4/25/06

TURN IT ON! TURN IT ON!!!!

Holy FUCK! The furnace turned itself off last night and everyone's freezing to death! Turn it on! TURN IT ON!!!!!!

Fwew. Okay. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The tablespoon of warm clam chowder I drizzled on a co-worker's mouse pad when she went to go take a leak
B) The small handful of liquid Ivory soap I threw on her monitor when she went to get a paper towel to clean up the "chowder"
C) The driblet of heavy cream I sprayed on the pictures of my co-worker's teenage daughter when she went to complain to the boss
D) The Charms Blow Pop I waggled my tongue against in the park while saying to female passersby, "Hey, lady, remind you of anything? BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK"
E) The loneliest number
F) The words, "CAT SHIT is the new black"
G) A lemon meringue pie
H) A moue
I) Helen Thomas's bicycle seat
J) A big, fat cock

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was the chowder warm when she got back? 'Cause that stuff can go cold in a hurry, if you're catching what I'm meaning.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Moue said...

:-(

8:47 AM  
Anonymous BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK Fan Club said...

BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK! BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK! BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK!

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone else find it IRONIC that he used a CHARMS blow pop to yell BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK at some poor lady? I mean, how UNCHARMING can you get, huh?

The irony is as thick as the spooge I left on the computer monitor.

8:49 AM  
Anonymous CAT SHIT said...

I am the new black.

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Female Co-Worker said...

It's bad enough that I have to work here, but to find fake spooge all over my desk every morning is pretty fucking unbearable.

I barely have time to diddle myself in the washroom!

8:58 AM  
Anonymous The REAL Female Co-Worker said...

That WASN'T me in the comment above. I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but as my best buddy and fellow foreskin-licker Deroy Murdock would say, "Go suck a dick."

Oh, I forgot to add: grow up.

Sorry for leaving that out.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus, it's cold in here.

Someone should turn the fucking heat on.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Jesus said...

I didn't have anything to do with it.

Stop taking my name in vain, for chrissakes.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Dog Shit said...

I am the old black.

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Elderly African-American said...

RACIST!

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just letting you KNOW that it's cold in here, for Shit's Sake.

SHIT'S SAKE.

So just get off your high horse there, Jesus.

11:00 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

The lack of FOCUS here is reaching epidemic levels.

FOCUS.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Shit said...

I may not be considered as important as Jesus over there, but I, too, disklike the gratuitous use of My name.

I mean, grow up for fuck's sake.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think it strange that Jesus reads this vile and disgusting website?

12:44 PM  
Anonymous O.L.A.S.J.H.C. said...

No, I don't think it strange at all. I find this website to be quite uplifting. Especially the pictures of Colombian women sitting on frozen urine-chairs.

*sssspurrrrrttt!*

Oh! Oh, boy.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear OLASJHC,

On your website, you say that we have an unfinished calling and must attend to life's difficulties.

I, myself, have an unfinished basement that is causing me difficulties. Can you come over this Sunday and help me fix it?

Thanks,

*spppuurrrttt*

;-)...

2:30 PM  
Anonymous O.L.A.S.J.H.C. said...

Well, I WOULD have helped you, except for the DISGUSTING and GRATUITOUS *spppuurrrttt* thing.

What the hell is wrong with you? And I KNOW what that SICKENING smileycon is supposed to be about, oh yes I do.

Fucking sicko. Sick, sick, sick.

I have to go now. My Thomas Fries are done "baking" in Helen Thomas's CRUNT, and I want to eat them while they're, well, warm(ish).

:)....

3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Slurp the raspberry goodness of my BLOW POP.

3:23 PM  

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