Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now

New Site

2008-01-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

More relentless mouthables are here:

GWiMMRN

FOCUS.

Test

2007-12-16T12:56:00.001-08:00

Test

GWiMMRN, Fuck All of You Edition

2006-12-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

That's my sentiment; fuck all of you. I've given you over a year to focus, a year to make something of yourselves, and look at you. You're treading water. You are the same non-focusing a-holes you've always been and, I have now concluded, always will be.

You are really, really unworthy of salvation. Really unworthy.

I was going to quit in October, the anniversary of my appearance on the World Wide Web. I was like the Jesus of the Internet, coming to save your sorry asses from yourselves. My Grand Fucking Plan (MGFP) was to liberate humanity from their non-focusing ways, from their inability to pay attention -- even for one second -- to something other than whatever unimportant minutiae they currently focus on. To do so, I asked you, everyday, to GWiMMRN (Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now)...

AND YOU FAILED. You failed your Savior and you have now failed yourselves. Lazarus could only be brought back once. I can't bring you back again. I was going to give you one year, but out of the kindness of my heart, I extended your chance for Redemption.

So, this is it. Your last chance before I go on an extended HIATUS from which I may never return.

Guess. Guess what's in my mouth right now.

GUESS DAMN YOU! GUESS! GUESS!! GUESS!!!!

A) The color yellow, successfully explained to a blind man who has never, ever seen the light of day.
B) The yellow I am curious about.
C) Roy G. Biv's macrocolorspectrometer.
D) A moisty turtle-turd sandwich with pimento loaf and drizzled Choeropsis leberiensis sperm all over it.
E) Terri Schiavo's dying wish.
F) A big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, The Living End Edition

2006-11-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

I keep threatening it and threatening it and one day I'll pull the plug on this damned website and then where will you be? It will be the Living End for all of you.

You think this is easy? I'm doing all of this FOR YOU. I stuff things in my mouth and all you have to do -- for an easy shot at redemption and salvation -- is for you to guess what's in there. It's so simple a BLIND PERSON could do it.

So, here it is, maybe your last chance. GWiMMRN:

A) A badly burned earlobe from answering the iron when the phone rang.
B) A dog leash with no dog attached.
C) Corduroy, which is Helen Keller's favourite color.
D) Burnt fingers from reading the waffle iron.
E) Helen Keller's dog, which is named "Urghrrghrghr."
F) A big, fat blind one eyed trouser snake.

Spring Cleaning, Pre-Winter Solstice GWiMMRN Edition Edition Edition

2006-11-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

It's never too early for spring cleaning!

GWiMMRN:

A) Dust bunnies.
B) Playboy bunnies.
C) The 10 a.m. coffee shits.
D) Dirigidibibbles.
E) Lots of stuff I have no need for but some how have accumulated a shit load of.
F) A morass of ass.
G) A big fat doofus penis cock thing whatever.

GWiMMRN, Post-Thanksgiving Uncle Ned Edition

2006-11-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, the Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 was all that was cracked up to be. Truly a train-wreck of gastronomical proportions. Now, the wreckage. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) That Uncle Ned managed to get the whole turkey, piping hot from the oven, half-way up his ass before we caught him.
B) That after we forceably extracted the hot turkey from his bleeding and badly, badly burned rectum, we forgot which end of the turkey was up his ass.
C) Some unpleasant joking around the table about whether we were eating the "Uncle Ned" end of the turkey.
D) The blood and pubic hair all over my plate, which answered my question.
E) That all the drugs produced by Astrazeneca could not erase my memory of that Day.
F) Uncle Ned's very insincere apology, especially after he spent 45 minutes berating himself for not thinking to use the turkey gravey as a lubricant.
G) A big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving "I'll See Your Sorry Ass When I Get There" Spectacular Edition

2006-11-21T10:06:00.000-08:00

Don't be a spectator when it comes to guessing what's in my mouth right now.

Exercise your rights and what's left of your integrity and GWiMMRN:

A) Uncooked turkey gibbblets.
B) The song, "My balls, my balls, my balls are on fire. We don't need no water let the m*th*rf*ck*r burn!"
C) Bactine!
D) Cranberry sauce, but instead of cranberries, it's made entirely of vegetable oil and uncooked turkey gibbblets.
E) That hair that sits on your keyboard like an unwanted child left at school after their parents forgot to pick them up from soccer practice.
F) Inflammable flappables.
G) A big, fat c*ck.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Blasphemy Sunday Extra-Vaganza!

2006-11-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Don't doubt the awesome power of My Mouth. Don't doubt it for a second. And this Thanksgiving Day 2006, you will know the power of My Mouth because... because... because... because of all the wonderful things it does!

GWiMMRN:

A) The Buddha's balls, all golden and glowing.
B) The Fart of the Century, which took place around 3:45 p.m. yesterday after a whole lot of spinach dip.
C) The Sacred Cow hidden in each McDonald's Big Mac.
D) Sod.
E) DoCtURd iNFIniTy! and his recent scifi-majikal trip to Uranus.
F) *ungh ungh ungh!* special sauce *whew*
G) A big fat winning cock.

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 Edition

2006-11-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

We here at the offices of GWiMMRN, Inc. are anticipating a Monumental Thanksgiving Day Fiasco for this Thanksgiving Day 2006. In anticipation of this horrible event, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Last year's Thanksgiving Day Fiasco.
B) All the horrible things that happened after Thanksgiving 2005.
C) Tits.
D) A National Conversation about ___________ [insert your tongue here).
E) A big fiasco cock.

burp I'M WATCHING YOU

2006-11-15T06:12:00.000-08:00

It's true, you know. All of it.

Guess what's in my mouth right now.

A) 70% coverage when a certain someone told me it would be 100%.
B) The wily hog-cats of southwestern Alabama.
C) Meoink! Meoink!
D) The fine line between being lied to and being told something that wasn't true.
E) Chocolate-Macadamia Nut Coffee that tastes like boiled dog foreskins mushed through Alabama Pete's dirty backdoor windowscreen and swizzled through the the only two teeth Pete's got left in his disgustingly neglected unbrushed gingivitis-infested mouth.
F) Sophisticated surveillance pictures of you and yours.
G) Veg.
H) A big fat surveilled cock.

UPDATE: The answer is probably I) The unexpected and very welcome return of lola, whose new puppy will probably provide the closest thing to unconditional love and affection that she'll ever get. Hope all continues to go well in the life of GWiMMRN's first loyal and most beloved reader.

The 525th "I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up" Edition of GWiMMRN

2006-11-13T14:05:00.000-08:00

*urp*

GWiMMRN:

A) A headache.
B) The thought, "It's so fucking HOT in here."
C) Nausea, and not the pleasant kind.
D) Arm-pit sweats, not mine.
E) A weird smell, like nail polish mixed with horrible body odor.
F) A big fat cheese covered cock.

GWiMMRN, Red Meat, Cigarettes, and Chlamydia Edition

2006-11-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

*hunh!*

GWiMMRN:

A) Red Meat.
B) Cigarettes.
C) Smoked pork tenderloin with Chlamydia Surprise.
D) The itchies on my down-there.
E) A major malfunction.
F) A teary asshole.
G) A teary big fat c.o.c.k.

GWiMMRN, Vitamins Day Edition

2006-11-10T06:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, today is a Federal holiday. Today, we celebrate Vitamins Day. So, as a salute to our nation's vitamins, guess what vitamin is in my mouth right now.

A) Vitamin A.
B) Vitamin B.
C) Vitamin H.
D) Vitamin ungh ungh ungh.
E) Ulysees S. Grant.
F) Vitamin T.
G) Vitamin BFC.

GWiMMRN, Artemis Bunghole Edition

2006-11-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the monkeyshit house. GWiMMRN:

A) Artemis P. Bunghole, Esq., Attorney at Large.
B) A butt-choking amount of fecal matter.
C) A WHOLE FUCKING STEAMROLLER JAMMED UP THE ASS OF [insert your name here].
D) A feeling that I'm disrespected everywhere I go.
E) Fake pain.
F) An 800 smackeroo gold onlay.
G) A big fat cockeroo.

GWiMMRN, Post-Apocalypto VoteDay Ender Edition

2006-11-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

I have been elected for a record 2,000,000,000,000nd term in OFFICE. Never underestimate the power of incumbency.

Despite my overwhelming victory, you are still all sinners in the eyes of My Mouth. Salvation is only possible by guessing what's in my mouth right now.

So, don't sit there passively looking for a hand-out. GO GUESS:

A) Short gasps of breath.
B) A pain in my chest.
C) My left arm going numb.
D) Sweating; profuse, profuse sweating.
E) A buckling of the knees.
F) The Cause.
G) A big, fat cock.

Vote for My Mouth

2006-11-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

Forget about political parties or candidates or ballot iss-hues or any of that crap. They don't matter. All that matters in this world is what is in my mouth right now.

