9/25/06

GWiMMRN, Closing in on the 500th Post Edition

We're Manheim Steamrolling right towards a X-Massy oblivion. What stands in the way between you and certain doom at the claws of enraged gerbils?

My Mouth and Guessing What's in My Mouth Right Now, of course!

So, knuckle up to the bar you wet-behind-the-ears primates and GWiMMRN:

A) 500 unread "Left Behind" books sitting on a shelf in the Plains, Iowa Wal-Mart.
B) 499 suck-asses all cheering for the same sports team.
C) 498 chipmunks writhing in agony.
D) 497 lb weight currently tied to my enormous testicles.
E) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE:

21 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this is a little off-topic, but I want EVERYONE to know that those nasty skid marks in the toilet bowl were there BEFORE I got there. Okay? Whatever I did in there did not create those skid marks.

Okay? BEFORE I got there. BEFORE.

Thanks. We can go back to the topic now.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous The Islamo-Fascist Jihad you left in the toilet Saturday around 12:45 p.m said...

ULLUUULULLLLUUUULLULULULUU!

ALLAHU AKBAR!

WE ISSUE A FATWA AGAINST THE PERSON OF THE BOOK WHO HAS RUDELY EXPELLED US FROM OUR RIGHTFUL LANDS!

ULLUUULULLLLUUUULLULULULUU!

8:39 AM  
Anonymous O.L.A.S.J.H.C. said...

I will buy the "Left Behind" books that no one has read.

If I died for your sins, this shouldn't be TOO difficult.

While I'm reading them, would you mind sucking my cock?

Thank you.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous 498 Chipmunks said...

Ow

owow

ouch

oh god this really hurts

jesus jesus why have you forsaken us

lordy lordy

bless our souls

never saw a chipmunk

with a torn asshole

until now

please god

this hurts

ow

8:54 AM  
Anonymous A. Canadian Bushbuck said...

G'day, eh.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm not someone in a bushbuck suit who's looking for a soapy handjob. I'm not.

It's just that my penis smells so much that I can hardly breathe, let alone see.

Could you help me wash it? That's all I'm asking for. If you washed my stinky, stinky penis, I'd be able to breathe and therefore sing the Canadian National Anthem.

PLEASE.

*gag*

8:56 AM  
Anonymous The Person of the Book said...

Your rightful land is not in my colon, you Islamo-Fascist Jihader.

By the way, yesterday I left a mini-jihad in the upstairs bathroom that was so buoyant that it took two flushes to sink. I'm guessing it had to soak up a lot of water before it would carry enough weight to fall to the bottom.

It was like I ate a steady diet of air and packing peanuts.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Jesus Christ Almighty said...

I AM NOT GAY.

I DO NOT KNOW WHO THIS O.L.A.S.J.H.C. IS, BUT FOR CERTAIN I LIKE WOMEN.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

BY THE WAY, CAN ANYBODY HERE BREAK A FIVE DOLLAR BILL? I NEED TO GET TO THE LOCAL WAL-MART AND THE BUS DRIVER WILL NOT MAKE CHANGE.

IF SOMEONE HERE COULD HELP ME OUT, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SIR? HOW ABOUT HELPING OUT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR BY BREAKING A FIVE SPOT FOR HIM.

COME ON FOLKS. I DIED FOR YOUR SINS. THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS DIG INTO YOUR POCKETS AND POCKETBOOKS AND SEE IF YOU CAN BREAK A FIVE DOLLAR BILL FOR ME.

THANKS. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

I GUARANTEE THAT IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULDN'T PISS ON YOU IF YOU WERE ON FIRE.

DICKWEASELS.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just getting over the kitten thing and the racist thing, but now you've gone on to offending my tender sensibilities with this horrible mocking of Jesus Christ.

I'm leaving now. You've definitely lost a reader this time.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are your enormous testicles actually SUPPORTING the 497 lb weight, or are they just tied to it?

There's a difference, you know. I mean, I can't even lift 497 lbs with my ARMS, but I could tie my testicles to a 497 lb weight without trouble, as long as I didn't have to lift it.

Know what I mean?

I need some closure here.

11:28 AM  
Anonymous The Dog Who Does Not Know How to Take a Shit said...

I know that today's "topic" doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but I'd still like to ask you a favor.

Please, just wash the bushbuck's stinky penis. PLEASE. It's just a dumb animal. The smell is even beginning to bother ME, a little. He's probably not the only bushbuck living a life of quiet desperation, wishing his penis didn't stink so damn much. Have some mercy. Wash it.

By the way, I'm taking a make-up test because I failed the last one in the "Shit Taking 101" class. Any help you could give me is deeply appreciated.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous 499 Suck-Asses said...

"GO TEAM!"

"RAH RAH RAH!"

"GROW UP!"

11:36 AM  
Anonymous 499 Other Suck-Asses said...

"TOSS THAT SALAD!"

"TOSS THAT SALAD!"

"GO TONGUE GO!"

"GROW UP FOR GOODNESS SAKES!"

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone else find it unpleasantly ironic that the "suck-asses," while acting in a most immature fashion, have the temerity to tell others to "grow up?"

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can we hear more about that wall?

I mean, you've been pretty non-specific about it.

I'd like to know.

You know?

:)...

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Jesus Christ Almighty said...

I SEE YOU, YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN ASKING ONE OF YOU TO BREAK A FIVE DOLLAR BILL. I SEE YOU LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW, OR AT YOUR FEET, HEAD DOWN AND AVOIDING MY GAZE.

I KNOW YOU HEAR ME. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. I EVEN KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU WHO ARE AVOIDING ME HAVE THE CHANGE THAT I NEED. IT'S JUST THAT YOU ARE TOO LAZY AND/OR TOO SELF-ABSORBED TO HELP OUT A STRANGER ON THE BUS WHO IS ASKING YOU TO CHANGE A FIVER.

NOW I HAVE TO PUT MY FIVE DOLLAR BILL INTO THE MONEY SLOT AND I DON'T NEED THAT MUCH TO GET TO THE LOCAL WAL-MART. I ONLY NEED ABOUT $1.25, AND NOW I WILL HAVE TO WASTE $3.75 TO GET THERE.

FOR THAT MONEY, I COULD HAVE BOUGHT YOU AND ME A COUPLE OF CANDY BARS.

WE COULD HAVE SAT ON THE BENCHES OUTSIDE OF THE WAL-MART, EATING THE CANDY BARS AND DISCUSSING MY FATHER'S PLAN FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES. I COULD HAVE BLESSED YOU AND YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ASSURED A PLACE IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.

BUT NO. YOU DECIDED TO AVOID ME. YOU COULD HAVE HELPED WITH VERY LITTLE COST TO YOU, AND YOU DECIDED NOT TO DO IT.

I MADE A DECISION ONCE. I DECIDED TO ALLOW THE ROMANS TO NAIL ME TO A CROSS SO THAT I MAY DIE FOR YOUR SINS. REMEMBER THAT DECISION? WORKED OUT PRETTY GOOD FOR YOU, DIDN'T IT?

GO AHEAD. LOOK AT YOUR SHOES WHILE I BEG STRANGERS TO BREAK A FIVE DOLLAR BILL. IT SEEMS SO PETTY ON MY PART, RIGHT? SO WHAT IF I WASTE $3.75? WHAT DOES IT MATTER IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS: ETERNAL DAMNATION FOR EACH ONE YOU NARCISSISTIC SONS OF BITCHES.

I'LL REMEMBER YOUR FACES WHEN YOU COME BEGGING SAINT PETER FOR ADMITTANCE INTO HEAVEN.

I NEVER FORGET A FACE.

3:09 PM  
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