HAAAA! I ate a whole box of Hostess Cupcakes right before a meal of raw eggs and a half dozen Carl's Jr. 6 Dollar Chili Cheeseburgers.

Oh, I hung onto that gooey mass inside my colon for what seemed like an eternity. Waiting for the right moment.

And then... KABOOM! There wasn't even any toilet paper so I had to use the back of my shirt to clean up.

Oh, did it stink. You wouldn't believe the Devil foul stench that fumed out of my rectum like steam from a powerful locomotive. WOOO WOOO! Chugga chugga chugga chugga WOOO WOOOOOO!

HA HA HA! This is the most fun I've EVER had!

9:50 AM  
Anonymous The Man from F.E.C.E.S. said...

I doubt the Mystery Dumper's tacit claim that he loves me, or anyone else in the world.

I really doubt that.

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Barbara Walters said...

I think it's vewwy vewwy unfowtunate that Staw Jones Weynowds has decided to weave the show in such a pubwic and aggwessive manneh.

That fowmewy fat cow can wick my haiwy snatch!

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Homosexual Phone Sex Customer said...

Uh, hello?

Can I speak to...

Hot Carl?

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Barbara Walters said...

Like my good friend Deroy Murdock, I have little time to dissipate the foul statements attributed to me on this equally foul website.

However, I will take a moment of my busy schedule to say that I do not write like I talk. I may have a speech impediment, but that does NOT carry over into my writing.

I think a hearty "Grow Up" will suffice.

So, "Grow Up!!!!"

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Cleveland Steamer said...

Hi, sorry but Hot Carl is not here today.

Would you like to talk to me?

Cleveland Steamer at your service.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous The REAL Star Jones Reynolds said...

Excuse me, readers.

My name is Star Jones Reynolds. Unlike the usual parade of imposters, poseurs, and generally disgusting people who frequent this website, I am the REAL Star Jones Reynolds.

Anyway, I would like for you all to know that the person purporting to be Barbara Walters in the comment directly preceding this one is most definitely NOT Barbara Walters.

The true Barbara Walters writes exactly like the way she speaks, transposing her r's and l's with w's so that you will know who you're corresponding with when she writes to you. I used to think it was funny and cute, but now I simply feel that it is pathetic.

In addition, I would like it known that in no way do I resemble a "shriveled horse testicle," and that I resent the comparison greatly. Clearly, the faux Barbara Walters couldn't afford to set up a .com website for such an accusation, and had to settle for a second tier .net website to make her sickening claims.

Her claims that others are in need of "growing up" are especially risible in light of the "shriveled horse testicle" website, and I hope that any sane or otherwise mature readers of this DISGUSTING corner of cyberspace would recognize that.

I feel I must repeat: I do not look like a "shriveled horse testicle," a "bloated horse testicle," a "horse testicle" of any kind, or a "testicle" at all. This is the first time in my life that I've had to rebut such an allegation, which should lend credence to my refutation.

In closing, I don't find any of this funny at all, and the real growing up around here has yet to be done. As my bestest buddy in the whole wide world Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of this DISGUSTING website would say, in between slurps of his salivating tongue against a dead weasel's diarrhea-clotted anus, "GROW UP."

I repeat, "GROW UP."

You really need to do some "GROWING UP" around here.

A lot.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

SJR

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Barbara Walters said...

Dear Gentle Readers,

I am truly sorry that the private disagreement between Star Jones and I has spilled over into the public domain. Much has been written about this and much of it is not true.

In correspondences, I have never transposed my r's and l's with w's. It is obvious to anyone who isn't a shriveled horse testicle that if they receive a letter signed by me, there is no need for me to also write in the manner of my unfortunate speech impediment.

As many secrets are now in the searing light of day, I must admit that this is not the first time that Star Jones Reynolds has been compared to a horse testicle. In fact, we here at The View often yell, "Hey, Horse Testicle, get your ugly ass over here" and Mrs. Reynolds would inquire as to what we want.

In closing, it is clear that SJR is a liar, an ingrate, and, when the world finally learns that SJR has a 3 inch penis to go along with two marble sized balls, making her a man in the strictest definition of the term, she will be a divorcee.

Sincerely yours,

BFW

P.S. Grow up, folks.

12:48 PM  

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