Today, vote for My Mouth. You will not be disappointed.

GWiMMRN:

A) That fruity guy at the voting place with his too-big suit and his miniture testicles.
B) 30 minutes of non-stop BJ's at WSUX -Indiana.
C) A long brown stick sliding into a hot hot hole.
D) The nickel slots.
E) Bananarama and their platinum blonde pubes.
F) The song lyrics, "I'm your penis, I'm your fire, at your desire."
G) A trip down memory lane.
H) Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fish.
I) The Man from F.I.S.H.
J) A big, fat fishcock.

GWiMMRN, Post-Halloween Discount Blood Bath Edition

2006-11-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

Nothing but guts, gore, and glory here at Casa de Mouth. Guess what post-halloween treat is tricking in My Mouth right now:

A) Type AB blood with plenty of clumps.
B) The guy in the stall of the workplace "rest"room who was obviously typing on some-sort of laptop computer.
C) *iehh!* *taptaptap tap* *iiieeeehhh!!* *taptap tap* *beep!* *tap* *iieeehhh* *taptap*
D) A new post on this blog.
E) Gore.
F) A dog with multiple big fat teats.
G) Luscious before and after photos.
H) A biiiiig faaaaaat cooooock.

The Current Culture of Curruption

2006-10-30T08:21:00.000-08:00

We live in a Culture of Curruption.

To escape, GWiMMRN:

A) Nancy Pelosi, that luscious eye-talian grandmother.
B) Curruption.
C) A strong desire for vending machine coffee.
D) A heaping second helping of shit-tastic apple cream pie a la mode.
E) Eeyore, that fucking stuffed donkey.
F) Beefcake a la mode.
G) Tara Reid a la mode.
H) A big fat $#@!.

GWiMMRN, Soapy Banana Edition

2006-10-29T10:51:00.000-08:00

There'snotimetoexplainjustGWiMMRN!

A) Half a peeled banana that fell into the sink and onto a cookie sheet that was soaking in a mixture of water and dishwashing liquid.
B) The admonishment expressed by my wife at my refusal to just "wash it off and eat it."
C) The reasoning that we eat off of plates that have been washed in dishwashing liquid, so why not eat a peeled banana that was washed in dishwashing liquid.
D) Incredulity and a blank stare.
E) That my wife picked up the soapy banana, ran some water over it, and put it on the cutting board for later consuption.
F) My refusal to eat it, even though I was supposedly acting "unreasonably."
G) A big fat soapy banana cock.

GWiMMRN, Daylight Savings Time Edition

2006-10-29T04:22:00.000-08:00

Spring forward into FOCUS. Don't fall back into your old, non-FOCUSing ways.

GWiMM.

RN:

A) A sliced off cow's udder repurposed as a condom for a midget
B) Regis Philbin *ssssspurrrrrtttt!*
C) All of the space-time continuum
D) John "Loafpinchy" Wayne's red, abused poop-scheute
E) :)
F) Hot snow
G) Seventy-seven hot, fresh, apple pies, but not for the fat kid's younger brother
H) Candy corn
I) A big, fat cock-a-leekie

GWiMMRN, GROW THE FUCK UP Edition

2006-10-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

Why can't you just GROW UP? Huh? GROW UP.

It's not that hard. First you GROW, then you go UP. How fucking simple is that?

GROW UP.

GROW UP.

My all-time bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN is all grown up, and he can toss a leprous chihuahua's shit-smeared salad in under thirty minutes!

So GROW UP.

And while you're doing all that GROWing UP, GWiMMRN:

A) An anonymous soapy handjob, begged for by an obviously lying African herbivore
B) Nail clippers with a crust of dried blood and pus on the blades, obviously used by someone very GROWn UP
C) A roasted prostate on a stick
D) That time where that chick who sucked like fifty guys off threw up all over the 51st, dousing him with stomach acid, bile, tequila, nacho remnants, and spooge
E) The kind of dull, obvious irony this entire post is supposed to represent
F) The 52nd guy, who later realized he wasn't going to get blown and left in a huff
G) GROW your dirty ass the fuck UP
H) A big, fat, totally mature cock

GWiMMRN: We're Back to the Fucking Basics

2006-10-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in a better mood.

So we're back to basics: guess what's in my mouth right now.

~~Shitheads.~~ Er, people.

A) A minty turkey on a BMW hood
B) Snot-blowin's
C) A good old fisting, sans lubrication
D) Rough sex with a dead chimpanzee
E) Pine nuts
F) Walnuts
G) Chin nuts
H) My undying hatred
I) A big, fat cock

A Big Creamy Ending

2006-10-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

That's all you want out of life, isn't it? A big creamy ending.

ooo. The fucking implications.

GWiMMRN:

A) My raging libido.
B) Albie the Squirrel's testicular cancer.
C) All those creamy things you shouldn't talk about in public.
D) Conan, the Cimmerian, whose crown sets heavy on his muscular fucking head.
E) A shiver intended for YOU.
F) F you.
G) A big, fat cock's creamy ending.

UPDATE: Go soak your head.

GWiMMRN, Ode to Autumn Edition

2006-10-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

AHHH! Autumn! I just went for a nice walk through the park, the trees turning color, the air a little chilly and the world a little more beautiful.

And, of course, all I could think about was what was in my mouth at the time.

I still have those things in my mouth. It's imperative that you guess what's in there this fine autumn day:

A) A big, fat cock.
B) A big, fat cock.
C) A big, fat cock.
D) A big, fat cock.
E) Leaves.
F) A big, fat cock.
G) A big, fat cock.

Fill Your Void with My Love

2006-10-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

My Love is conditional upon you guessing what's in my mouth right now.

GWiMMRN:

A) The usher who seated us at the classical music concert who had so many puffy boils all over his head he looked like Pinhead, except with puffy fleshy boils at the end of the pins.
B) Angie Hollister's Squeezeriffic Hamburger Juice.
C) Hello Kitty Meow-berry Pop-tarts.
D) Fun n' *spurrrrt* games.
E) Deja vu.
F) Denny's new Sperm N' Eggs Breakfast Combo.
G) OOO! That Smell! That smell that SURROUNDS YOU.
H) A big fat cock festival.

GWiMMRN, Gap Toothed MthrFckr Edition

2006-10-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

Dentistry is artistry!

GWiMMRN:

A) An amalgam.
B) A steaming pile.
C) Some gap toothed S.O.B. smilin' and grinnin' like he's not got a care in the world.
D) Excuses, excuses, excuses.
E) *FRP*
F) *BFC*

GWiMMRN, Lentil Soup with Crushed Fucknuts Edition

2006-10-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

I hope it's okay that I say, "Go fuck yourself."

I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Anyone, that is, except for those non-Focusing Bahstahn fuckwahds, that is.

Oh, never mind. Just Guess:

A) A hastily written hand-made sign hanging in someone's pahking garage that says, "Welcome back, ASSHOLE."
B) Some momentary confusion and then some anger.
C) The hair down there, not mine.
D) A crater where my filling used to be.
E) Crags.
F) Hags with shags.
G) An 8 second long belch.
H) A big fat cock.

UPDATE:

GREAT BIG FAT FUCKING OMNIBUS EDITION OF GWIMMRN!

2006-10-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

It hasn't changed: I put things in my mouth, and you guess what they may be. Got it?

A) My penis...
B) My penis...
C) My penis...
D) MY PENIS!
E) Boston Baked Beans on on my penis
F) My penis on the T
G) Lobsters nibbling on my penis
H) Pahking my cah in Hahvihd Yahd with my penis inside
I) Something different: ~~a big, fat~~ my penis

UPDATE: MY PENIS

GWiMMRN

2006-10-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's back to basics. No goofy titles, no fake "editions," none of that stuff. It's just you, me, and What's in My Mouth Right Now.

GWin there:

A) Battery acid.
B) thblhughggglth.
C) ibbllthigglththighaaal.
D) hugugghhhllthughghaaaalghuul.
E) ahuhghuulbighghaalfatghaalcock.

GWiMMRN, Issues Edition

2006-10-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

I can see that you're starting to warm up to me. Well, cozy up to my sac and GWiMMRN:

A) A long day that just got longer.
B) An aborted attempt at coffee and a banana nut (sac) muffin at 7 a.m. today from the store down the street.
C) A Little Debbie Double Decker Oatmeal Creme Pie and some vending machine coffee at 7:15 a.m. this morning.
D) The squash and Fakin' Chikin' Patty that looked good together on paper, but failed in its dinner-time execution, palate-wise.
E) A combo of tastes that, like peanut butter and ketchup, are best enjoyed separate and at different times of the day.
F) Trust issues.
G) Issue issues.
H) Bean splatter fo-fana banana droopy hooptie boo.
I) I spy a big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Columbus Day Rocks My Ball Sac Edition

2006-10-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

It's a SAC, not a SACK. You put your balls in a SAC, and you use a SACK to stuff stuff in. Fucking moron. I don't know how many times I have to tell you.

