This Isn't Hollywood

No, it isn't. This is a REAL PERSON who, every dog-gone day, blesses you, graces you, and exhorts you to guess what amazing things are in my mouth. I've only missed a couple of days since October 2005. That's THE very DEFINITION of DEDICATION. And all you rug munchers do is sit on your candy asses and complain about your diversity, about your own troubles n' woes, and I keep telling you that NOBODY wants to hear about how you're treated around here. N.O.B.O.D.Y.

This isn't some Hollywood production where a happy ending is a sure fire thing. Nosireebob. Your very existence depends on what's in my mouth, so youse better start fo-cusing. GWiMMRN:

A) A wedding invitation RSVP envelope without a fucking stamp on it.
B) A humiliating incident where the 'Dances With Wolves' star "kept putting his hand underneath his towel", and when she began to massage his head he "grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel and exposed himself".
C) Your tip? A load from Kevin Costner's dick.
D) The grumbles from the dude who had to "jizzmop" the masseusse's room after Kevin Costner got 'finished.'
E) Keys to the Kingdom.
F) A Hollywood ending: Chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.
G) A GWiMMRN ending: A big, fat cock.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually prefer the Hollywood ending, to be honest.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, hi again.

Yes, it's me. I...I have a question (or "quesblun" as you might say, ha ha!). What does N.O.B.O.D.Y. stand for?

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Horrified Masseuse said...

Oh YES, I settled for sure.


8:48 AM  
Anonymous Bride's Millionaire Father said...

I thought about putting some stamps on those envelopes, but then I decided, "Fuck 'em. Make 'em pay $0.39 to tell us they weren't coming."

Ha ha!


8:49 AM  
Anonymous Sheppy said...

Can... can I have... uh... BUTTERSCOTCH ICE CREAM instead?


9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh boy! Keys to the Kingdom! Vrrooom! Vrroooom! Screeeeeech! ROAR! Vrooooom... vrrroooooooom!


9:10 AM  
Anonymous K. Costner said...

That's right. Just a load out of my dick and that's it. Hope you saved it!

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, um.

I don't know how to say this, but I still don't know what N.O.B.O.D.Y. stands for.

Can I have a hint?

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He "whipped" off his towel and "whipped" his weasel. Afterwards, I'm sure there was some "whipped" cream.

A whole lot of whipping going on.

I'd hate to be the jismopper.

9:44 AM  
Blogger My Mouth said...

Shut the fuck up, Sheppy, you donkey-fellating reprobate.

I know what you're about, oh yes I do.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Jordan said...

i miss you..come see me this weekend..eat my ass like a block of sharp cheddar..

i never thought that i was incontinent, til i went and shat my pants...

love me..be my victim

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Ash said...

call me.

You dooky tasting skeezy shit-ballers.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does that include everyone, or just Jordan?

I won't call you if you keep calling me a "dooky tasting skeezy shit-baller."

I won't.


12:02 PM  
Blogger My Mouth said...


12:23 PM  
Anonymous Ash said...

call me


12:33 PM  
Anonymous Jizzmopper said...

N.O.B.O.D.Y. knows, the troubles I've mopped! N.O.B.O.D.Y. knows, my sorrows...

Curse you, Kevin Costner! You inbred flop-sweating urinal cake!

I'll have the last laugh yet!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous John F. Wayne said...

The next person who smiles 'round here's gettin' a boot up the poop-chute, comprende?

I ain't kiddin', now.


1:18 PM  

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