Jesus.

Q.

Fucknuts.

GWiMMRn:

A) Christopher "Feces Nibbler" Columbus
B) The Knights of Columbus
C) That chick in that Christopher Columbus movie with the most amazing tits you've ever seen they're like the fucking archetype of what tits should be
D) Gold
E) The fact that if it wasn't for Christopher "Poop Licker" Columbus, we wouldn't even be in this cunt-lapping society to begin with
F) Leif Erickson's unending, injustice-fueled rage from beyond the grave
G) The reason why people went to the New World in the first place

Update:

*ssssssppppurrrttttttt!!!*

GWiMMRN, Sunday Steamed Burger Edition

2006-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing quite like a steamed burger on a warm October day.

Isn't that right?

Yes. Yes it is right.

GWiMMRN:

A) Steamed hamburger in a handmade hotdog bun.
B) The really mean thing my wife said yesterday over lunch but I forgot what it was.
C) Ritalin.
D) A fried egg sandwich served on a greasy bloody cow hoof.
E) French fries, to go with that.
F) Pollen in my pubes.
G) A big fat rock-stariffic Flavor of Love cok-cok-cock.

GWiMMRN, I'M GONNA SHOOT MY GOO! Edition

2006-10-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Ohhh...

Mmmm...

Yeah. Oh, oh wow...

Guess...

Guess what's in my mouth right now...

Before...before I...

Oh boy...

A) The murmured words, "Good baby...nice baby...keep that up, baby...oh God, baby...fuck yeah...oh, man...get ready...I'm...gonna...I'm gonna...it's gonna happen...I'm...I'm GONNA SHIT!" *FRIPPPPPTTTPTPTPTPTPPPSSSRRRPPTTPTPTPT!!!!*
B) A blumpkin
C) A form of communication that should've been regulated for content long ago, mostly because of the disgusting antics of some sick fuck who shouldn't be allowed to communicate with anyone
D) A soapy sponge tied to a stick
E) The father of the bride
F) The adorable little ass hairs writhing sensuously around the bride's chocolate starfish
G) That nice cuntfaced lady who runs the laundromat
H) The big, fat cock that you can't stop thinking about

UPDATE: *ungh ungh ungh*

GWiMMRN, Half Way House Edition

2006-10-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

Let's meet life... "Half-way."

Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Full House.
B) Half Way House.
C) All the Way House.
D) First Base House.
D) Second Base House.
E) Third base with a big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, Guest Poster Edition on the 501

2006-10-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

As Jesus Q. Fucknuts would say, "*SPPPPUUUURRRTTT!!* *friipppt!* *frrpt* *PFT!* *spurrrrt!* *spuurrrrrrt!* *BELCH!* *BELCH!* *BELCH!* *prrtt!* *frpt!* *ungh ungh ungh!* *uhee!* *heighughiee!* *spurrt* *spurrrt* *sprt* *frrpt*"

I've got a frequent non-focusing commenter in my mouth right now. If this commenter was me, instead of me being me, he'd have things in his mouth. Guess who it is, from his choices:

A) A spoonful of Metamucil mixed into his Alpo
B) A failing grade in "Taking a Shit 101"
C) Unrelenting mockery, culminating in a popular homespun expression that does not apply
D) The a priori knowledge of how to take a shit, which this individual was not born with
E) Utter confusion about one of the most elementary things in existence
F) A D- on the final exam of the remedial summer school class, "THIS IS HOW YOU TAKE A SHIT"
G) A lot of wiggling around without any result
H) A life of quiet desperation
I) A big, fat cock that at least knows how to urinate

Holy Jesus Q. Fucknuts! It's the sppppuuurrrtttt!! 500th GWiMMRN Post!!

2006-10-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

*SPPPPUUUURRRTTT!!* *friipppt!* *frrpt* *PFT!* *spurrrrt!* *spuurrrrrrt!* *BELCH!* *BELCH!* *BELCH!* *prrtt!* *frpt!* *ungh ungh ungh!* *uhee!* *heighughiee!* *spurrt* *spurrrt* *sprt* *frrpt* GWiMMRN!

A) 500 turds dogpiled on Abraham Lincoln's grave.
B) 500 cubic quarts of man-custard doused on a fetid creme broulee.
C) 500 genitalia of various shapes, sizes, and smells.
D) 500 jokes about things most people wouldn't find funny if they said out-loud.
E) 500 dick, vagina, gross-out, gross-in, puke, saline-injected testicle, absurd, creepy, nasty, sick sick sick sick internet jokes.
F) 500 hours of wasted time, which translates into three solid weeks straight of time you could have spent making the world a better place, but didn't because you were too busy enjoying perverted attempts at humor wrapped in a demented freak's oral obsession.
G) 500 big fat cocks slapping you so hard you fell out of your seat and broke your coxal bone (not really).

GWiMMRN, Do Not Go Gently into That Good Night Edition

2006-09-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

RAGE! Rage against the dying of the light!

But before you do that, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Robert Frost's erectile dysfunction, which led to his untimely death at age 114.
B) Robert Frost's horse, who not only thought it "queer" that they stopped in the woods in the middle of a snowy night, but also that Robert Frost was a flamboyant homosexual.
C) The little fantasy land that I have retreated into for the past few weeks.
D) Time, which has no meaning here.
E) Swords and sorcerers and elves and witches and mermaids and unicorns and a dozen inflatable fuck dolls.
F) More pain than you can shake a stick at.
G) A big, fat 499th cock.

GWiMMRN, John Has a Long Mustache Edition

2006-09-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

All of you in the occupied territories: listen up. Put down the Campbell's Hotgag and pick up your keyboards, because it's time to GWiMMRN:

A) A great deal of uncalled-for hostility, wrapped in a sickening package
B) The sad fact that Larry "Bud" Melman wasn't the least bit amusing until this website began to make horrible mock of him
C) The yellowish coating scraped off of that guy's tongue over there, sort of mustard-colored and grainy
D) A blast from the past: everything but the walnut-sized testicles of Miles, the Cat with Testicles the Size of Walnuts
E) The Song of Solomon, sung to that faggot tranny who hangs out by the train station and blows strangers for bus tokens
F) A man's thigh bearing the unmistakable red scrape of a 5 o'clock-shadowed cheek upon it
G) A zipper with little bits of torn cock-flesh and driblets of blood caught in the teeth
H) A big, fat, scarred cock

GWiMMRN, Shit for the Shit-Asses Edition

2006-09-27T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm re-using an old joke. Don't like it?

FUCK YOU.

Okay? FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU.

Just shut the fuck up already and guess what's in my fucking mouth right now, you little fucking ASSHOLES.

A) Hotgag, which is a new soup from Campbell's
B) The secret recipe for Hotgag, which I'm not at liberty to describe, but can tell you includes a gone-over tuna casserole; an ounce of brine shrimp testes; and Larry "Bud" Melman's thick, glutinous semen
C) A feather duster
D) A French Maid (ohhhhh *spppppurrrrtttt!!*)
E) ungh ungh ungh WHATSTHEMATTERWITHME *sssssspprrrtttt*
F) don'tlookatthisoneshesallmine ohhh *sppurrtt!!!!!*
G) A penis-flavored cupcake
H) An occipital lobe
I) A big, fat cockeroooooooooooooo

GWiMMRN, Closing in on the 500th Post Edition

2006-09-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

We're Manheim Steamrolling right towards a X-Massy oblivion. What stands in the way between you and certain doom at the claws of enraged gerbils?

My Mouth and Guessing What's in My Mouth Right Now, of course!

So, knuckle up to the bar you wet-behind-the-ears primates and GWiMMRN:

A) 500 unread "Left Behind" books sitting on a shelf in the Plains, Iowa Wal-Mart.
B) 499 suck-asses all cheering for the same sports team.
C) 498 chipmunks writhing in agony.
D) 497 lb weight currently tied to my enormous testicles.
E) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE:

GWiMMRN, Leave It to Beaver Edition

2006-09-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

Not really.

GWiMMRN:

A) The "Beave."
B) The Islamo-Fascist Jihad I left in the toilet yesterday around 12:45 p.m.
C) A way too long fart deposited at a fancy dinner party.
D) "Well, according to the New Yorker, Sy Hersh says that Iran is" *frrrrpppPPRRRRpptptptpt!* "o boy."
E) The last square of toilet paper in all of Asia.
F) A see-through slicker.
G) A totally transparent big fat cock.

Sweets for the Sweet

2006-09-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Alrighty mighty cocksuckers! Time for an educational redeployment:

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

Now that's out of the way, GWiMMRN:

A) Too much time on my hands.
B) The tender mercies Larry "Bud" Melman gave to the live kitten he pulled out of his rectum on last night's David Letterman Show.
C) Sweets for the sweet.
D) Shit for the shit-asses.
E) A horribly fucked up rendition of the Canadian national anthem.
F) HOTSAUCE!
G) A big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, I'm So Fucking Tired Today Edition

2006-09-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of the lack of focusing.

Other than that, I've got as much energy as a hummingbird on Benzedrine after it's eaten an entire slice of really good hot dog cake.

GUESS:

A) A very tasty 14 oz. sirloin cooked to medium-rare perfection, a mediocre caprese salad, Lyonnaise potatoes with crispy skin, and a delicious flourless chocolate-espresso cake with a dollop of vanilla ice cream
B) The fact that it's 12 hours after such a meal, and my digestive tract has yet to make the slightest inroad into disintegrating it: it is sitting in my stomach exactly the way it did last night after I ate it
C) *brrrrrrrp*
D) *prrp* *frrrrippp*
E) *brrrrrrRRRRRRrrowwwwwp*
F) Katie Couric's colonoscopy camera, not the least bit washed off after its harrowing "trip"
G) Mushy tomatoes, substandard mozzarella, and not enough basil
H) A big, fat cockoscopy

GWiMMRN, Unwarranted Comments at the Bus-Stop Edition

2006-09-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Stop talking to me Stop talking to me Stop talking to me Stop talking to me just stop it.

GWiMMRN:

A) Some guy asking me why I'm wearing blue today.
B) My reply, "'Cause it's gonna be the color of your face when I'm through with you, buddy boy."
C) Dungarees.
D) A Horn of Plenty.
E) That time when Larry "Bud" Melman walked on-stage on The David Letterman Show and pulled a live kitten out of his ass.
F) A Big Fat C***.

GWiMMRN, Asterisks in Place of Profanity Edition

2006-09-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

Jes*s FUCKING Chr*st Al-fucking-m*ghty, what's wrong with you g*ddamned fuckfaces? Can't you FOCUS?

Here's another opportunity for you to show your g*ddamned fucking quality, or lack of it. GWiMMRN:

A) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
B) Wedding cake
C) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
D) Wedding cake
E) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
F) Wedding cake
G) Watermellon Bubblisious
H) Watermellon Bubblisious
I) Watermellon Bubblisious
J) A big, fat cock

GWiMMRN, I'm Too Fing Busy to Deal with You Non-Focusing Aholes Edition

2006-09-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

TFB.

GWiMMRN:

A) Spinach. That's right. SPINACH.
B) The Ninth Gate.
C) The frequently overlooked yet still very deadly 4th Gate.
D) A too tight powder blue t-shirt.
E) America's Next Top Model.
F) America's Next Top Model Sore Loser.
G) A whole buncha things normal people shouldn't care about.
H) The New Fall Television Schedule.
I) A big, fat, overcooked, screechy cock.

GWiMMRN, Sunday Afternoon Blues Edition

2006-09-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's not even Sunday afternoon yet, and I'm ready to crawl under my bed and never emerge again. You know why? It's because I realize that none of you fuckchops can FOCUS, will ever FOCUS, or give enough of a shit to try to FOCUS.

I soldier on.

Guess. What's in my mouth right...

Hold on...

NOW! GO, GO, GO!

A) The really awesome shits I've been taking, I mean huge and satisfying, leaving me six pounds lighter as I stroll away from the commode with my hands in my pockets and a big grin for the world to see
B) A candy cane gobbled out of a bushbuck's dingus like a stripy catheter
C) All of cyberspace except for this website, which is too digusting to put in anyone's mouth, let alone mine (oooo, the DEFECATIONS!)
D) A wall
E) Oatmeal cottage cheese pancakes, which aren't so bad actually
F) Creamed caramel corn, which is just as disgusting as you'd think it would be
G) My own itchy taint, which I surreptitiously scratched several times last night to the sound of rustling ass hairs
H) A big, fat cock

Return to Raggin' Fridays!

2006-09-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Shiver my timbers!

GWiMMRN:

A) Tree bark, or what women in the woods use for a tampon.
B) Popeye, the cockgobbling pirate.
C) A bag of fresh spinach.
D) E Coli left from the "special sauce" Popeye leaves/jerks off in every bag of fresh spinach in America.
E) Olive Oyl's incredibly thin snatch.
F) Suffering Succotash.
G) A big fat spinach filled cock.

UPDATE: The answer could now be H) The fresh bagged spinach sale at your local supermarket. Price reduced! 75% off!

Oh YES.

2006-09-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

Oh YES, I see you now. I know what you're thinking about. I know what you're up to. You're thinking, I'm just going to write what I want in these comments, and to hell with all this FOCUSING shit.

Fuck that.

Guess, God damn you. Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) An entire internet chat room
B) Urine stain remover, for those built-in stains you just can't get out when you're a semi-homeless man who carries bottles of piss on the bus, trying to fool all of us that it's apple juice
C) A hot clot of snot sucked directly from the nostril of a pneumonia-suffering nonagenarian
D) A small twinge of anxiety with a soupcon of anticipation
E) Cold soup, but not gazpacho
F) Everything that isn't in my mouth right now (Ooooo! The cockgobbling implications!)
G) A big, fat cockgobble

UPDATE: HOT SOUP, COMING THROUGH!

Oh no!

2006-09-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

Well, that hasn't happened in a while!

OKAY! I've scooped all this up from the floor and stuffed everything back in My Mouth, so Tuesday's choices are still a go!

GWiMMRN!

GWiMMRN, Just How Fucking HARD Is It for You Retards to Focus Edition Edition Fucking Edition

2006-09-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

The burden of placing things in my mouth and permitting you to guess what they may be isn't one I take up lightly. At times, I suffer. All I ask of you is that you guess. I just want you to FOCUS. Instead, I get whining and faux-outrage and a big fat waste of my time. So this time, I've put one of your non-FOCUSING comments into my mouth, and I want you to fucking figure the fuck out which fucking one it is:

A) POOPY POOPY POOOOOPY!
B) My GOITER!
C) Untasted llama testicles
D) A freshly-published fart
E) Annie Potts's outtake from the film Ghostbusters: "Heh-loh? Ghohst-buhstuhs. Wanna watch my tits flop around? Huh? Heh-loh?"
F) Whining about how disgusting H) is
G) A painting of Leonardo da Vinci sucking Jesus off while fondling Satan's balls
H) *BBBBBBLLLLLORRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP*
I) A big, fat cock wearing a monocle so it can FOCUS

GWiMMRN, I Went to the Zoo Edition

2006-09-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

Just...just fucking GUESS already, for fuck's fucking sake:

A) The bunch of retards being herded along by some kind of tour group
B) The fact that the only time they evidenced any enthusiasm was when the elephants were taking great, big spherical shits, and this enthusiasm showed itself in hooting, laughing, and general exclamations of incoherence, giving the lie to the popular Hollywood notion of the "Noble Retard"
C) Soft-serve ice cream
D) A family of truly brutish-looking Russian tourists with a somewhat cute kid named "Vasily" who I truly hope grows up to look more like a bushbuck's asshole than his own parents because he'd at least be less ugly
E) Mingled delight and disappointment that while I was able to see a waterbuck for myself at the zoo, I wouldn't be able to sniff its stinky, big fat cock
F) Lorikeets
G) The one dollar we paid for a cup of nectar to feed the lorikeets with, which I later tasted and learned that it wasn't sugar water, but actually M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C., which is that pussy-flavored drink that you add milk to like Ovaltine
H) A lorikeet's black, cylindrical tongue
I) A lorikeet's big, fat, feathery cock

Choo choo! The Mouth Express Is Coming Through! Choo choo!

2006-09-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO!! chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOOOO!

I'm on a NON-STOP WHISTLE-STOP TOUR through America's heartland to bring you nothing but the finest choices to GWiMMRN!

A) Stanley Kubrick's worm-ridden corpse.
B) National Lampoon's worm-ridden corpse.
C) A rumpled copy of the April 1983 issue of Cracked magazine.
D) Apricot jam mixed with some prune jam on home-made bread and unsalted butter.
E) A salt lick, with the cow still attached.
F) A big fat dick lick.

TGIF! Lick My Nuts!

2006-09-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

Droopy perserverence won't cut it in this town, bub.

GWiMMRN, or Guess What's in MY Mouth Right Now:

A) Nuts.
B) A healthy attitude.
C) A shit filled canoe floating down shit's creek in the middle of a shit storm while shitting in my pants.
D) PUNISHMENT.
E) A toe ring.
F) A camel toe ring.
G) A shoe impression.
H) A big fat cock impression.

UPDATE: The answer could now be I) The mystery of why these three fine young Wisconsin gentlemen wanted to buy condoms before screwing a week-old dead corpse.

GWiMMRN, Health Club Edition

2006-09-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

If you don't have your health, you at least have my mouth. Guess what's in it:

A) An elliptical trainer
B) The vaguely uneasy feeling that the ellipticals should only be used by women, bolstered by the fact that I rarely if ever see any other men working out on them
C) The falsies and sports bra I now wear to counteract that uneasy feeling
D) The difficulty inherent in looking at the well-toned ass of the girl running furiously on the treadmill directly in front of me without my wife on the elliptical nearby knowing
E) A bouncing ponytail, which for some weird reason excites my prey drive and makes me want to grab it and smash its owner's face into the digital display of the treadmill which is a pretty bad thing because of the number of women at the club who put their hair up in ponytails like that
F) The fat old fuck who doesn't wipe off the machine after he's done with it, making the rest of us act as his de facto sweatmopper
G) The magazine owned by the woman in front of me walking at a quaalude-stricken turtle's pace that had the picture of a gigantic burger on the cover with the word "GROUND BEEF" superimposed on it
H) A big, fat, toned cock with a little sweatband on it

Axis of...

2006-09-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

My Mouth, My Mouth and My Mouth are all the axises you need, baby!

GWiMMRN:

A) An all access backstage pass to a Lil' Kim concert.
B) The East Coast vs. West Coast War.
C) The mystery of who killed the Notorious B.I.G.
D) The mystery of who killed Tupac.
E) A shovel full of wet dog shit.
F) "beefs"
G) 2000 emails, 99% of which spell penis with a 1.
H) pen1s! pleez her 2day! B.I.G. impr'vmnts! with ur erekt1le d1sfunct10n!
I) A big fat pen1s.

Labor on My Ding-Dong

2006-09-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

Today is the day on which you must both labor on my ding-dong while singing songs of joy and GWiMMRN:

As Steve Irwin would have said, the heart must go on.

Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A stingray!
B) Crocodile Dundee, who's alive, but whose career has been punched through the heart by the stingray of time.
C) FLAVA FLAV!!!!!!!!!
D) New York, who will be making a special guest appearance in My Mouth at 6 o'clock today.
E) The spirit of Public Enemy rolling in its grave.
F) Professor Q. Boredom's Lame-U-Cational Cocksuckery, one mo' time.
G) Charo! Hootchie Cootchie! Oldie Moldy!
H) A neglected past.
I) Link Wray!
J) A stingray's big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN on This Very Sunday, You Fuckchops Edition

2006-09-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

You! Yes, you. Quit taking a crimson ride on the cotton toboggan and GWiMMRN:

A) Trail m i x
B) Professor Q. Boredom's Lame-U-Cational Cocksuckery
C) The Labour Party
D) Labour Day, which is toumourrouw
E) MUNG
F) Yo-ho-yoni
G) A fuckchop
H) The Pirpel family's shock and horror when they do a Google search
I) My own shock and horror at having a big, fat cock

Raggin' Fridays

2006-09-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yes ma'am! Welcome to Raggin' Fridays!

GWiMMRN:

A) TAMPONS.
B) Aunt Flo, who came for a visit.
C) A do-rag.
D) A tea-bag.
E) That stuff you can take to make the cramps not so hurty and stuff.
F) A blood covered, big, fat cock.

GWiMMRN, FOCUS Aid Edition

2006-08-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have found a koan that will bring you instant enlightenment and give you the ability to properly FOCUS instead of bitching about what I put in my mouth. This koan can be pictured thusly:

Happily, it has been in my mouth for some time.

GWiMMRN, PIRPEL TIRTEL PENIS Edition

2006-08-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

FOCUS.

Guess:

A) Chocolate peanut-corn pudding

UPDATE:

Conspiracy Theory Bump Day Edition of GWiMMRN

2006-08-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

There's a lot you don't know, bub.

GWiMMRN:

A) Loo chat.
B) Conspiracy Theory, with everyone's favorite anti-semite.
C) 77 hot Bavarian Cream Pies.
D) Paranoia the Destroya.
E) The fact that My Mouth is your only option left, which isn't really a conspiracy so much as a truism.
F) A really and truly disgusting MySpace profile which will be sure to prompt the Feds to close the Internet down for good.
G) My big, fat Greek wedding cock.

GWiMMRN, brrrrrrrrrrp Edition

2006-08-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

To be in my mouth, or not to be in my mouth. That is the question:

A) The words, "I would just like to add that I just ate a whole shit load of whole wheat pasta and I have a lasting feeling of fullness. *frrpt*" which may be the meanest thing ever said on the internet
B) An ethereal, gossamer pubic hair lovingly plucked from the mons of an angel
C) Hot pie
D) Helen Thomas
E) Camel Toe
F) Caramel Toe
G) A burka
H) Tiny Tim's headstone, which I told my wife has a button on it that when pressed, plays his sickening falsetto of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" and she believed me
I) Tiny Tim's big, fat cock

UPDATE:

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer may now be J) A MySpace Profile.

Don't Stop Thinking about My Mouth

2006-08-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

It'll soon be here!

GWiMMRN:

A) Something better than before.
B) Yesterday.
C) That time when I just went for it.
D) The ripple effect you get when you tickle the shriveled horse testicle looking Star Jones Reynolds.
E) A Presidential Pardon for all the sickening, disgusting, just plan awful things I've written on this website.
F) How Satan doesn't really take Presidential Pardons into consideration when thinking up a real good eternal torture for you.
G) Muh-muh-muh-hah-hah-hah-muh-muh-muh-mud A-aaa!aaali.
H) A big, fuh-fuh-fuh-fat cock.

Surf My Mouth

2006-08-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Our long, national nightmare is about to end. GWiMMRN:

A) The night they drove old Dixie down.
B) Na na na na na na na na.
C) Grateful, wet, slobbery, semen stained kisses.
D) The guy picking his nose in line for all the world to see.
E) The dread that this guy will be a medical doctor and that he'll pick his nose with his surgical gloved hands right there in the operating room before your open heart surgery.
F) The reason why the Good Lord in His infinite wisdom gave women foreheads.
G) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE: Why is this man smiling?

Self Defense is for Losers -- "Flapflapflapflapflap"

2006-08-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Why? Because if you are DEFENDING, you are, by definition, LOSING.

The lesson to be learned? Strike first, strike hard, no mercy SIR!

Also, remember that there is no mouth but My Mouth. Guess:

A) Ralph "suck first, suck hard, no mercy sir" Macchio.
B) Flapflapflap.
C) The words, "Why are you here?"
D) The Gonads.
E) Precious little time left.
F) Kurt Vonnegut, who survived the bombing of Dresden by the dreaded Twatwaffles.
G) A green pen that writes in green ink.
H) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE: If you only see three "f"'s in this post, you are going to be in big, big trouble come sundown, bub.

GWiMMRN, Edition Edition

2006-08-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, you! Yes, you. Stop tongue-fighting for the last execrescence in Kurt Vonnegut's hot, irritated ass crack with Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN and guess what's in my mouth right now!

A) A frozen breakfast treat made from M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C., which is that pussy-flavored drink that you add milk to like Ovaltine
B) Twatwaffles
C) The golden elixir often carried on buses by this semi-homeless guy that non-homeless people carry temporarily in their bladders
D) Predictable outrage and anger over disrespectful remarks
E) Shit-shampoo and a one-two fruit punch
F) Something that isn't either disgusting or intangible
G) A tasty dessert
H) A big, fat burgercock

GWiMMRN, Jam Out with Your Ham Out Edition

2006-08-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like they were installments of a news program? Well, those days are back.

Guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) Jam.
B) Ham.
C) Jelly.
D) Pork.
E) A wee bit of constipation accompanied by some unusually hard and jagged turds.
F) That fat kid.
G) An unusually gay day.
H) Blood, for oil.
I) A big, fat ham out.

UPDATE:

GWiMMRN, New Hire Paperwork Edition

2006-08-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Monquckey House, Mr. Vonnegut! Are you ready for your processing?

Excellent. And now, guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A w-4, with sperm all over it.
B) Breakfast of Champions.
C) A migrant farmworker family.
D) Enough perfume to power a DC-10.
E) V... for "suck it."
F) A freshly minted big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, The 466th Post

2006-08-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sure it's meaningful, but fucked if I know exactly why. Anyway, it's time for you to do what you were born to do: GWiMMRN:

A) The two nuggets of shit I turtled out into my shorts this morning
B) A fat kid
C) Visceral disgust at the most popular eatery on the planet
D) Something that's supposed to look tasty but ain't and I like meat and bread and cheese as much as the next man
E) That horrible fucking goopy shit they put on burgers at these fast food joints that looks like snot or semen or slime or a mixture of all three that's supposed to taste good but makes me sick to my stomach I mean what the fuck is wrong with tasting meat and bread and cheese for fuck's sake why do you have to splurt on some kind of manufactured "special sauce" which isn't special at all but just a conglomeration of nasty ingredients and chemicals that look about as appetizing as the mucus spat out of an old man's emphysema-raddled lungs
F) French fries, which I don't eat any more but miss just about every damned day
G) Fast-food stream-of-consciousness bleating
H) A tasty Hebrew National hot dog in a mass-produced hot dog bun with mustard
I) A big, fat special sauce-swathed cockteaser

GWiMMRN, Slack, Droopy ASSHOLE Edition

2006-08-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

Good morning, sunshine!

GWiMM:

A) Brian DePalma's latest
B) Parakeet feet
C) Secret knowledge
D) Used ben-wa balls, viciously seized from Nicole Ritchie's calloused, balding cunny
E) A parrot without a beak
F) Glistening, yellowish clots
G) Abortion Scampi
H) A big, fat monckey cock

GWiMMRN, The Movie

2006-08-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Shot on location in DEEPEST, DARKEST Africa is GWiMMRN's first movie:

GWiMMRN, The Movie

Oh! Canada! GWiMMRN, Edition

2006-08-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Back from my long trip to Canada (everything about me is loooong) and I have brought back many a delicious thing that you now have the pleasure to GWiMMRN:

Guess...

A) The urinal with the least amount of piss on the floor.
B) Real, Honest-to-Goodness Quebecois Frogs.
C) Talcum powder to calm my itchy crotch.
D) Poutine, with MAN GRAVY.
E) A screaming sense of self-importance wrapped up in a belligerent cock-faced nano-sucking squeezeball.
F) Some amazing SMOKED MEATS from Schwartz's.
G) Niagara Falls lit up at night like some fruity candy-cane.
H) O boy! Another fucking gift shop! WEEEEEEE!
I) A maple syrup covered big, fat cock.

UPDATE: Ba ba ba ba baaaa! I'm lovin' it!

"Take This Cock and Shove It"

2006-08-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to pack some clean undewear for your trip to the fudge packing factory.

GWiMMRN:

A) Jo'burg.
B) Mo'burg.
C) The penis pump I lost somewhere in the wild savannahs of Zambia.
D) A shift of my testicles to the right.
E) The fitness warriors of Hawaii.
F) A shift of my testicles to the left.
G) A big, fat bushbuck cock.

Dr. Mouth, I Presume

2006-08-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have returned from DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA to bring you a whole new selection of things to guess.

GWiMMRN:

A) Impala balls.
B) A surprisingly soft and puckery zebra anus.
C) The hump of a humpback whale.
D) Four shiv wielding children asking you for your wallet and cell phone down by the promenade.
E) The knobbby knees of a giraffe.
F) A 27 hour trip and all the orange chewable Drammamine I could stand.
G) Spinach, for no particular reason.
H) A waterbuck's stinky, big fat cock.

GWiMMRN, The Furry Catballs Give More Advice Edition

2006-08-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

Your advice column is open for business:

Dear Mouth,

I've generally been feeling sick lately, like I'm tired all the time. A thin, yellowish fluid has been leaking fitfully from the head of my penis since last week, and the last time I got an erection, a blood vessel popped in it so the whole thing is a disturbing sort of eggplant-purple. It might have something to do with the infection I got from rubbing it raw and bloody when I mistakenly used "Oil of Olay Apricot Scrub" instead of KY. I should go see a doctor, shouldn't I?

Sincerely,

Chappasquiddick in MA

GWiMMRN, More Advice from the Furry Catballs Edition

2006-08-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

More Mouthmail:

Dear Mouth:

There's a girl at my school that I really want to ask out on a date, but I'm afraid that she'll turn me down. She's very pretty and very nice, and she hangs out with all the popular kids. I'm not as popular. In fact, a lot of people call me a nerd. They also give me a lot of swirlies and trash-can rides. Sometimes...sometimes, I just want to kill myself. What should I do?

Depressed and Confused in Orange County

GWiMMRN, Ask the Furry Catballs for Advice Edition

2006-08-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

I've returned from my unannounced hiatus to inform and delight you some more.

I get lots of Mouthmail, but I only have time to respond to a little of it. In-between putting things in my mouth, I have hired an individual to respond to all future mail. Here is a recent exchange:

Dear Mouth:

Should I quit my job at the law firm and live the life of a pianist the way I've always wanted? I think I can swing it financially, and it's always been a dream of mine to play the piano professionally. Should I go for it?

Signed,

Big Pianist in Oconomowoc

GWiMMRN, I Know Who You Are Edition

2006-07-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

I know who you are. Oh yes, I do. You're sitting there, not focusing, poking away on your keyboard like a fat little pigeon. I've got your number.

So, while you're here, GWiMMRN:

A) The immortal words, "This town needs an enema!" *fweeeeee*
B) The not-so immortal words, "And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
C) Hot white gobs and strings, or why I never eat mayonnaise, cheese sauce, or anything whitish and goopy
D) Thomas Fries, or why the internet really really should be regulated for content or at least given a rating of some kind by a responsible governmental organization if there is such a thing
E) Two good friends
F) Two other good friends, one of whom is very shy
G) A big, fat unregulated cock

UPDATE: The answer might perhaps be H) Two more good friends:

GWiMMRN, Epic Proportions Edition

2006-07-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

GIGANTIC. It is a word usually reserved to describe my penis, but now, it refers to the things that may or may not be in my mouth right now. Guess:

A) A sudden change in the Earth's orbit as a result of the fart I cut in bed last night.
B) The Golden Age of My Balls.
C) A minor in physics and a major in chemistry, if you follow my drift.
D) Huge balloons.
E) Huge melons.
F) A big, fat cock.

The Miserable Bee Says, "Slap me! GWiHmRN!"

2006-07-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

Listen to the miserable bee. Slap him. And guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) The ancient form of Chinese divination known as the I SPOOGE
B) Wienerschnitzel
C) Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor of California
D) The Artist Formerly Known as the Cheese Collecting on My Dingus
E) The real Pirates of the Caribbean
F) A big, fat, salty sea-dog's cock

Cherish Me, Suck Me

2006-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

When you've drunk your fill of piss-infested Holiday Inn pool-waters, then you can talk to me. Until then, cherish me and my insanity:

GWiMMRN:

A) That stank ass air they got in the tube leading from the airport proper to the airplane proper.
B) That new airport security machine they got that looks like the Dr. Who telephone booth where you step in and get felt up by short blasts of air all up you body.
C) The pleasant, yet firm voice of the Dr. Who Airport Security Booth described in Letter B, that tells you "You may now exit," but I heard "You may now excrete," and so I evacuated my bowels all over the floor of the machine.
D) That next time, I'm going to remove my pants and underwear before going into the Dr. Who Airport Security Booth for a proper blast of air up my chafed anus.
E) The cell-phone I set to vibrate and have strapped around the underside of my enormous cock.
F) The many, many telephone calls I make to myself throughout the day from my other cell phone.
G) The messages I leave for myself, like, "Hey, how's that feel?" and "Grow up."
H) My being tired and losing patience with all of you non-Focusing retarts.
I) A big, fat hill-billy cock.

GWiMMRN, I've Returned for You Edition

2006-07-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

The "Patron Saint" may have hacked this website to try to make it his own, but he proved himself to be particularly stupid in his choice of passwords. "GROW UP" is not an acceptable password, and I guessed it on the first try. Anyway, I've come back from my long trip to let you know what may be in my mouth right now. Your sacred duty is to guess what it is:

A) Trail mix with tasty little bits of dried dogpoop
B) Blibdoolpoolp
C) The Holiday Inn Indoor Pool, now containing an unacceptably high urine-to-water ratio thanks to my insistence that it was a personal commode
D) The sweaty, hairy, appallingly smelly hillbilly I was forced to sit next to on the plane home, complete with yellowed tank top, dirty jeans, and suspenders
E) The horrible realization I came to, once I saw who I'd be sitting next to on the airplane, that there really is a God, but He truly despises me and wishes me ill
F) Sunburn
G) A chilled glass of Hefeweizen with a nice slice of lemon floating in it
H) A big, fat blistery cock

"GWiMMRN," "The 'Patron Saint' Speaks Out"

2006-07-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

"Hello."

"I am Deroy Murdock, so-called 'Patron Saint' of GWiMMRN."

"I am here to tell you that I am nothing of the kind."

"This website is a horror that should never have been birthed."

"If I had the time to respond to the appalling misuse of my name and character, let alone all of the false statements attributed to me here, I would be responding right now."

"But I don't."

"And I'm not responding."

"If I were to respond, I would say one thing."

"That thing is, as you've undoubtedly guessed, is 'GROW UP'."

"At any rate, I have now taken control of this DIGUSTING excuse for a blog."

"It is now mine."

"Henceforth, it shall be a clean place."

"Not an obscene wreck."

"When I find the time out of my busy schedule, I shall post here again."

"Until then, I must insist that you GROW UP."

"So GROW UP."

"And if you don't like that, you can just gobble my ass cheeks."

"Thank you."

GWiMMRN, Man from G.R.O.W.U.P. Edition

2006-07-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of being told to GROW UP. Sick of it.

Just guess what's in my mouth right now and cut it the fuck out with the life lessons:

A) The Man from G.R.O.W.U.P.
B) The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
C) The Woman from S.U.C.K.M.Y.D.I.N.G.D.O.N.G.
D) The Gormless-Looking Asian Broad from S.H.A.R.K.S.H.A.R.K.
E) The Man from T.H.E.H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.I.N.N., which I will be soon and really don't fucking want to
F) The Sick Fuck from M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C., which is that pussy-flavored drink that you add milk to like Ovaltine
G) The Man's Man from B.I.G.F.A.T.C.O.C.K.

Happy 4th O' July You Miserable Bee Slappers!

2006-07-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

For my 450th post, which I timed perfectly to coincide with the 2006 July 4th celebrations, I have, in my wonderful wisdom, decided to give you yet another opportunity to guess what's in my mouth right now. Celebrate the Founding FATHERS and GWiMMRN, 1776 style:

A) David McCullough's lies and slander against our clean, reputable, and toothsome fighting patriots of 1776.
B) Melancholy.
C) Several anatomical wax models with holes in all the right places, if you follow my drift.
D) A big ol' jet airliner.
E) The Man from B.A.R.F.B.A.G.
F) A musket. Yeah, a fucking MUSKET. You got a problem with muskets?
G) A star-spangled, hot dog and hamburger wearing, saluting and jizzing big, fat American cock.

GWiMMRN, Stupefying Patriotism Pre-July 4 Edition

2006-07-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Sis-boom-bah. Rah. Rah. Rah. I'm the most patriotic sonofabitch you'll ever meet. Grab your red, white and blue pinwheels, hold on to your jimmy-hat and GWiMMRN:

A) Superman, AKA the Anal Bead Master of the Homoverse.
B) Neither corn nor Superman, as it turned out.
C) Illegal fireworks.
D) The eagle, which has landed.
E) Patriotic swim-wear.
F) Hot dogs.
G) A weird, untraceable smell.
H) A patriotic, pre-Fourth-of-July cock with sprinklers and red, white and blue pinwheels and frosting with ants all over it.

UPDATE: The answer may now be I) A special 4th O' July message from Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN:

GWiMMRN, Corn or Superman Edition

2006-07-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

What'll it be? Corn... or Superman?

A) Corn.
B) Superman.
C) Corn.
D) Superman.
E) Corn.
F) Superman.
G) A big, corn-fed Supercock.

UPDATE: The answer could also be H) Harpers's pregger porn starring Britney Spears.

UPDATE UPDATE:

GWiMMRN, King Tut Edition

2006-06-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Let my Mouth go!

GWiMMRN:

A) King Tut's shriveled, mummified testicles.
B) AMIGA.
C) Commodore 64's Rollerball game, which my brother callously threw away like the shriveled horse testicle that he is.
D) The Holiest Shrine in Star Jones Reynold's Super-Flappy Vagina.
E) The Pyramids at Giza. Yes, all them mutherfuckers.
F) A big, fat mummified cock.

GWiMMRN, Shriveled Horse Testicle Edition

2006-06-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

As you most likely have guessed, the previous post was actually the world's longest anagram. If you're properly FOCUSED, you've already puzzled it out and know all sorts of things. At any rate, the point isn't to talk about what happened yesterday; this website is not called GWWiMMY for a REASON. It's about what's in there right now:

A) A great sense of relief upon opening the upstairs toilet lid to find merely a stained bowl and rim instead of an unholy desecration
B) A new type of food based on the low calorie ("low-cal") concept that I call fee calorie ("fe-cal") where you pay more for higher calorie meals
C) What Star Jones looks like
D) Nasturtiums
E) Garlic curlies
F) Short 'n' curlies
G) Curly
H) Curling
I) The overweening self-importance of the average Berkeley resident
J) A big, fat curlescent cock

OPEN LETTER TO ALL USERS OF THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM Edition of GWiMMRN

2006-06-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern:

For two days in a row now, I have entered the upstairs lavatory to find that the commode has been unspeakably befouled. As I am the first to arrive in the morning, it's my understanding that the abomination perpetrated in and on the toilet has taken place the day before.

Both Tuesday and this morning, I have been kind enough to give the commode several flushes so that no other human being has to experience such an unholy horror. This is a courtesy that the perpetrator of this befoulment has yet to bestow upon us. I will not attempt to describe either the sight or smell of it, but you may rest assured that no human language can encompass the feeling of utter loathing such an experience engenders.

There are three possible conclusions one can come to, when faced with such appalling behavior:

1) A homeless man has somehow snuck into the building and made it his home.
2) The toilet backs up only at night.
3) Someone employed here is suffering significant abdominal trouble, combined with an utter and total lack of regard for any other human being in the universe.

I find 1) to be highly unlikely. 2) is less likely, but not impossible. I shall assume that 3) is the proper answer until evidence is presented that either 1) or 2) is actually correct.

To paraphrase a popular cliche, "Defecate on me once, shame on you. Defecate on me twice, shame on me." I have shunned the upstairs lavatory, and will not use it again until it has been thoroughly sanitized by our cleaning staff. I find it personally very upsetting to be subjected to the end products of another person's digestion in this way, and if I had any sort of legal recourse, you can be sure that I would right now be discussing the matter with an attorney.

I am now speaking to the individual responsible for this fecal fiasco: if you possess the least iota of humanity at all, you will make sure that your #2's are completely disposed of before leaving the upstairs bathroom.

Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

GWiMMRN, Optometry Edition

2006-06-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Right now, my eyes are dilated. I look like Mickey Mouse, strung out on coke.

Right now, I have something WONDERFUL in my mouth. Guess what it is:

A) Sunglasses.
B) Yellow dye.
C) Meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat.
D) Floodpants.
E) That Star Jones Reynolds is leaving The View, and how much I don't give a fuck about that.
F) My phone sex stage name, "Hot Carl." Hello, this is Hot Carl... to whom am I speaking?
G) Nancy Drew, in all her glory.
H) Big, big, big, fat, and cock.

GWiMMRN, Toilet-Ruining BASTARD Edition

2006-06-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've got a pretty good idea of who it was. You know who you are, you bastard. Next time, do a courtesy flush so that your gluey, evil-smelling stool doesn't stay in the bowl all fucking night and stain the porcelain for the rest of the week. I can't use that bathroom now. CAN'T. And it's your fault. We're living in a society here, you know? This edition of GWiMMRN goes out to you, my dear colleague:

A) Whatever it was you must've eaten the day before
B) Your steady diet of meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat
C) A colon that would wear out seventeen test-tube scrubbers and 53,982 servings of oatmeal to clean
D) A supreme sense of obliviousness, combined with a lack of consideration for other human beings a sociopath would envy
E) A shocked cry of "Oh, my GOD," followed by a held nose, a quick flush, and a hasty retreat to the downstairs bathroom
F) The trade magazine I left in there and don't plan to retrieve any time soon
G) A big, fat cock that must've occupied your diseased, shit-smeared anus before you let fly into the bowl, you dirty, dirty shitter, you

I Am Woman! Hear Me Roar, Bitch!

2006-06-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

Moving? Got a box to stuff stuff in? No? Well, you can GWiMMRN, anyhoo:

A) Testicles.
B) Dasani purified water, which is actually tap water from Schenectady, New York.
C) The reverse osmosis I used to talk my way out of a speeding ticket.
D) The Rebel Alliance, which is not the same as the Separatist Movement that started the Clone Wars. In fact, the Rebel Alliance began as a secret committee within the Galactic Senate that attempted to pursuade key votes in the Republic to vote against extending or providing new powers to Chancellor Palpatine of the Executive branch. The Rebel Alliance only began their terrorist activities after the Republic was renamed as The First Galactic Empire and after the official denunciation of the Jedi Order by Palpatine.
E) Executive Order 66, which orders all the ho's to treat my testicles as they would a Creamsicle.
F) Twinkie the Kid and his creamy insides.
G) Nothing to see here. Move along.
H) A big, fat cooooooooooock.

GWiMMRN, Jism Quiche Edition

2006-06-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you just have to take those droplets of sperm in an empty pie tin and make quiche, you know? So, I'm going to take mercy on you, and present a general amnesty for every one of you non-FOCUSING, non-GUESSINGWHAT'SINMYMOUTHRIGHTNOW motherfuckers. Redemption is just one guess away:

A) A collection of sweaty, dirty "footies" used to keep bare feet from touching the merchandise at DSW
B) The high-pitched titter that girl at the bar uttered when telling me in her naughtiest tone of voice that she had a tattoo in a "private place"
C) The grease-spot her face left on the side of the dumpster after I fucked her against it behind the bar, all the while staring at the stupid Chinese ideogram tattooed on the base of her spine
D) A Chinese ideogram that means, "AIM HERE"
E) Lay's fat-free potato chips, which are actually pretty damn tasty
F) Jelly doughnut and french fry cravings
G) A diet of mostly bread and cheese that apparently won't nourish a baby bird
H) A big, fat tattooed cock

GWiMMRN, God HIMSELF Canceled the Little Birdy's Account Edition

2006-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

The little birdy died for your sins. However, it has been resurrected in a glorious new form, so you may now rejoice joyfully. While you oblige the little birdy, see if you can guess what's im mouth r now:

A) Deroy Murdock, "Patron Saint" of GWiMMRN's endless faux-outrage
B) A happy impala with a freshly-wibbled knob
C) The French expression "tant pis," which means, "Can't be helped."
D) Edvard Munch's The Scream, as performed by a French breakfast radish:

E) A big, fat munchy cock

GWiMMRN, Droplet of Sperm in an Empty Pie Tin Edition

2006-06-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

I spend all day putting things in my mouth. You know this. You also know that in order to be Saved, you have to guess what's in my mouth right now. You also know that the End of the World is upon us because of your incessant lack of focusing.

And yet, there you sit, insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, doing something you know you shouldn't do. And who are the ones who comment on this site? A host of ridiculous characters, all whining about something I said, or clarifying their ridiculous positions on matters that are as insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, that's who. A dog that had to be trained how to take a shit? Deroy Murdock, who claims to be the "Patron Saint of GWiMMRN" and demands that we grow up? A talking Mexican version of an English french fry sandwich? Are you kidding me? Not one of these characters bother to GWiMMRN. NOT ONE. And here they are, wasting my time.

Well, world, here's another chance for you. DON'T BLOW IT.

GWiMMRN:

A) A frilly frock.
B) The Fraggle Rock theme song.
C) Fluffernutters.
D) Fluffers.
E) The tail-light of a 1972 Mustang convertible.
F) Tara Reid's long, slow slide into irrelevance.
G) Possibly the worst, most unfunny movie of all time, featuring a horribly unfunny actress.
H) The probability of you getting a promotion at work after your employer finds out that you visited this disgusting website.
I) An ostrich's big, fat, mean-spirited cock.

GWiMMRN, Cancel the Account Edition

2006-06-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

Unlike AOL, I won't give in to stupid things like what YOU want. No. My mouth is PARAMOUNT, UNIVERSAL, and FOX-y. Now, GWiMMRN:

A) Cancel the account. Cancel the Account. Cancel. The. Account.
B) Your account.
C) Your supervisor.
D) A moldy head of lettuce with greenish blackish slime all over it.
E) The best Godzilla Fan Fiction Megasite ever.
F) The best big, fat cock ever.

UPDATE: Cancel. The. Account

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer may now be G) Captain Fruit and his Fruity Bike, fruitin' it up down a busy street.

GWiMMRN, Resurrected Little Birdy Edition

2006-06-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

The miracle of Easter comes more than once a year, apparently. To celebrate, GWiMMRN:

A) The dead little birdy's big, fat cock, which has somehow pumped life back into the little birdy, but the thing now looks like a large, feathered penis with a beak
B) The utter horror of finding a large, feathered penis trying to force its way between your lips in your sleep
C) A Rice Bowl: when you find little grains of undigested rice in your stool the morning after a meal of brown rice
D) The two fateful words every little bird learns to say
E) A co-worker who has raised standing around with his thumb up his ass to an art form worthy of performance in the Louvre
F) A great big soul kiss from your mystery date for the evening: this surprised looking turd
G) A small blob of chewed Watermellon Bubblisious (sic) I found under the desk
H) A big, fat cock

GWiMMRN, Dead Little Birdy Edition

2006-06-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

See if you sheep-shearers can guess what's in my mouth right now:

A) A dead little bird.
B) A dead little bird.
C) A dead little bird.
D) The horror of finding the little bird dead in his cage this morning.
E) A dead little bird.
F) A dead little bird.
G) A dead little bird.
H) The DIAGNOSIS: The little bird's big, fat cock was too large. It cut off the circulation to his brain. At least, that's what I comfort myself with.

UPDATE: Dead little birdy.

Guess What's in My Mouth Right Now

New Site

Test

GWiMMRN, Fuck All of You Edition

GWiMMRN, The Living End Edition

Spring Cleaning, Pre-Winter Solstice GWiMMRN Edition Edition Edition

GWiMMRN, Post-Thanksgiving Uncle Ned Edition

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving "I'll See Your Sorry Ass When I Get There" Spectacular Edition

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Blasphemy Sunday Extra-Vaganza!

GWiMMRN, Pre-Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 Edition

*burp* I'M WATCHING YOU

The 525th "I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up" Edition of GWiMMRN

GWiMMRN, Red Meat, Cigarettes, and Chlamydia Edition

GWiMMRN, Vitamins Day Edition

GWiMMRN, Artemis Bunghole Edition

GWiMMRN, Post-Apocalypto VoteDay Ender Edition

Vote for My Mouth

GWiMMRN, Post-Halloween Discount Blood Bath Edition

The Current Culture of Curruption

GWiMMRN, Soapy Banana Edition

GWiMMRN, Daylight Savings Time Edition

GWiMMRN, GROW THE FUCK UP Edition

GWiMMRN: We're Back to the Fucking Basics

A Big Creamy Ending

GWiMMRN, Ode to Autumn Edition

Fill Your Void with My Love

GWiMMRN, Gap Toothed M*thrF*ckr Edition

GWiMMRN, Lentil Soup with Crushed Fucknuts Edition

GREAT BIG FAT FUCKING OMNIBUS EDITION OF GWIMMRN!

GWiMMRN

GWiMMRN, Issues Edition

GWiMMRN, Columbus Day Rocks My Ball Sac Edition

GWiMMRN, Sunday Steamed Burger Edition

GWiMMRN, I'M GONNA SHOOT MY GOO! Edition

GWiMMRN, Half Way House Edition

GWiMMRN, Guest Poster Edition on the 501

Holy Jesus Q. Fucknuts! It's the *sppppuuurrrtttt!!* 500th GWiMMRN Post!!

GWiMMRN, Do Not Go Gently into That Good Night Edition

GWiMMRN, John Has a Long Mustache Edition

GWiMMRN, Shit for the Shit-Asses Edition

GWiMMRN, Closing in on the 500th Post Edition

GWiMMRN, Leave It to Beaver Edition

Sweets for the Sweet

GWiMMRN, I'm So Fucking Tired Today Edition

GWiMMRN, Unwarranted Comments at the Bus-Stop Edition

GWiMMRN, Asterisks in Place of Profanity Edition

GWiMMRN, I'm Too F*ing Busy to Deal with You Non-Focusing A*holes Edition

GWiMMRN, Sunday Afternoon Blues Edition

Return to Raggin' Fridays!

Oh YES.

Oh no!

GWiMMRN, Just How Fucking HARD Is It for You Retards to Focus Edition Edition Fucking Edition

GWiMMRN, I Went to the Zoo Edition

Choo choo! The Mouth Express Is Coming Through! Choo choo!

TGIF! Lick My Nuts!

GWiMMRN, Health Club Edition

Axis of...

Labor on My Ding-Dong

GWiMMRN on This Very Sunday, You Fuckchops Edition

Raggin' Fridays

GWiMMRN, FOCUS Aid Edition

GWiMMRN, PIRPEL TIRTEL PENIS Edition

Conspiracy Theory Bump Day Edition of GWiMMRN

GWiMMRN, *brrrrrrrrrrp* Edition

Don't Stop Thinking about My Mouth

Surf My Mouth

Self Defense is for Losers -- "Flapflapflapflapflap"

GWiMMRN, Edition Edition

GWiMMRN, Jam Out with Your Ham Out Edition

GWiMMRN, New Hire Paperwork Edition

GWiMMRN, The 466th Post

GWiMMRN, Slack, Droopy ASSHOLE Edition

GWiMMRN, The Movie

Oh! Canada! GWiMMRN, Edition

"Take This Cock and Shove It"

Dr. Mouth, I Presume

GWiMMRN, The Furry Catballs Give More Advice Edition

GWiMMRN, More Advice from the Furry Catballs Edition

GWiMMRN, Ask the Furry Catballs for Advice Edition

GWiMMRN, I Know Who You Are Edition

burp I'M WATCHING YOU

GWiMMRN, Gap Toothed MthrFckr Edition

Holy Jesus Q. Fucknuts! It's the sppppuuurrrtttt!! 500th GWiMMRN Post!!

GWiMMRN, I'm Too Fing Busy to Deal with You Non-Focusing Aholes Edition

GWiMMRN, brrrrrrrrrrp Edition